That’s how I feel. Horrible.
Ex and I are almost at the end of a difficult and traumatic divorce. We had been together for 21 years - 22 if you count the year the divorce has taken. Married for 16 of those.
I was a very late starter and he was my first boyfriend. Now it is difficult to remember how “pure” it all was because it has become tainted by the divorce, but for many years I loved him absolutely.
Things were sometimes up and down between us, but generally we were friends, and physically close.
Things started to go downhill I suppose about 13 years ago - my now 16 year old son many years ago told me that when he was 3, H wasn’t very nice to me. When my last dd was born 12 years ago, I remember telling a yoga teacher how H was not nice enough to me.
I was not perfect in the relationship, but H was the one with difficult, unreasonable behaviour.
Generally the problems morphed into the three things that I put on the divorce petition
- complete lack of affection and interest
- short temper and used to stonewall me for weeks after an argument - I would be going round with a knot in my stomach
- made massive financial decisions all by himself, bought a property without telling me and hid it for almost a year until I found out, refused to put my name on any family asset, making me feel like an after thought in what was all “his” apparently.
The way the divorce happened was awful - it followed 8 months of being estranged but in the same house after he had yelled ARE YOU STUPID in such a horrible way across the room at me, and in front of my two dds who were frozen to the sofa. The look on his face was awful. Over nothing.
It took me months to get my courage together, but I eventually started divorce proceedings - and it then took another 10 months for ex to move out.
At first he was scornful, rude and dismissive about my letters from the solicitor asking him to go to mediation - I could “carry on playing my stupid games” he said. That summer he sold a property however, and not having answered numerous questions from the solicitor about it, or having vouched that he would keep that money aside until the divorce finances were sorted (as if he would ever have done that), she advised me to start financial remedy proceedings and take him to court. Which we did.
It is when he received the divorce petition (it is still very painful to remember the look on his face 
), and then the court summons over finances, that he finally started to take things seriously. He then tried to manipulate me into stopping the whole thing and was nice for a bit - this was roughly in September of last year. I didn’t trust his attempts however, and some of the things he said (he would be dead soon and then everything would be mine was one of them) were weird. I had to fight against myself however, as I had been starved of affection for so long that I would have climbed back into bed with him.
When he realised I was sticking to my guns, he became very unpleasant and difficult and during the divorce said awful things to and about me. There were also several occasions where he was very verbally aggressive in front of one of the dds - which he stopped after my solicitor wrote to him about it, but I never knew if he was going to kick off or not.
The other thing that happened was that within two seconds of his realising that the divorce was going to go ahead, he was with someone else, and I had to endure weeks and weeks of hearing him on the phone very late at night for ages and ages. Also having showers getting ready to go out. He didn’t move out until April of this year but used to spend some nights a week elsewhere.
The upshot of the divorce is that the marital assets (though he didn’t disclose everything so who knows - and told the court lies about me) have been equally split. I am in the family home with the 3 dc and have very little money, he has different assets and more money which he has to amalgamate. He loved the family home and garden and must be bitter about this. It feels awkward to me too, that I am here.
Nothing is properly set up - he is still coming here a lot to see the dc as they don’t want to go where he is living. We don’t speak to each other at all. I am still trying to put the bills in my name and he did not agree to pay CM in court. When the bills are sorted the solicitor will again ask him - he will probably ignore it - and then I will apply to the CMS.
However I feel terrible. Like a pariah that he hates. I went out for about 4 to 5 hours yesterday to accommodate his being here with the dc. When I got back he was still here. When I sat down on the sofa, he got off the sofa that he was sitting on, said goodbye to the kids and left.
It feels really horrible to be hated this way. I think he now thinks of me as someone who only ever wanted “his” house, but that is not the case.
I had some very old photos developed yesterday - and there we were, ex and I, looking happy.
I just don’t think I am going to recover from all of this. I am trying to deal with the fallout with my kids too as they try to adapt. It feels shameful.
I have lots of things to sort, including getting a new job.
I can’t imagine meeting someone else, and anyway what I wanted was to get on better with my ex. I was in a changing room yesterday and I have some weight and cellulite to lose - it didn’t look good - why would anyone want me I was thinking. I am late 40s.
I feel sorry for the dc as they go through all of this. I didn’t want them to grow up thinking that our model of a marriage was a good one, but this feels shit too at the moment.
I don’t want anyone else in my kids’ lives, but I miss physical affection and was starved of it during the latter years of my marriage. Do I accept that it’s over? I have no real concept of how I look.
And still I feel that my ex and I should be together and this is all a massive aberration.