Well I am not really sure how to begin with this but there is so much left unsaid I think this letter is needed as a last communication.
Your actions continually push new boundaries and it scares me where they will end, that is why I haven’t always been open and honest with you but feel this may help you with the future. Nothing in this letter is to gain any response of any kind from you and is simply my feelings.
When I first met you I didn’t fall in Love (love in my opinion is a product of time and selfless actions) but enjoyed your company and based on the stories you told felt a desire to help (this is my nature). I went out of my way simply as a friend to help improve yours and the children’s lives for the better.
I spent a lot of time helping simply as a friend and it was only after 2 months did the relationship begin to develop and from there the love grew both for you and Your 3 children.
You told me so many things of how hard your life had been and how badly you were treated by your family that a natural divide was developed between us (I later discovered you told them things about me that caused similar feelings of animosity). You had become my princess and all I wanted to do was protect you and allow you to grow and flourish.
We made a decision together that we would ensure we were sure of our relationship before introducing ourselves as a couple to my child and your 3 children – there wellbeing was first and foremost. Your family took it upon themselves to tell the kids before we had (still about 6 months from being a couple) – this I believe was done out of spite.
Every decision and action taken as a family unit was based upon your requests and not what was best for us all. This was my fault because I just wanted you to feel more involved and in charge of our future than you told me you had before.
Upon moving in together things took a turn for the worst as there seemed to be resentment instantly from your family as you had a lovely home – this resentment was channelled directly as insults to me and my family. As a result I did not want them in our home.
When we moved in together you had financial commitments which I cleared to prevent any issues going forward – a clean stable footing as raising 4 children is a huge financial commitment. We had help from my mum who would buy things for my son to reduce the financial commitment to 3 children and also bought things for your three children as there father paid nothing.
We were living to a tight budget and had the money as cash in the house as you said you felt more in control that way. My Mum had bought my son a new coat to which you reacted badly too saying it wasn’t fair as your 3 children needed new coats not my son (we had just spent over £200 on clothes for you from Asda) – as a result you fell out with me. That evening we were meant to be going to my Mum’s for a BBQ, there I was in a position to be asking you to marry me – You decided you wouldn’t be going because of the falling out. When I was there you messaged me and said due to the argument about the coat Your ex wasn’t bringing the kids back, you said he was on his way to speak to you. I told you to wait there I was on my way, my Mum said come Monday we will pay for a solicitor and have the matter resolved instantly.
On getting home with my son you were nowhere to be seen – I then drove around for hours looking for you (with my son asleep in the back) – you wouldn’t answer your phone to begin with and then it didn’t even ring it just went straight to answer phone. I tried calling your dad for help and simply got told they had met with your ex and agreed he should have the kids and that you would turn up eventually.
At approx. 1.15am you answered your phone, I asked were you were and I would come and get you and that I loved you.
At approx. 2am you walked in through the door with a big smile on your face and went straight to our bed – I asked were you had been, I had been driving around for hours looking for you and spoke to you almost an hour ago and you said you were on your way home – you got up and pushed me away saying you were going for a walk – I just got the feeling something wasn’t right and said you have been with another bloke, still with a smile you said yes which cut through me - I then said you had sex with him didn’t you – again with that same smile you responded yes and I enjoyed it – words can’t describe how I felt. At the point of me saying how dare you treat me like this, it’s over you claimed rape – I challenged it and you said yes you just remembered being down an alley and you didn’t know how you got there and he had it inside you (I don’t take that experience as being pleasant nor questioning if it is true or not but as the love of my life at that time listening to this was earth shattering) I called the police to which you screamed at me not to – you then ran to the shower to try and wash away any trace whilst I was on the phone and the police told me to prevent this happening – your response was to smash the shower, punch and kick me. You went to the bedroom wearing my dressing gown and said you were tired.
When the police arrived you wouldn’t speak to them so they had to start with information provided by me – trawling through CCTV I got the details from the point you were on the phone to me, fondling and kissing this bloke whilst I was pouring out my heart on the phone – you dragged him around to the bank entrance and began performing sexual acts in full view of the people we live around – You then dragged him down the alley to do whatever – I stood in tears listening to all this, how could you be so nasty to me, what had I done wrong?
Afterwards I discovered all but £40 had gone from all our money – not savings but bills and food money that you spent on a single night out for you. My mum bailed us out!
I was never privy to what really happened that night just that no case was upheld.
I supported and stood by you through the sexual clinics and all the HIV tablets, all the court case with your ex to get custody of your children back, accepting financial responsibility (a total of approx. £11,000).
We spent 8 months with no intimacy due to the tablets and I was still there by your side – all the abuse and slander for no reason from your ex and your family I never faulted. When I discovered you had joined a dating site when we had moved in together and discovered the sexually explicit photos you had from other men that you first advised were for your pleasure then based on my response said you thought you had deleted them and had never requested them.
It took 3 years of hard graft, financial hardship and help from my mum to get us back on our feet – still no contribution from your ex for his three children!
I have had stories told to people in and around the school to undermine my ability to live in the area and all false – I have reached a point of being reclusive as a result of your world and what you have said or allowed to be said.
There have been numerous occasions were you have pushed me away and rejected me. On the rare occasions you would we would stop due to your feelings because of your past with the exception of one occasion when you held on tight and said you wanted to feel me finish inside you – I said no and you begged stating I will get the pill in the morning don’t worry – You didn’t go for the next 3 days and only did on the 4th day when I took you.
You got pregnant – I never wanted to have a Child with you for the simple fact the family divide, we were not in a position financially or emotionally as a family unit to have a child but I had no say in this as you clearly pointed out. Please do not take this as I do not want her just it wasn’t right for us to have her – I love her with all my heart and would never change the fact she is here.
There was mounting pressure on us after the birth - I worked nights, did the school run did the homework and played with the kids (I am not in any way implying you were not pulling your weight) – I averaged 4 hours sleep and sometimes less when on courses as well. You continued to reject me more and more and our relationship failed on two occasions – the first I heard your father say go to the refuge and then he can’t see my daughter, I warned you that if you did that it would be the end of us. You decided you would take that option on the next occasion and created an ocean between us another nail of hurt and a period of my daughter’s life taken from me.
I did push you on 3 occasions (which I am truly ashamed of) during arguments but was driven by pure frustration by your insistence to keep imploding the relationship through irrational thoughts – I was going to the ends of the earth for you and the children and quiet literally killing myself doing so – The reason to make you happy but I couldn’t.
On separating I have remained frustrated, trying what I can to help – buying you appliances, furniture, building & moving things buying food paying bills, running the kids to and from school for an entire year for free, doing their homework with them, listening to your troubles, running you places, taking you all on days out, working out budgets ringing up utilities to reduce prices buying clothes, paying for school trips and club memberships and I even went through the whole process of buying a car with your involvement so you felt a part of things (I purchased a more expensive 7 seater to accommodate all of you). I did all this for no gain, regardless of all the pain and heartache I had been put through and the rejection and insults. All this whilst raising my son on my own and working full time – you talk a tale of never being loved and being used but failed to open your eyes.
During the past two years I have longed for the ability for us to start a fresh – putting the lottery on every week (just a small win to help us on our way) what would life have been like without having to kill ourselves to get by but every so often you do or say things that just put us back like the obscene messaging with a guy locally (no coincidence) – little sly digs that just flow naturally from a person I don’t know.
Just two weeks ago you still said about wishing we could be together, getting in my car and accepting me to pay for things such as your music streaming and party things for the kids (I almost got you an England Top and a new TV – opting instead to try and plan some trips out for us all and maybe a getaway). You had the idea of chasing something new and simply keeping your options open – The lure of a guy who has his own business, a dog a house – I know whole heartedly you are not in love with this guy and that you have jumped into bed for your own gain (I have seen him so I know there is no effort required) or to try and evoke a response from me (you just failed for the entire time we were together I was only ever there for you not me).
I know your vision of playing happy families and where that leads with your boyfriend of two weeks, I am really not happy with our daughter knowing so soon, I am not happy with her witnessing and hearing the acts of affection (as she put it doing their jobs downstairs) and being made to cuddle a strange guy – she does not cuddle my family members who she sees every other Friday so why should you be making or allowing this to happen?
I don’t expect this relationship will last –I know you struggled trusting me who gave you nothing but 100% attention so can’t imagine you will do well with him knowing his past form.
I really can’t sit around and watch you ruin our daughters life for the sake of your 2 week new found love (how silly does that sound when raising a child) but we all know the country favours the female so it would be pointless trying to battle for custody and that is the reason for walking away – I love and care for her more than you can ever imagine and I am not making this decision lightly. I will proceed through the correct channels as I need to be kept updated on her wellbeing and if ever needed she would be returned to my custody. When she is old enough I will explain myself to her or if needed her brother would. She is truly loved and adored from my world and does not deserve what you have chosen to do to her – from taking her from her father who put her to sleep every night and sang to her, helped her with her first crawl and steps – made her first solid food taught her to use the toilet, swim.
I could not believe you contacted the police to come to my home and check shehad not been harmed – that is disgusting based on the fact we were together for over 6 years and never did I demonstrate any behaviour of that nature. That was simply a tactic to points score, disrupt our time together and cause more heartache.
I would make requests with regards her safety but I would be wasting my breath based on the contact you have encouraged at such an early stage – I am just disgusted, saddened and destroyed. It feels like you have set about hurting me at every opportunity and this tops the list using our daughter as a weapon and why I am finished with you. I truly hope you don’t repeat this with your new guy but as I said when you look in his eyes you don’t love him – love is time and selfless to better the other person and I know you never loved me and why I returned those gifts.
As I finish can I point out this is not sent out of hate but emptiness.