not believed

[matilda57]

I have just been talking to my mother. My daughter, over the weekend, assaulted me and I had to call the police and she was arrested. This wasn't easy, as you can imagine.

I have been close to my mum, but I heard that she (mum) spent the w/e with my daughter, who denies she attacked me (though she acknowledged it at the policestation). My daughter it seems is not taking any responsibility for the attack.

My mum was questioning me closely about exactly what happened - how did she hit you? what happened? etc... and it suddenly dawned on me my mother doesn't believe me! I said this to her, and she said she couldn't believe that my daughter would hit me. I said she'd have to believe it, bcs it happened.

My ex-husband (dd's dad) was extremely abusive, though never hit me. When I left him, in an absolute state after years of abuse, he made a beeline for my family... who took him in like a long-lost son/brother, while I was thrown out of the family. Clearly, my family didn't believe me then either. My mum eventually realised that it wasn't right that ex was in the bosom of the family while I was out, and called for it to stop. She (and my dad) have been supportive to me ever since, but I still don't have a relationship with my siblings, and never will (I hope). HOwever, my mum regularly asks 'HOW did he abuse you? What happened? Exactly?'. As I still can't talk about it (after all this years) this has been a sticking point tbh - I just can't talk about it.

I suppose today I've seen it as clear as day - I haven't been believed! Has anyone else experienced this? What on earth do you do? It brings to mind when kids accuse someone of sexual abuse and no-one believes them (though I'm not saying this situation is the same, just that that is the only situation I can think of where people are regularly not believed).

Anybody got any insight??

Sorry - no advice to give, but just wanted to say what a dreadful situation this is for you. Can't believe your own mother doesn't believe you.

Hope you find a way to work through this.

haven't got anything to add but support either, I'm afraid. I remember reading od thread of yours recentls describing in detail the extremely difficult nature of you 'relationship' with your daughter.

If this hasn't improved since then, well, I don't know what I would do in your shoes, but I could not live my life like that.

I alwys say I'd never turn my back on my kids no matter what, but at the same time, in a relationship as abusive as the one you seem to be suffering, I think Iwould have to step out of it somehow. If she is basically continually treating you like shit, refusing to speak civilly to you, not allowing you to express yourself as a person, but still expecting food, shelter, lifts, money, well, something's seriously wrong and like I said, I couldn't live under those circumstances.

Is she going to therapy, I remember you saying she had been, but it had been very poor - has she found a different /better one? COuld she not live with your mother? When is she due to come into this large inheritance?

It must be terrible to not feel believed, supported, loved, and not only did it happen once, with your H, but now a 2nd time.

Maybe someone else will come along, wiser than I, but I just wanted to add support. We are listening, even if we don't know what to say.

xxx

I'm not in quite the same situation, but my dad was extremely violent against both his wife and children. It has only become clear just how hideous it all was, when my brother started behaving in exactly the same way.

I think my parents are in denial,and they've closed ranks against me in order to protect this grim secret.

For now, I no longer want to have anything to do with my stupid mad brother and his idiotic bloody wife. If my parents choose to reject me because of their problems, I can only get on with my own life. I've been having therapy of one sort or another for over 20 years now, and things are hopefully looking up a bit by now. It's horrid. A big cyber-hug to you. Please don't take it personally (hard, I know), and try to do something good to yourself until you start feeling better.

i'm really sorry this has happened. and to not have the support of your family. i know it happens (not being believed) although haven't had experience of it myself.

i think it stems from an unwillingness to accept reality and how it differs from one's illusion of one's 'perfect life'. believing someone also means taking responsibility for your part in it, and taking the sometimes very hard steps to make good.

thank you very much for your posts and support X. I absolutely can't believe any of this is happening - it is like a nightmare on stilts. You couldn't make it up..

thank you for your post hellobello. I'm sorry to be thick, but I can't quite follow what you said. Do you mean your dad was abusive to your mum and you kids? And now your brother is behaving in exactly the same way... but no-one is acknowleding it bcs it's the family secret (DENIAL) and you're the one who is getting it in the neck bcs you're not - refuse to - deny it?

It was you saying 'his wife and kids' that threw me tbh. NOt sure I'm reading it right even now - I'm a bit out of it as you can imagine

Is it really as bad as you think ernest? Perhaps I am in denial, can't (won't) face the reality. I know that I feel absolutely desolate, like I did when I was with their dad. I suppose it's the feeling you get when you're being abused, when your life is being crushed out of you. In a way you work backwords = if feel like that, you're being abused.

What can I do though? I feel caught in the headlights. I am in so much shock. I don't think she's on drugs (which may account for the drastic change in character). She is not herself.

I feel upset to the point of frantic that my mum doesn't believe me. What on earth can she be thinking - that I got my daughter arrested out of some kind of .... what??? It doesn't even make any sense.

Yes, you're absolutely right, Matilda57, my dad was very violent towards my mum and me and my younger brother. My youngest brother didn't get beaten, but has problems of his own. It IS shattering. When my younger brother started throwing stuff around and smashing things at my parents' house, I felt as thought the whole thing had started again and as though I had been left as a shell. Today I was speaking to my therapist about it (again!), and we were talking about the shock and the loss.

I do understand what you mean about having the life crushed out of you. I don't have any easy answers. You are not alone!

Would be an idea to suggest to your son and daughter that you went to joint counselling. I know you said in a previous thread that you have not had good experience with counselling.

It might be a good idea though for all of you to get a chance to talk it all out, and for the children to realise that what their father did was just not right, and what they are doing is the same (whether it being mental or physical). It might also be good to have a mediator and be somewhere neutral.

Yes I think that might be an idea maisemor - but it's finding the right one! Also, their father has been practically deified since he died - tbh I can't see them accepting he had his 'faults'. Particularly as they don't know the half of it (or an eighth... sixteenth?). They are still grieving - maybe 'the truth' will come out later? I mean years later . At the moment I feel that everything has gone into the mix and moved on iyswim - it's too late to catch it now: have to wait till it comes round again I guess. For now I can't see that anything will budge - I think we have to go our separate ways. In many ways we have been couped up all these years (crushed under the abuse..) and it's no wonder all hell is breaking out. Dd has said all she needs to say - at the moment she seems to want to keep me hanging on a cross so she can get on with her life with me hanging there. If I try to climb off she is incandescent. 'No no mother, it's ALL YOUR FAULT'. Well my dear, it isn't.

Matilda,read your previous thread the other night .Honestly do not know what to say as the situation sounds horrific.It sounds as if she is blaming you for her fathers death.I think you need to stick to your guns and keep being strong about not letting your dcs rule you.

It is sad your mum does not believe you but please try to keep the dialogue open with her.I know you stated that you do not believe in counselling but would some kind of family therapy be at all possible?

Please contniue to post on here,even if just as an outlet to vent your anger.There is always someone around even if we cannot always be helpful in a practical sense we are here for moral support.

Thank you for your lovely post WT.

I've woken up early again with worry. I worry she's going to kill herself. She is staying in her dad's house here, and ds went out last night and stayed at mine - she's on her own. I texted ds to say he ought to stay with her but he arrived here last night. I was awake when he got back - now I worry that if something happened, I could've taken him back there in the car. I worry so much my guts actually hurt. This kind of worry grips you

Is your daughter the one set to inherit a lot of money?? If so I remember that thread.

Why is it that you can't talk about what he did?? I know that may sound stupid, but perhaps if you told your mum exactly what he did, tho it would be awful, she would then believe you.
If after that she didn't, I would leave her to it and cut contact

Also, try councilling again. What have you got to lose?? You might find this time you strike lucky. Also if you take your daughter she might believe a professional when they point out to her, as they must, that none of this is your fault.

I so wish BoM! I got a referral to child psychiatry... and the psychologists blamed me for all the difficulties with the kids!! I am not exactly enamoured with the profession tbh, after endless fuck ups like this. I am at the moment seeing a MIND advocat to write down my 'concerns' in a letter; plus I have seen the psychologists and made absolutely clear that their service stinks.

It is ironic that I have endlessly suggested counselling to people who are struggling eg bad knee? go to a knee doctor. bad relationship? go to a relationship doctor. At the moment I am feeling seriously conned about the profession tbh, as well as seriously doubting its efficacy. I have to wryly conclude, after years of therapy of one kind or another, that the holy grail simply hasn't materialised - not even faintly. Though I have learnt a GREAT DEAL about bad therapy.

Yes she is the one who is due to inherit a lot of money. No I wouldn't be able to 'get her along' to a counsellor/whatever. She withdraws contact (as a punishment?). The last time she withdrew she kept it up for months - no contact AT ALL. I was beside myself, as she had regularly gone into detail with me about killing herself, how she was going to do it. And last September a good friend of mine carried out the very same 'threats' by jumping off a local landmark, so its a sore point with me.

The psychologists, incidentally, told me I was not to ask ds about dd. So I had to sit there, not knowing if dd was alive or dead, not able to ask ds, however casually, if he had heard from his sister.