3 years ago I was put on SSRI's for depression. The meds made me 100% psychotic and I ended up progressively doing more and more stupid stuff by the minute, I ended up in a drunken haze for two weeks and had an affair. Soon after I came off the meds. However, I was devastated by my behaviour and have tried to do everything in my power to make it up to my other half since. At the time we had been together 10 years. I am genuinely sorry I hurt her. I know the general consensus is that a cheater is always cheater but I never came remotely close off the meds and never behaved in that way. Off the meds she has always been the centre of my universe. On the meds for example - I got up one night while away from home - walked off somewhere and pissed on someone sleeping (I don't normally sleepwalk), also screaming in my sleep waking everyone up. Then Id start to randomly go and buy expensive things that I would never have done normally, developed different tastes in interests, music and started making friends with people I would never associate myself with otherwise - I think you get the picture. Then add alcohol to the mix and I was not in control of anything behaviourally full stop. I became interested in skydiving and buying clothes. For anyone that knows me I am pretty old fashioned, cautious with money, unimpressed by glam etc. Im sure SSRIS work for most people very well but for a small percentage of people like me they didn't - I am guessing it may have to do with mental health problems in my family and the possibility of SSRI induced bipolar in some cases from my infinite amount of reading around the subject. But most people would say you're simply a cheater - don't be making excuses for your bad behaviour - id agree with them only I am not making excuses for my behaviour. If I remained on SSRI's I have no doubt I would have done something else just as stupid in time.
Anyway the story - I have a very messed up family of manipulators and addicts. 3 months ago one of them accused my father in law of touching her bottom in a photograph - At the time my missus stayed up all night screaming at me and crying. I thought the reaction was overboard seen as though it could have easily been a mistake. Since then something has completely changed in her. She has been systematically concocting a story that I am controlling, abusive, dangerous, aggressive, manipulitive and she has sent me emails, texts accusing me of such, she has also started telling our teenager same. The truth is that I am neither of those things. I am a complete asshole/idiot for cheating on her but I am in no way a controlling person or anything that she had been describing me as of late. Recently she organises big drinking sessions where we go out and she wants us to get really drunk, then at the end of the night she starts a huge argument and does stuff like smashing my £600 phone, coming up in my face and staying that she fucked someone behind my back and then asking me to hit her saying - go on I fucking dare you!. She has also recently phoned the police and told them that I am controlling her. Im doing everything in my power to remain calm but I can see a disturbing pattern and it scares the hell out of me.
So I've had a chance to step back and write whats going on down on paper. I feel like she has been on a mission the last 3 months to get me arrested or charged with a domestic by trying to provoke me as much as possible. Im wondering how we came to this? It does not make any sense - 3 months ago we were getting on amazingly well, extremely emotionally close - talking about spending the rest of our lives together and spending loads of time talking through her work problems, making arrangements to go on holidays etc etc and even the small things like buying her flowers and going out to eat. Its as if things cant be any more calm and progressive 3 months ago.
The only things I can think of is that she is so afraid that the next accusation my crazy family make could be directed at her and jeperdise our relationship, resulting in a envisioned custody battle. But if so why would she want to nail me to the proverbial cross to pre-plan for something that likely would never happen? (Another totally out of character thing for her: She has told people that she thinks me and my family are plotting against her father. Which is impossible because I dont even talk to my family regularly its so messed up its not even funny).
The only other thing I can think of is - And not because I am the original cheater here so please hold judgememnt. Could she be possibly having an affair and want me gone?
Please give me some advice here people. Im not playing the sympathy card and know well what I did 3 years ago was wrong and unacceptable in all circumstances 100%. Im under no illusions that my actions would not still effect her to a great degree today but people cant just change so suddenly like that can they? It feels really shit probably like she felt when I treated her terribly - and as I already mentioned this woman means more to me than anything. Id like to try and fix things if at all possible.