WTF do I do now? Decided to divorce

[Loungingbutnotforlong]

This has been years coming- husbands emotional abuse is ramping up- every weekend is a huge row, name calling, told I am a crappy parent as i don’t believe in smacking children (8 and 6). Told I am fucking pathetic or lazy because I have a different opinion than him on something. He is so angry and rude (almost all) the time.
But- I am about to be made redundant. Husband earns way more money than me, the house is in his name (don’t ask, I am a ducking idiot) and he will fight so dirty!!! Even in arguments now he will literally tell the kids- your mum is the most degenerate Mum, she is rubbish, you’ll at least have one parent. But actually I am a nice person, I work on a professional job, I don’t drink or smoke, I try to be nice. I am sometimes bad tempered or impatient with the kids, and I do swear(v bad I know), but I always try to beat the best parent I can be, - constantly reading parenting manuals etc. My son is now getting aggressuve with his sister and my daughter is increasingly hard work- I think because of the household situation.

WTF- I feel so bloody sick at how bloody awful this is going to be.
It’s not always crap- it can be amazing. On paper we should have the most amazing, happiest life.
I don’t know what to do.

Go to Citizens Advice on Monday (or look at their website before then) for general advice and a list of local solicitors. You already realise that as a non owner of the house you are not in a great position financially. However the CAB will give you details of what benefits you might be entitled to and put you in touch with local authority housing dept if you need to consider alternative accommodation. If you have a joint bank account it might be worth you setting up your own account for future use. You could also make a list of any savings, investments or pensions you know about for future reference

Good luck

Thank you!
He says I am a coward- and it’s true- if I wasn’t such a coward I would never have put up with this for so long. I am exhausted with the merry go round (within each day almost) of fighting, then it’s fine and the superficial apology to keep the peace. I keep thinking maybe Relate is the way forward, but I don’t think he would be interested.
How do you know when it’s really done- even when it’s not all rubbish.
I think I know- I don’t want my kids seeing this anymore. I feel totally overwhelmed at how much there is to work through and what an idiot I have been leaving all the ‘grown up’ admin stuff to him- while I’ve become chief cook and bottle washer.

Hey! I dont know about not being the home owner. But you do need legal advise and asap!! Are you documenting his behaviour? I am at the end of a nasty divorce with my emotionally and financially abusive husband and keeping a diary of his behaviour has really really helped esp if you have to go to court! Also keep all emails and texts that he sends, you need to become a detective and build up a case against him regarding his discussing behaviour. Of course you may not need it but if you do you will wish you had a copy of it.
Be careful as he sounds very controlling, this is the time that the other person will start hiding money! You can go into the bank and put a block on any joint accounts. You may be in titled to legal aid due to his behaviour and lack of funds.
Not sure which area your from but if you think your going to need universal credit set it up now as it takes 6 weeks to get your first payment.
I had pretty much no money of my own so payed for my first solicitors app from money from the joint account, he was fuming!! This is when i found out that i was entitled to legal aid.
Block him on social media as this can get really nasty.
YOu will be ok i promise xxxx please feel free to pm me is you wish.

If you are married then it's joint assets, register your interest at Land Registry.

Redundancy might be ok, will you get a pay out?
Firstly as he seems vicious I would plan leaving rather than be open.Get legal advice but first locate all the finances.

You can't go to Relate with a bully, it is never recommended as they will use the session to manipulate you.
He seems to have contempt for you but that is HIS issue and no reflection on you.
No decent, mentally healthy person talks to their spouse and co parent like that.

Read "the verbally abusive relationship" and "why does he do that".

Once you know this is toxic and not fixable it will make it easier to leave.
I left, same situation but less openly verbally abusive, out homelife could have been perfect but Ex has issues due to his emotionally abusive childhood and nothing could be done...he even did counselling but he lacks insight so became more of a victim so the abusive actually increased.

Tell your family and get support, go to freedom meetings as it will reinforce your knowledge.

lifebegins i’m So sad with it all and what th what could be, and what it is, when it is good. But the unpleasantness and feeling crappy is almost daily now. I am not perfect- when he starts I react badly- I am so desperate not to be a victim that I start shouting too. Flip- my kids! How the heck has it come to this- they deserve so much better.
Planning is definitely the way forward, and I need to build my independence and self esteem. I ‘defer’ to him on everything- i’m Not sure he even wants me to, it’s just a stupid habit. Infantilising!

Definitely register an official interest in the house - you are married and so you have rights. It isn't difficult to do.
Start recording instances of abusive behaviour and do this religiously for about 3 months. You will then have enough substance for a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
Get your financial ducks in a row - evidence of his earnings and pension, ditto yours. Make sure CB is being paid into your account. Redundancy sucks, but start looking for a new job straight away to put you in a financially strong position.

And then just do it. You and your children deserve better.

Thank you

Look on youtube for info on abusive relationships.
The key is to not react, observe not absorb.

Read the books and you will understand the tactics at play and it makes it easier to not react.
Start a journal and you will gain such insight as you see patterns of his behaviour.

He sounds a bully. I can understand why you want to get out.

If you do divorce - all assets are considered and the start point is 50:50. Doesn’t matter if the house is in his name, all martial assets (unless you signed a pre nup) are viewed as joint. Do you have children? I’d so, it’s likely you may get more if the split.

This is a really good place to start and there’s loads of useful information

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Advice/

northernspirit I’m afraid you are wrong on marital assets. The non owning spouse can register an interest but the divorce judge will have to assess whether in fact they have created any beneficial interest in the property by taking into account actions of the parties through the marriage. It’s very rare for a non owning spouse to be granted a financial interest in the home especially in a shortish marriage (which I am assuming given ages of OP children). It may be easier to argue there should be continuing residence. This is why specialist legal advice is crucial. If there is evidenced abuse then legal aid may be available

Children are 8 and 6 so unless they had children before marriage, it's hardly a shortish marriage - could be as much as 10 years...

Ok see a solicitor about where you stand. You will be entitled to a share of the house proceeds or to even stay. He'll also pay maintenance so don't worry and there is also state help.

I'd look for another job asap though too.

Get some proper legal advice, you'll have a claim on the marital assets.

Assuming this is an English/Welsh divorce, MrsSnitch is talking absolute nonsense.

And a marriage with an 8 year old isn't "short". Length of marriage arguments are far less important anyway when there are children, since need becomes the magnetic factor.

OP needs to see a solicitor. No one can advise on what she may get on this information.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate/

You might still be able to prove your right to the home if you can show that you have ‘beneficial interest’. This usually means you’ve contributed to the home in ways other than directly paying the mortgage - for example by paying bills or council tax.

In court, you’ll need to show a judge how you’ve contributed towards paying for the home - this can be difficult, so contact your nearest Citizens Advice before you start. An adviser can help you through the process.

england.shelter.org.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0019/23473/Relationship20breakdown20EW3202D20Cohabiting20couples202D20sole20legal20owner.pdf

It is extremely difficult to prove a beneficial interest for a non owning cohabitant unless the situation is quite clear cut concerning intention of the parties at the time the property was purchased or in relation to financial contributions made by the non owner during the marriage with an expectation this would create a beneficial interest. . It is much easier to claim rights of occupation as per Shelter guide linked above

Ms switch they are married so it doesn’t matter if her name is on or not

Bert is a lawyer and knows her stuff

I am almost at the end of my divorce, and my name was also not on the deeds of the family home - ex always having refused to put it on there.

I did not have to prove anything other than the fact we were married (and I registered my interest in the property), and in fact that house is now entirely mine - due to the fact that there were enough other marital assets for ex to get an equal (apart from what he didn’t disclose!) proportion.

If there hadn’t been enough for that to happen, the family home would have been sold to allow both of us to be re-housed.

Get to a solicitor, now!

As far as your job, depending on laws where you are, being out of work could actually work in your favour. One of the first things my SAHM cousin was told by her solicitor (she worked one day a week) was to NOT increase her work days after her ex left for the OW. She received a higher amount of child support (US term) as a result. Of course, it may be different if you've customarily worked or the laws are different where you live.

Contrariwise, if your job type is in demand, can you 'stick it out' until you find another job so you'd be in a better place to support yourself & DC?

Above all, do NOT show your hand. As hard as it is, keep your plans to yourself until you either ask him to leave or you are ready move out yourself. Be sure you have gotten advice on the house before you decide to be the one to move. Start to gather needed financial information (yours and his), stash money where he won't find it (a fuck off fund), and move sentimental items and vital records to a secure place if they won't be missed.

Oh, and you're going to want to be very sure that any lump sum redundancy pay is not considered a joint asset.

The Shelter document illustrates it is not a cut and dried issue and very much depends on the facts of each case which we certainly do not have here I agree. That’s why legal advice is key here. I think it’s dangerous to say in the absence of those details that OP will definitely be found to have a beneficial interest in the property

The contribution the “non-owning” spouse makes is not only financial. Things like looking after the children and the home are implicitly part of it.

MrsSnitch I am not sure whether you're a troll, or just spectacularly stupid.

The information you are posting is about unmarried couples.

The OP is married. Her situation is completely different.

I don't know why people pretend to be family lawyers, it's not a very bloody glamorous job, believe me, but it's one I have done for 20+ years, so I would suggest you shut up and go scaremongering somewhere else.