I’ve posted before on Mumsnet about my difficult relationship with my DM (abusive childhood herself, lots of criticism of me, my sibling and Dad, no friends, very much a victim) and received brilliant advice. I’ve set up boundaries, walked away when shes crossed them and generally no longer enable or tolerate unhealthy behaviour from her. After years of this she is now is mostly kind and has a good relationship with her GC. They too have taught her how to behave too I think! They have been the main reason I tackled the dysfunction with my family / mother was that I didn’t want them to go through what I had plus I didn’t want to repeat history.
I still struggle though with female relationships. My default mechanism is not to trust women and when I do I often get it wrong - I seem to be drawn to mother figures or complicated women. I know I’m not an easy friend to have - I back off very quickly if conflict arises. I’ve tried really hard in recent years though to only forge honest, open friendships but it doesn’t come naturally at all.
My oldest friend (who I trusted implicitly) has recently ended our friendship and the fallout from that has triggered all sorts for me. One of the things that is obvious though is that this friendship wasn’t healthy - I didn’t recognise that for years ( or may became unhealthy) but it was based on what she could do for me (she always offered so much help would never let me repay favours), her always being right and her being in control. Years and years of listening to her dissect her failing marriage. Lots of red flags that I now see with hindsight. I didn’t listen to my gut about her - thought I was wrong. On the other hand, I’ve had friends come into my life who are lovely and I don’t make enough effort with them.
I guess I’m asking for advice on how to spot and nurture a real friendship. I’ve obviously been getting it wrong for years and have poor boundaries. I crave close friendships but then tolerate bad behaviour and don’t nurture healthy behaviour.
I guess I’m most scared of turning into my mother!