Hi everyone,
I was wondering if anyone has any advice for me to help me deal with stress better and not let it impact my relationships.
To give the short history:
- I work freelance and have a 2 day a week job that I never really wanted to take but I had helped to win some grant money and they wanted me to run the project - combining both has been horrendous and my boss in my job is very difficult to deal with. I have been trying to leave for a while but have to be careful and manage my way out because I work in a small sector and my boss is quite vindictive and I could absolutely imagine she would harm my freelance career if I upset her
- my mum has recently come out of hospital. She went in 2 days after my 40th, which was a wonderful party which I really enjoyed, but she thought she had a heart attack the night before (she decided not to come to the party as it was a dancing evening thing) and didn't tell anyone and then when she went in for a pre op as she had been diagnosed with unstable angina and they kept her in for 1.5 weeks, telling us she was at very high risk of a heart attack but when they went to operate it turns out there is nothing wrong with her heart and she was probably just having panic attacks. She has been getting more and more difficult to deal with recently, estranging herself from her sisters, not attending a memorial for one sister etc. I feel huge anxiety when I think about her, she is on her own, but when I am around her she very often makes me feel upset and dumps a lot of her stress on me (e.g. about my other siblings and her worries etc.)
- my beloved uncle died in May and I am terribly sad about it. I saw him only 2 days before he died and it was so touching but that's very raw
- a very good friend's partner died 2 years ago and I was at his passing also (untimely) and this friend has been leaning on me emotionally a lot and he doesn't appear to be getting much better which I find pretty tough but then feel guilty about because it's selfish
- another very good friend's husband left her out of the blue and she was more or less suicidal and leant on me a lot. But when he came back she distanced herself, which was really hurtful. It feels like pretty much every June something crazy has happened in my life for the past few years.
- being a working mum to small children, feeling I'm not giving them enough, organising literally everything for them because my husband really isn't good at that kind of thing. I do a lot of the household organising/cleaning etc. He helps a bit but not in a systematic way and he won't be organised by me! I am actually not stressed about that because I have made my peace with it, I love him and not everyone can do everything, but the fact is it does mean that everything falls to me.
- recently injured my shoulder, in quite a lot of pain quite a lot of the time and I can't use exercise as a stress buster which I always do
So last night I got home late from a work day trip to B'ham (up at 6 sorting out work things and with insomnia probably due to stress), got kids dressed, organised parking permits and keys for landscape gardener as we are getting patio done (I organise all household repairs and can feel a bit like my husband is a demanding client on that!), take kids to breakfast club, get on train to B'ham, get call from school that the little one might be sick - he wasn't but I was worried all day as I had no childcare plan b being in B'ham! Do some emotionally taxing interviews with older people who are receiving care - amazing work which I love but still really exhausting, miss train home, had no food all day except a Twix as didn't have time, realised when I got home that I had left my keys at home so couldn't get in which wasn't a huge deal, just an unfortunate turn of events. Got to friend's house where she was looking after the kids as a 'playdate' about 7.45 and promptly got given a glass of wine, and several more and a lovely light dinner of chicken salad but not enough to soak up the alcohol. I ranted a bit about PTAs and Brexit etc and was feeling good, but drunk. My DH turned up at about 9 after work drinks (he's not a big drinker) and I was already well away. Apparently I was talking about inappropriate things like thongs etc. I don't remember any of it! I went straight to bed once we put the kids to bed at about 10 because I was drunk and exhausted. My DH is very upset with me today, he says he just hears all the bad stuff and how unhappy I am and then when he got to my friend's house I was fine and being silly and 'inappropriate' but then as soon as we got home I just crashed.
I feel so bad. I don't want to tell him I was blind drunk as I am embarrassed and he never gets that way. It was inappropriate and I've apologised to my friend by text because I genuinely don't know what I was saying to her and her DH.
my husband made a huge effort recently for my 40th and he has a lot of stress about work and his uncle who is a similar age to him is dying slowly and agonisingly of cancer in another country. I haven't been a good support to him.
But, I feel very much on the edge of falling off the cliff. I burst into tears at anything. I have no emotional resilience. I fell down the steps of the train to the platform on Thursday, my legs just buckled. I'm a healthy 40 year old it's just not right. We are both being pushed too hard too far. And if you add in all the news etc it just feels so overwhelming.
Can anyone help me? What can I do to manage better? What should I say to my DH? I love him loads and I'm so sorry I upset him. He's a gentle calm person and doesn't usually get upset but having said that his emotional support abilities aren't huge when I'm upset.
I have tried reaching out to friends but everyone seems to think it's too weird 'your life is always trippy' was one thing a friend said this week and I think that is right. How can I make it less trippy? The common factor in everything I've told you is me, right?