Feeling lost

[Bubbles608]

Hi there
I've been reading the forums for a while but never actually posted. I guess I'm feeling a little lost and don't really know who to talk too.

A bit of background. Been with hubby 11 years and we have a beautiful 5 year old girl. We got married 4 years ago and as a result of the wedding (trying to please everyone) we have been in financial trouble ever since. I work full time day shift and he works night shift. The first few years I really missed him at night but now I'm wishing he would leave earlier.

From about 3 years ago I find myself wanting intimacy with him less and less. I don't know why but I go through periods where I just don't want to be touched.

18 months ago I lost my dad to suicide and while I felt I coped ok I feel my relationship has suffered and I don't even know how.

I am constantly tired no matter how much i sleep. Weight has started to creep on to me and i find it difficult due to our work life to find time for the gym.

I love my husband. He is my best friend and I would never have gotten through what I've been through without him.I just feel a little lost in our relationship and can't seem to find my way back.

Sorry for the long rant. I never thought I would post to a forum for advice, but I don't know what else to do

So much going on for you Bubbles608....I’m new to this so I’m not sure if you’ve had a reply yet but I’ll reply.

First of all 18 months is no time at all since you lost your dad and particularly to something so tragic. My mum passed away 18 months ago and it feels like yesterday.

I’ve worked shifts before and although I didn’t do full night shifts, I know people who did. Their lifestyle wasn’t great and as for relationships that was almost at the bottom of their list,

Having a young child is wonderful and hard. By the time they are about 5 I can say a lot of women get tired of trying to keep a man happy, earlier than 5 . It’s as if you have all the love and time for the little cute one and nothing left for the big grown up one.

You say about your weight and this can have a crushing effect on how we feel (less attractive), toegether with tiredness from working and keeping all the balls juggling.

I think resentment builds up and we then take it out on the closest one, eg your husband .

So I’m speaking from experience, I left my husband 9 years ago. We had a child (who is now 19). My biggest reason for leaving was I couldn’t bare him getting close to me. We’d been together a long time and in fact tomorrow would be our 30th wedding anniversary ! I still keep in touch with him, neither of us have remarried, and it’s been a struggle for me financially for the last 9 years,

Don’t do anything rash. Maybe take a day off together when your daughter is at school and try to chat it through, some men don’t want to hear the truth so it may be on your terms and you may have to bite your tongue a bit. But don’t give up yet, it’s early days and once you open the can of worms about how you feel, it’s difficult to retract it.

As much as it’s lovely being on your own with your daughter and making your own plans, it’s hard too should it be permanent. But maybe talk to him about the shift patterns and how tired you are because it sounds as if something has to change,

Also CRUSE are really good to talk with about bereavement and have free groups to go to and share your loss with others and that’s difficult but well worth it.

Good luck and I hope you’ve had a better couple of days.