Feeling useless

[justthisguy]

As I've posted elsewhere, my W asked for a separation a couple of months ago. There was an EA with an OM involved but, from appearances (I'm trying to actively avoid investigating for the sake of my sanity and because, frankly, as a STXH its no longer any of my business) this appears to have fizzled out.

I wasn't really given any reason for us splitting, other than she'd changed and the feelings had gone. I think she was still confused as to why herself.

With the help of friends, family and counselling I've been putting my shattered psyche back together together. I've been honest with people that, as the person given the heave-ho, I'm not exactly going to be able to give an unbiased explanation of things. I'm the last person who'll be able to give an honest account of what went wrong. But many of these people - people who know both of us - have been saying similar things: that she found it hard being a stay-at-home mum, that she had unrealistic, idealistic expectations and - like the vast majority of stay-at-home mums - found bringing up two young kids a lonely, dispiriting, soul-grinding experience.

I tried to help. I got flexible with work hours so I could help out as much as possible. I even offered to cut my days at work so we could share childminding duties so she could work part-time too. But she refused.

It's now becoming apparent that the "deal breaker" - if there were one - was simply the fact she didn't want to have to consider another persons thoughts, wants and needs in the home. The kids were more than enough. No matter how much I did, or how much I offered support, I was still there.

So I've been let go and I guess, she's probably happier. Even if it's harder work there's one less cook stirring the broth. One less person with opinions. One less person she has to worry about keeping happy, even if I didn't ask for it. She can get time to herself when i have the boys. She gets the material and physical support with none of the emotional requirements.

It makes sense, if a little mercenary. I feel I can't object, no matter how rejected I feel. Feeling resentful almost feels selfish. the same friends, family and counsellers have been keen to try and shake me out of these thoughts saying that it wasn't my responsibility to make her happy. That a more mature person would have ensured they looked to their own needs too and taken those opportunities to get a bit more of their own life back.

But... it works for her, doesn't it? I just feel so useless.

Don’t feel useless. If you tried to flex as much as you say, it was a lot more than many do.
Going from being an Independant single to a sahm with 2 dcs can be an isolating & depressing experience, especially if your wife isn’t the type to join in with mum & toddler groups. And if she couldn’t tell you how else to help, that is hard for both.
As a single mum who left ex, I remember being so overwhelmed by dcs needs, trying to keep the house up together, doing all the baby things, trying to recover physically from a difficult birth, pnd, being fired on my first day back to work, fighting an unfair dismissal case and having my ex complaining that I no longer had time for him. I couldn’t get him to see that I was just too stressed & didn’t have the bandwidth. He thought I was cold. I felt like I’d gone from respected human being to domestic drudge.
I don’t agree with your councillor that it wasn’t your job to make your wife happy. If she’s isolated at home and struggling, then surely one’s partner is there to support and help to do just that.
But if you tried to help, did your fair share, looked after the dcs so she could still go out with her friends occasionally and have some sane time to herself, then maybe you just weren’t suited. I doubt her motives were ever mercenary. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you try, things just don’t work out.
Try to take comfort from knowing you did your best, you remain on calm good terms and that you continue to support your Dcs. Those things are the bits that will be remembered and your dcs will love you for it.

OP that is heartbreaking. Being a parent does change people. It's often the deal breaker. It was for me and my exh many years ago.
I wish he'd been like you though, I hardly ever saw him, and definitely before the DC's were in bed and often me too. It was awful. It was his idea to start a family even though I wasn't quite ready we did. Enough about me.
I think your dp just might be bored out of her tree if you understand. She might just need a break. Are you overpowering? That would have driven me nuts as well.
Food for thought.

I meant definitely not before bedtime

Were you overbearing, negative and critical. Did you bring joy to her day? I’m guessing not and I’m guessing you took her for granted for many years before she broke beyond repair. Yes it suits her now because she’s finally getting a decent break and she’s done emotionally investing in you which gives her the emotional space to sort herself out. You should have helped more and been supportive in those early days. Did you ever take both boys out for a day at the weekend, without being asked? I think it’s important you truly look at your behaviour in those early days because it’s very hard to get back lost trust if she got lumbered with 100% of the mental load every day. By the time you tried to pitch in, it was too late. All you can do now is be the best dad you can and try rebuilding your life.

Is she still a sahm?
How old are DCs?
She doesn’t sound a bundle of laughs. I don’t know why you see yourself as useless. Haven’t you found yourself a nice place and having great fun really getting to know your DCs?
Aren’t you getting out and about and finding ways to meet new people?