Recently broke up with my partner who I have been with for a year (friends for around 3 years beforehand)
I’m in my early 20’s, known him since I was 16. When we first met he was very quiet and I never got to know him deeply because of this, although I was always attracted to the fact that there was something mysterious about him.
The more I got to know him, the more I found out things. He has a drink and drug problem which is partly bought on by his mental health problems. I don’t doubt I know the full extent but from what I get he suffers from paranoia and ocd although he only told me this a few months before we split up (I knew something was up long before this)
I’ve always been so so attracted to him, although have known he is not emotionally available.
We tried to work through things but eventually it has got too much for me. He would lie about everything. The thing is, to this day I still seem to believe it is my fault, I feel guilty and I partly blame myself for either being too hard on him or kicking off too much.
For instance if he drank, I would kick off as he knew I had an issue with this. This then led to him lying about it, despite the fact we had agreed to be open with each other so I could build up trust with him. There has also been a few occasions with females. We had an argument and he went and kissed a female friend of his one night while drunk (we wasn’t together at this point) but he never told me until he was drunk a few weeks later.
Fast forwards a few months, we split and had some time apart and I found he soon slept with someone else then tried to recommence things with me. All throughout this time he was making sure I wasn’t hooking up with anyone, he never told me he slept with someone until he got caught out by one of my friends.
When I bought up the fact that we had agreed to be open with each other, he said he was going to tell me in a few months but he had to before but bevause one of my friends found out. Again, this is doing nothing in order for me to regain trust.
These are just a few of the many things. I know for a fact he is someone I will never fully understand, no matter how much I want to trust him I know deep down I never will as he has lied throughout the whole relationship relationship. But.. for some reason I have this voice at the back of my head telling me that it’s still my fault. I guess it’s because I do tend to kick off if I get lied to and if I feel like he is being disrespectful, and because of this he resorts to lying to keep me happy. But obviously I know this is wrong.
I just really need someone to put my head in the right place and tell me this behaviour is not ok. I know I will never get back with him. He knows it is over for good, the fact that I feel paranoid with him constantly is enough to end it. I just don’t know why I constantly feel like it is my fault that it never worked out. I still love him even though from someone else’s perspective, and the way he has treated me (there has been many selfish behaviours) this would seem very odd.
I am going to give the freedom programme a go as I think this has become a pattern already. I haven’t had the best upbringing in terms of relationships so perhaps this is why?
I really don’t know....