Pls help me support DP and stop feeling needy .

[Tinkerbellx]

DP mother had a stroke 2 days ago and she remains quite unwell .
He drove to the hospital as soon as he could and his siblings arrived yesterday from various countries so they are all together at the hospital .
He called me on the way and I just listened to him for most of the drive (400 miles away so not on the doorstep ) .
He's kept in touch and even asked about me and dc ( always thinks of others before himself) .
We've been together 18 months and Ive met his parents but not his siblings as all abroad .
We're both in our mid forties and I would like to think very much in love and committed . I do have confidence in our relationship .
This is about him not me yet I feel so helpless here not able to at least give him a hug . I hate the thought of him being so sad . He is the one who will be keeping everyone calm and doing everything and he must be exhausted .

I've shocked myself at how needy I must be. Just because he hasn't asked me to go ( and prob wouldn't want to put me out as knows I've got the dc this weekend and a manic work schedule ) .
I know this is completely selfish . This is about him not me .
I know he'll ask if he needs me but it's hard standing back .
I'm a health prof too so the urge to give well meaning advice is there ... but I'm trying to just listen and he'll ask if he wants advice right ?
I've never been on the other side and I care about him so much but know I have to respect his needs what ever they may be for a while now .
Anyone else had similar ?
I'm disappointed in myself for feeling rejected which is pathetic when this is entirely about him .
I'm over thinking as v tired , worried about him and his dm and just want to be the best partner I can be at this time so any advice would be really welcome .
In the meantime I'm thinking leave him be and just listen and ask for nothing this end ??
He'll call me shortly so fingers crossed it's better news anyway .
Sorry if I'm waffling x

I would n’t call him as he’ll be busy and will probably can’t use his phone in the hospital anyway. Try and rest, you re probably just tired and stressed.

I think if you have experience as a health professional you should offer advice he is probably terrified and doesn’t know what should be happening next/what he should be asking?

I would try and do something nice for him like take a care package of food round to his house before he comes back

If he has several siblings with him all adults then I don't think he needs advice.

Imv your job is to keep everything running smoothly at home and just be someone available to vent to if he wants to.

Hi long time lurker here but joined just to reply to your post. I totally get where you are coming from. My husband and I have been together almost 20 years. Had close relationship with his lovely mum. She collapsed from a stroke last year. We live an hour and half away. He rang me at work to say he would be going to the hospital to see her, didn't want me to come but I insisted as didn't want him driving in a state. His mum sadly died. It was traumatic and worst week of our lives. After that first day where I could support him in the hospital he didn't want any support following this. I took week off but he chose to spend time with family on his own. I couldn't help in any way shape or form. He didn't tell me anything, was away every night and driving back in early hours every other night. I was beside myself with worry about him driving home in such state of shock and grief. I stayed home to look after the kids who were bereft at losing their nan. The next few weeks were hard. I tried to get him to talk but he wouldn't. He went through it in his own way. Even at the funeral he went into the wake walking in on his own, I couldn't even hold his hand. He is an exceptional husband and father and extremely loving. It was very difficult not being able to be there for him. This was his pain and I have no idea what he was going through. I always thought we would go through the grief of our parents supporting each other. It doesn't work like that as one of you is going through something the other, with living parents could never imagine. After weeks of him ignoring me we ended up arguing. He told me day of the funeral I made him feel like shit always wanting to talk about it. I thought I was doing the right thing. I'd have his siblings here, I put so much effort in looking after them, but when they left he'd ignore me again. What I'm trying to say is that I learnt to leave him alone. The more I left him the less upset he was. He didn't want the help and I made things worse by trying. It made a difference in our relationship, I don't think we are as close now as we were but grief and worry are so personal even the closest to you cant even begin to help sometimes. I can't imagine him not being around for me when my mum passes or gets ill but I guess I don't know how I will react yet. I felt needy and selfish like you, just by wanting to care for him. In my experience it got us nowhere. My advice is give him space and he will ask you for help when he needs it. It's tough, but you have to take a step back. Broke my heart seeing him so sad, but if they don't need you there there's nothing you can do. It changes things, it doesn't always bring you closer. Big hugs

Thanks all .
Well the news wasn't good last night .
Betty I really appreciate your message thank you .
He knows I'm here and if and when he needs me I'll go but in the meantime I'll give him the space he needs . I've noticed he's a man of routine and seems to look forward to our late night call even now so we talked about the usual things last night and then he talked about his mum for a while and I just listened .
I can't fix this for him nor do I want to become an irritation trying to .
I hear what your saying Betty so thank you for sharing that really . I think giving space and trusting that it doesn't mean they don't care is all I can do . It's showing respect I guess too ?
He is being so strong and taking care of his dad and his siblings and knows without phone calls / questions or anything else that I'm there for him in the background .
I know it's pathetic of me to have wanted him to need me more, but that's about making ME feel needed which is totally wrong . It has made me question my own attitude though and maybe I'm more selfish in he relationship than I want to be .
I did ask him to let me know if the worst happens because I'd want to come and he said he would and that was very kind .

Fingers crossed they have a better day and now off to tackle the ironing

Made me question too but not selfish to want to look after the ones we love. Glad you won't be making mistakes I made. Hope his mum makes a quick recovery. Best wishes to you both.