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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to do with this situation...

50 replies

mynameisupsydaisy · 13/07/2018 19:10

So, basically I work in a shop.
There’s a man that comes in. He knows I’m in a long term relationship with a child.
We’ve spoken about it in passing, eg mentioned holidays I’ve been on etc. Never given him any reason to believe I’m unhappy, although he’s heard me moaning to my colleagues for example “I’ll have to dash out in a minute as DP has forgotten DD swimming kit AGAIN” for example. He’s always fishing for info re me and my family life but I just change the subject.
Anyway he’s taken to constantly friend requesting me on Facebook, like every day. I’ve blocked one account of his and he made another. I’ve stopped reading the messages now, but it was mostly along the lines of him wanting to take me out for drinks/meals. I’ve never replied to these.
He’s now started constantly calling me on Facebook messenger. I ignore these calls too. So all calls and messages look to him like they’ve not been seen/read.
I wanted to just ignore them as I didn’t want things to be awkward at work if I saw him and for him to ask why i hadn’t responded.
He’s got a gf himself too and is 15 years younger than me.
The ignoring him approach clearly isn’t working and my DP wants me to openly say to him “stop calling and messaging me”
I’m worried this will make it awkward at work.
But to be fair I already feel intimidated when he comes in and it makes me shaky and nervous so it can’t get much worse.

OP posts:
diedyediedye · 13/07/2018 22:32

Why not come off fb for a while?

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 13/07/2018 22:50

If he says to you "why haven't you taken any of my calls/FB messages?"
Say "because that would be inappropriate, we have a purely professional relationship, my social media and my time outside of work is for friends and family only"

Also, speak to your supervisors again, tell them how much he is contacting you and say it's making you very nervous. Make sure they are aware that it's intimidating. Would they be able to move you to a different account?

LookWhosHavingKittens · 13/07/2018 22:52

Because she shouldn't have to and people like this will wait.

It hasn't yet been said OP but should this continue after being very clear with him in your response (right now maybe he's wondering if you've got the messages, etc. but once you respond should clear that up), you should go to the police without hesitation. These things can escalate quickly.

ThinkingCat · 13/07/2018 23:39

"Could you stop trying to call me and stop sending messages all the time. I don't actually use Facebook and Messenger for work. If you send any more messages my husband is going to be getting involved. He might report you to the police actually."

387I2 · 14/07/2018 05:33

Urgh, a possible stalker... Confused

I just watched on YouTube, on therapycable channel, episode "Tips for Avoiding Stalkers" with the guest Dr. Eric Hickey, and from channel "Sanctuary08456589868" the film "10 top tips to help deal with and stop a stalker".

Tell your family and work colleagues about what is going on. Think about your safety and watch the film with the top ten tips which seem like good advice.

Maelstrop · 14/07/2018 10:14

Go to your supervisors and insist on them taking it seriously. This man is harassing you. Please read the Paladin website.

Blobbydobbydobb · 14/07/2018 10:24

This is why people should make proper use of their privacy settings on FB. I work with the public and have an unusual name. Hence I have my FB settings on the highest possible security. No one can friend request me and only friends can send me messages. My pictures and posts are only visible to friends, not that I use it much anyway.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 14/07/2018 10:25

Me too - only friends on there and I have had students [male, adult] try to message me but because I don't accept them they cannot make contact.

Creepy odious little men.

mynameisupsydaisy · 14/07/2018 12:09

I don’t think changing my Facebook name will help as he’ll just find me through other peoples profiles.
We live in a small town and have friends on Facebook in common despite me being much older than him.
Will tell him direct that I don’t want him contacting me and I’m not interested and if it carries on then I’ll take it further.
Literally never imagined that he wouldn’t take the hint after 3 weeks tho.

OP posts:
387I2 · 14/07/2018 18:49

At least it's 3 weeks and not 33 weeks (or 333 weeks).... Good luck!

0ccamsRazor · 14/07/2018 18:57

Tell your supervisor that if he/she does not step in and stop this man from harassing you, that you will have no choice but to report him to the police for harassment. Something that your supervisor would not want as he will probably take his custom elsewhere.

0ccamsRazor · 14/07/2018 19:01

Stop this man.... obviously supervisor can't stop him but they can tell him to stop and back you up by making sure that you are busy and unavailable when he enters your work place.

RestingBitchFaced · 14/07/2018 19:30

Block him again!

Ratarse · 14/07/2018 19:55

Put it in writing to your top manager and HR, let them know that you are going to the police as management laughed when you reported it to them last time. Then report him to the police.

This is not ok.
You do not have to put up with this.
He is harassing you.
This is illegal.

Attic14 · 14/07/2018 20:18

Could this have not been nipped in the bud sooner? Just saying that you have a partner and you're happy but thanks for the offer, kinda thing? It could have kept him a customer and he might have taken the hint with no hard feelings?

eddielizzard · 14/07/2018 20:49

block him on the other accounts and tell your supervisor that they've got to take it seriously. It's not right to just laugh. It's not good enough.

mynameisupsydaisy · 14/07/2018 22:00

He knows I’ve got a partner, knows I have a child.
We have spoken about it in passing, he’s seen hundreds of happy Facebook photos and posts when I made my profile public for a week in the hope he’d get the hint.
My profile picture that he would have seen every single day for 3 weeks when he’s repeatedly friends requested me is of me and my DP.
He keeps deleting the requests and then sending them again daily so he knows I am seeing them.
It’s weird behaviour.
But yes, I’ll tell him direct next week anyway.
Have held of just telling him direct as his behaviour is childish enough including petty comments, when I’m dealing with another customer and not him, so dread to think how he’ll act when I tell him to leave me alone.
Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 14/07/2018 22:19

I can’t believe some of the answers on here. You need to go to your supervisor now. Say you feel like you have a stalker (you have) tell them in writing that you want them to take a course of action.
You are there responsibility whilst you work there, it’s not funny at all.

Someone needs to take him aside and make it very clear that if this behaviour continues you will call the police.

It’s irrelevant if that’s going to work or not, you need him to know to back off now.

Stellarbella · 14/07/2018 22:48

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous. You have a stalker. He is harassing you. You cannot and should not deal with this yourself. Nor should your DP have to deal with it. Your boss is not taking your safety seriously. You MUST go to the police. Please don’t leave it any longer.

Sunrise888 · 14/07/2018 22:59

I agree, you have every right to feel safe at work. Speak to your boss again about how all this is making you feel, and of they don't taken it seriously then escalate. Good luck.

BerylStreep · 14/07/2018 23:25

This is a health and safety issue arising from the workplace and your management need to take it seriously. I honestly find it impossible to imagine that if a staff member of mine was being harassed at work by a client that it would be laughed off.

I also think you need to get your ducks in a row with management before you raise it with him directly. I would suggest a written report / letter covering the following:

X has been making a number of unwanted approaches to you via social media since (date) and outline the number of times.

You have never been anything but professional towards x, and you do not want any outside contact with him. To date you have blocked him on social media and ignored the requests, however he has formed new accounts to make further contact with you.

You have reported it to yyyy in work on (dates) however his attempts at contact are continuing.

This unwanted contact which has arisen as a result of contact in the workplace is causing you stress and anxiety. You find it particularly anxiety provoking when he comes into the premises.

You are planning to speak to x directly to state that you don't want any contact outside of the workplace. You are concerned that by doing so it may result in a backlash against you, either in the form of complaints against you or an escalation outside of the workplace.

You are formally asking your employer for their support and assistance in dealing with this unwanted sexual attention from a customer.

At the end of the day your employer had a duty of care towards you, and they need to ensure this is stopped.

BerylStreep · 14/07/2018 23:30

Also make sure in your report that you state if it is not adequately addressed then you will have little alternative but to report the matter to police as harassment

PickAChew · 14/07/2018 23:39

No excuses. Just plain I'm not interested

If you can't put him off and work won't help then might be worth calling 101 for advice.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 14/07/2018 23:47

I think Beryl's approach is spot on. Once you've given work the heads up you need to actually tell him to stop contacting you, if he continues after that it will be a police matter. I imagine it would be good to get your request to stop in writing?

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