Ignoring boundaries on porn

[yetmorecrap]

Ladies, have to post as feeling seriously let down. Please don’t let this get into a rights and wrongs of porn kind of thing but would like to know I am not off my rocker at seriously considering separation whilst he sorts his head out and see how I feel apart too . Following on from discovering details of a very old emotional affair 18 months ago (it happened 12 years ago) plus some overcommunicating with a female colleague (innocent enough but hidden ) I decided to stay and see how it went and made it clear trust needed to be built again and he understood that. Whether or not you agree with it I decided to put my firewall into action and check router stats regularly as he works at home (phone bill in my name anyway) turns out that even though he hides it very carefully he has a whopping porn habit, virtually every day and behind my back the minute I leave, sometimes middle of the day too . It’s nothing really really weird, mainly lesbian stuff and a fair bit of homemade amateur stuff there as well, but just ‘a lot’ of it. I’ve known about it for around a year. About 8 months ago I brought the subject up quite casually, didn’t tell him how I knew, just said I had seen the occasional cookie there and said whilst I don’t say ‘never’ I would rather it was when away a few times a month with work and he said, ‘it’s stopping’ ‘I’m not doing it’ and then preceded to stonewall me for the next few hours. He clearly tried for 2 weeks and then it all started up again even more than ever. If I bring it up again I will have to say how I know but to be honest I am beginning to feel that he just doesn’t want any boundaries and I am not sure I really want to be married to what feels like a porn addict. 22 years married and I have to say as he is a bit of a new man/feminist type I am quite gobsmacked. I know some will say this is controlling of me, but I can’t help what I feel and I find it a complete turn off when someone constantly wants to re enact what they watch so much . (Don’t think I need to give details) . Am I the only one who whilst they don’t say ‘no porn ever’ does feel there comes a point when they begin to feel totally disrespected and ignored.

I have read lots of your many threads and posts about this guy

I have only one thing to say: stop flogging this dead horse.

It’s difficult AF, I have started to wonder if it’s my expectations that are too high , as so many dont seem to have a problem with partners unless they are actually out there seeing escorts or shagging someone else, none of which I have evidence of.

You have answered your own question. It's not about rights or wrongs of porn, not controlling, but whether you want to be married to someone like this.

You don't. Time to move on.

I’ve not read any of your other posts so can’t comment on all the other stuff. So, it probably depends on how much and what re enact means. If it was 3 hours a day, I’d say that’s too much! If it’s half hour, personally, it wouldn’t bother me. Re enact that wound bother me much more. If I’m meant to play the lady who calls the plumber I just couldn’t!!! If it’s just trying new positions that wouldn’t bother me.
I’ve never really asked my husband how much he watches and maybe that’s the thing, most of us don’t have the ability to keep tabs and maybe that’s a good thing?!

If you are not happy then you should end the relationship and clearly you are not otherwise you would not be posting. I think you know this deep down and you just want some verification else where.

I think you are right and I think he will be devastated to be honest , but I do feel I am living a lie and I have really tried , I am simply not as sexually interested as he is and don’t think that will come back sadly

I know what you mean, it's what I call 'the starving children in Africa thing'. There will always be something worse, like the staving kids, but it doesn't make you feel any better. It's a kind of minimising I think. We even do it to ourselves. Self-guilt tripping.

I don’t think the issue is him watching porn. You say you’re not very sexual so if that’s true then obviously he’s gunna watch porn or whatever

I think the main issue is you keep tracks on him and spy on what he’s doing. You’re invading his privacy and to me that is worse than having a wank to a couple of lesbians on a screen..

You obviously don’t trust him and of course we know why. Nobody can blame you. But you can’t claim to be working on trust if at the same time you spy on his every move? If you were a man everybody would be telling you you’re a creepy stalker and they didn’t blame the woman for cheating

Move on if you can’t regain trust. Whether or not you agree with porn is down to you but Spying on him and what he’s doing is never gunna help regain it back

I never ever looked at a thing until I had very good reason to do so, I wish I had spied a lot more back in 2005 to be honest before I had invested so many years , in all fairness I am not actually spying as such, I am looking at what is openly there if you know where to look

How long for and how many times will you keep talking yourself into staying with this guy ?

Does he make you happy ? You Ypu seem utterly miserable to me.

At the moment AF, I have to say not really

OP - you sound unhappy - for a number of reasons, and just because one doesn’t have to have a reason.
It doesn’t matter what anyone says and what’s reasonable or not. Even if all of us told you it were ‘reasonable’ - it won’t change how you feel.

Absolutely no reason to force yourself to do anything - let a long be with someone who doesn’t make you happy. Regardless of whether he watches porn and how much.

(As to porn itself - for me it’s not an issue how much one watches as long as sex life isn’t affected.
However - it doesn’t matter !!!!
See above)

Having high expectations is a good thing. Just because many other women unfortunately have very low excpectations of their partners, it doesn't mean you or anyone else should. You can end a relationship for any reason you like - you don't have to justify it to anyone.

Thank you king killer, it can be a killer on here reading horrendous stories and somehow you forget that it's perfectly OK to have your own boundaries. I am clearly not as cool as I thought I was a good few years ago and a lack of respect and manners does bother me and affect my feelings, I almost feel embarrassed to say so. My husband I know certainly thinks a lot of me, so it's less clear cut than it may sound on others posts. Life isn't black and white , lots of shades of grey!! I am not happy at the moment no. But it's more related to behaviour than the actual person.

Behaviour defines a person...no ?