How much do you offload to others?

[JaceLancs]

I’m not in a good place at the moment work stress, relationship issues, caring for elderly parents, sorting out estate of another relative who died recently, money worries and final straw this week was a major car breakdown
I am very lucky to have a good relationship with both my adult DC (25 and 26) last night I broke down in front of DD and later she sent me this message
“I worry about you, you know. I know there is nothing I can say or do that will help...there are things I wanted to say but nothing will help the situation. I’m here always here if you need me or want to talk. You are always welcome here and always loved. I love you so much xxxxxxx”
It made me cry even more x I’m proud that as a lone parent I raised such lovely DC but feel awful that I’m burdening them with my problems - I always had to be the strong one and keep it altogether for them when they were younger
Now the balance has shifted and I’m not comfortable about that
Any suggestions?

You've certainly got a lot of worries right now, but to be blunt they're your worries not your children's.
Others will disagree, but I don't think you should unburden to them. You shouldn't put additional stress on your children.
Likewise, you're looking after your parents. Why? The problems, whatever they are, are theirs not yours; you have enough worries of your own.
I know this sounds heartless. Keep your problems away from your kids and your parents should keep theirs away from you.

I could disagree more with Disquieted. I prefer a society where all generations of a family are connected. Separation and isolation leads to misery. A problem shared is a problem halved.

I hope your life starts to get easier soon.

Your dc are adults, so there should be a mature relationship between you that is give and take. There is nothing wrong in being honest about struggling sometimes and fresh eyes can be helpful. Your parents are their grandparents, they could maybe help a little.

DM has dementia and DF is 93 they still live in their own home with some paid care, cleaner and gardener - I help in other ways and have POA care and finance
DC do help with this a little but are young and enjoying their own lives as they should
It was more about my emotional burden and that I felt bad for breaking down and worrying them
I do try not to use them as a shoulder to cry on but they are caring individuals and can see I’m not in a good place

As an adult daughter I’m glad my mum confides in me as I confide in her. I’m not a child, she doesn’t need to protect me from her feelings. Now we’re both adults she’s my friend as much as anything. It’s a good thing you can open up to your kids and I don’t know anyone would think otherwise.

Disquieted1 I think your opinion is really sad. Families should care for and support each other, why shouldn’t parents and children be there for each other?

It's what family is for. Support and sharing the load.

Looks like I've inadvertently opened a can of worms.
People differ. In my family support goes down the generations, not up it. I don't want my children, or heaven forbid grandchildren, worrying about me. It's my job to support them, not the other way round.
I know that in some families and cultures, children and grandchildren are expected to look after grandparents. People are different.

OP. You know your family better than anyone. If your children are mature enough to share your pains and you are comfortable with that, then by all means share them.

At 25 & 26, of course they're mature enough.

My and my mum have supported each other emotionally for as long as I can remember but I've been told I've got an old head on my shoulders. I don't feel burdened when she talks to me, but glad if I've been able to help. You know your kids OP I don't see the problem xx

I don't agree with leaning emotionally on the kids either. Your children are not people to offload on. Mind I may have a tainted view as my mother really should see a therapist.

Families are different though, if you are that close, as long as it's not constant heavy leaning on that adult child then fill your boots. It must be nice to have that relationship with them.

I’d feel really sad if my parents fare don’t feel able to confide in me. I can help and like to help. We are closer as a family because of our willingness to treat each other as adults and friends rather than just being related.

I agree with not leaning on dc when they're young, but we're talking about adult children here . Your relationship changes over the years and you become more equal with your parents. And at some point, you end up with a caring role for your aged parents when they're no longer as able. That's life.

And at some point, you end up with a caring role for your aged parents when they're no longer as able. That's life

Some parents reap what they have sown so that's not always true.

No, that's true. And that's fair enough.

Disquieted: Likewise, you're looking after your parents. Why? The problems, whatever they are, are theirs not yours;

What a strange way of looking at life - unless a person has been abused by parents, I would imagined we would want to help them out on their time of need

Families should be able to support each other, and as adult children, I see no problem with them providing support. I’m lucky enough at middle age myself to have two parents who I wouldn’t think twice about offering advice to, listening to their problems etc. For me, that’s the very definition of family. Of course children should be protected from the harsher side of life if possible, but a family is a network that grows and matures and different roles develop.

I always leant on my mum. Through a divorce, a new relationship and also when that relationship had it's wobbles, she was my rock. Sadly she passed away a few years ago and I realised I'd probably burdened her a little too much.