Depression in marriage

[Maggie134]

Hi,

I am married to a man who has quite recently been diagnosed with depression. He went to the GP under duress from me and has been described antidepressants. He has been on them for over a year and I see no improvement.

He sleeps all day, is bad tempered and aggressive, drinks excessively, eats takeaways almost every day, does nothing around the house and does no exercise. We haven’t had sex, apart from the odd fumble, in over 2 years and we’ve only been married 3. Before that the wax was fantastic and although he did oversleep and overeat our life was pretty good. He was a gentleman with lovely manners who treated me like a princess (even if he was a bit lazy round the house) but he has turned into a monster who calls me names, laughs at me and is more of a zombie than a person.

Now I find myself consumed with rage at what my life has become. I have a first class honours degree, a masters and a lovely extended family who I adore but my marriage is the pits. I think I deserve more. We have no how life, no social life and no sex life. I am ashamed of how he is always sleeping and the outside of our home is a shambles (I keep the inside pristine).

I have always been a bit overweight but now I just cannot stop eating all day every day. I do no exercise either where I used to walk the dog for 5km every day and swim and do Pilates. I am drinking a lot too as I am on my own so much and as I work from home my productivity has plummeted. Some days I don’t even switch on my computer, I’m afraid I’m going to get sacked. I watch tv all day and cry at the drop of a hat. How can I pull us out of this hole when he has no interest?

I should have said the sex not the wax . Also I should have said I am seeing a GP for suspected PCOS and have been self harming when we argue for over a year. Since my problems are deemed to be marriage related I can’t get support through the nhs so I haven to pay for any therapy which I can I’ll afford.

Research narcissism

Your marriage has broken down to the point where you are self harming. I know it's not his fault he has depression (and I do too) but I think you need to walk away. He will have to find other people to support him because it sounds to me like you've reached breaking point. Every aspect of your life seems to be fall apart- house, work, your physical health. I know it's hard to leave someone you love when you have no way of knowing how they will cope but I think you need to put yourself first right now...

From briefly reading your post, I think you should attack your eating and drinking habits first and foremost. The bad eating habits might have to do with the fact that he, or you both, have developed a depression. It seems like a bad spiral, spiralling downwards: bad eating, fast food and soda, regular drinking (alcohol), and no exercise, and no other particular hobbies that you both enjoy or at least can put up with. Turn off the TV. Create a mutual hobby if you don't have one, e.g. going for long walks with the dog and take photos of what you see, and that you write about in a blog. A lot of people have that as their hobby. Also, I think you should start with a hobby first, and later find you develop an interest for it the more you indulge in it (the hobby), because if you sit at home wait for "inspiration" you might be waiting for a very long time if you're both depressed and occupied with eating junk food, watching TV and drinking alcohol, while the house is in a mess, so you simply have to decide to do it the other way around: decide on a hobby and then pursue it regardless.