Is it time to let 20 year friendship die? If so, how?

[Frookie]

OK so I'm a long time lurker and thought it was about time I joined! Hoping to sound you all out on a friendship which has bugged me over the years and getting to a point where I might have to let it go...Only a minor issue compared to what lots of people have going on, but here goes!

I've had a friend, Kirsty, for around 20 years now. I have to admit I wasn't that keen on her to start with, as even though she would describe herself as a shy, quiet, sensitive soul, she would deliver lengthy monologues to me every time we were together. For context, I do find it difficult to talk at length about myself (finding it easier to write about myself!), unless people ask me specific questions and seem genuinely interested. My conversational style is typically question-asker. I guess we fell into friendship due to her persistence and our circumstances would often throw us together.

Kirsty has always readily told me her problems and personal details and to that extent we are close. I don't think she has ever got to know how I feel personally or shown any true interest. She probably sees me as a calm steady rock, whom she made her maid of honour as, "you will best calm my nerves on the big day".

We both have 2 children of similar ages. I thought this would give us some common ground and even things out. Buy it seems to have pushed us further apart. I feel that time is too precious to waste on someone who doesn't genuinely care. Recently I have made the effort to change my style and force myself to volunteer more information. When I do so, I see her eyes physically glaze over and look in the opposite direction. One time she interrupted me and changed the topic altogether (I had said 1 or 2 sentences about a play I'd seen which was of a topic relevant to her).

If one of my major events (house purchase/engagement/child birth etc), coincides with one of her's, it is barely acknowledged. She places great importance on her own birthdays etc (sensitive soul that she is), but doesn't send cards on mine or my children's, though does usually give a present at a later date.

She never remembers things I've told her, e.g. that I'm going on holiday, let alone where. Recently we went to the same place within weeks of each other. Whilst I was still away at the place she'd just been to, she sent me a lengthy message about her holiday, oblivious that I was there, even though we'd not long ago laughed at the coincidence. Weirdly she can tell me detailed information about her brother's friend's acquaintances, but can't retain significant facts about me.

She failed to show up to an event important to me personally, and texted me after it had started saying she could no longer make it as she needed to prepare for an exam happening in a few days. I'd spent hours helping her with this prep in the weeks previous despite having a young baby at the time.

I come away from most meet ups with Kirsty feeling annoyed and let-down due to the one-sided nature of it all. She is also tight. If we go somewhere like a cafe or cinema and I get to the till first, I'll simply pay for us both. She doesn't even acknowledge the gesture, let alone say thanks. Recently she got to the desk in a softplay first and just paid for herself. She's intelligent and has a fantastic memory, so it's definitely not her being scatty.

I dread meeting up with her and receiving messages. I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive and should accept the status-quo. Kirsty can be kind and does mean well. My husband doesn't think any of the above is a problem, as she doesn't do it intentionally or maliciously. Interestingly I notice she is on better form when either of our husbands are around. Maybe she’s as bored of me!

It would seem a shame to abandon a long friendship with lots of shared history. I don't want to upset her. BUT at the same time I get wound up by all contact with her - it's not really fair on either of us. If I do decide enough is enough, how do I actually make the friendship fizzle out? She is fairly persistent and thinks we're very close..
Thank you to anyone who's made it this far
..sorry didn't expect it to be so long!

Sorry its not a long response but you arent losing anything by ending it are you? She doesnt even sound like a friend-she doesnt care what you do, when, where you are, anything.
Make room for a real friend, youve done nothing wrong here. Tightness is very unattractive imo. I couldnt be like that with someone i loved.

Jeez she sounds awful! You're a convenient audience to her. She's not remotely interested in you and just spying for herself when you always pay for her is bloody cheeky not just tight. She's no friend.

Just do what she does.
Always arrive late. Or text your too busy.
When she starts to talk over you, say oh do you not want too hear what I was going to say.
With the going somewhere, always have the correct money and just place yours on the counter... So she has to pay.

You sound like she's a friend out of habit rather than choice. She's not contributing anything positive but is actually bringing you down.

If you don't want to do the hard end by telling her what you really think then just gradually fade away. Be less available and responsive.

I'd tell her why you no longer want to remain friends. She sounds horrendous. I know if I didn't I'd kick myself down the line. You don't have to say it in an accusing way, just be matter of fact. Now, she'll probably interrupt you, so have the reasons written on a piece of paper to hand to her when she does. She may learn from this, most likely not. But you are absolutely right to not waste your time with her. Alternatively, as others have suggested, just stop being available and she will eventually get the hint. You are doing the right thing, in my opinion.

Thank you so much for all your helpful responses. It was actually a relief that you all agree that i should abandon the so-called friendship! That tells me everything I need to know. I received another self-absorbed txt from her this morning, even though I hadn't replied to her last!

Reply to the text telling her how self absorbed she is. It will make sense then when you aren't available to meet her down the line. Stand up to her, you'll feel so good about yourself for doing it!! :)

If you don't want a confrontation/big conversation on how she's not being a good friend, then just stop responding to her texts. She'll drop off sooner or later, being ignored. She might ask "what's going on?" and then you can tell her.

I’d personally say that you don’t need there to be a big conversation. Just let it drift. She won’t hear what you say miraculously change so why put yourself through a big conversation. Just be busy. Don’t respond at all to to texts or if you feel you want to don’t respond quickly or in much detail. You have 20 years of friendship. You don’t need to fall out but that’s different from giving up your time to spend with someone when that experience is unpleasant. Just don’t do it.

I wouldn't have a conversation about why, just make excuses, don't rearrange and cool the amount you message. You don't sound like you actually like her much at all.

I had a friend who became a bit like this but we had been friends for over 40 years. The final straw was when she organised an event on my birthday inviting mutual friends but not me.

She is self absorbed and needy. I know there are reasons for her issues but it's not up to me to try to fix her.

I just never made any more arrangements with her and she didn't contact me - I guess she knew she'd done a shitty thing. I just stopped engaging. I have no regrets.

Yeah I wouldnt bother telling her why. She will play the victim if you have any mutual friends. Just cool it off until you arent really expected to meet up/reply etc. You could say youve grown apart if she asks.

Reread your original post. She's no real friend, it sounds like she genuinely doesn't like you or respect you. She sounds selfish and self absorbed. You sound lovely and, no, you are not being over-sensitive.

Have you got other friends or are you reliant on her for company somehow? Make new friends and invest in others who are less selfish and from whose friendship you will enjoy or benefit more.

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like this, there's just no point. She sounds very uninterested in you, and bored too.

Let it fizzle out, I bet she won't pursue you much. No point to make a big scene. I think you've understood it. It's a shame but it happens. Think this has gone on too long.

Kirsty can be kind and does mean well

I've had 'friends' like her and an older sibling.
None of them have a place in my life anymore.

They are users who pick their targets carefully - they never go for 'loud' people, the assertive ones or those who are blunt/to the point.
She's using and taking advantage of your kind, generous nature and inability to be assertive.

She's a good game-player, spinning you the 'i'm shy and sensitive' line to manipulate you, so you worry/think twice or even completely avoid calling her out on her cheeky-fuck behaviour......and if you do she can claim you've upset her.
What do you think would have happened if you'd asked her for the money back? Or told her to cover your drinks/food etc instead?

She loves attention and having everything revolve around her and all of it on her terms.
i'm not surprised she 'changes' when a man is in the room!
The people i knew had some really strong narcissistic traits and it seems like she does too.

No point discussing/pointing out the reasons why you're backing away, she won't take it constructively.
she'll twist it round onto you and play the victim.
Ghost her - slowly and consistently.
just avoid/ignore her txts and calls, leave it a day or so before contacting to give her an excuse as to why you can't do xyz.
If she asks why then tell her straight - she's selfish and self-absorbed.
when she denies it or plays 'dumb' only then give her examples.

don't feel bad or guilty for what you need to do, remember - she doesn't.

Such insightful comments -thanks everyone for taking the time to respond so helpfully. You're all correct - I shouldn't waste any more time on her for no reason really other than I don't want to (for valid reasons!).

@TotallyCoffeeFocused Wow 40 years! Isn't it unbelievable how friendships can end up after all this time. I hope you feel happier for letting it end.

@dirtybadger You got it, bang on - she would play the victim and milk it.

@caffelatte100 Thanks for your kind words. That's it, I'm not reliant on her for company at all. I am lucky to have 3 great close friends, a lovely family and I am also very happy in my own company...it makes me wonder why I have tolerated this for so long!

@HeebieJeebies456 So true - it is guilt which seems to hold me back, which is completely unnecessary given the way she treats me. You're totally right, her other friends all seem kind, less assertive types with bags of patience! I never noticed this before! I imagine if I called her out on her paying me back, she would have looked very stunned/played dumb! Probably later followed by a lengthy message describing how she felt sad and been crying lots because I think she's tight etc etc . That must have been particularly tough with a sibling bearing these traits..did you let these friendships die out through prolonged ghosting?

So far i am still ignoring the messages...

Ah, the professional 'Bambi'! So shy and sensitive, according to themselves. In reality, they have the hide of a rhino and are tough as nails about pushing themselves and their needs forward at all times. Just cull her. Your life will be so much richer without her ilk!

It doesn't sound as if she means well at all! I'd say she certainly does do it intentionally, especially if as you say she's got a great memory etc. Try saying No to her once, or for once acting the way she does, and see how she reacts. That'll tell you everything you need to know.

OP. There is a line in the film Shirley Valentine that always stayed with me, and it fits your situation.

"She was the sort of woman who made everything about her. Like, if I had a headache, she had a brain tumour".

If we go somewhere like a cafe or cinema and I get to the till first, I'll simply pay for us both. She doesn't even acknowledge the gesture, let alone say thanks

I would cut her out for this^ alone.