Scared that I'm changing into a horrible & angry person

[queenjosephine]

Hi all
I'm posting because I'm worried about my behaviour & wondering if anyone else has experienced similar. I'm a single mum & needing to work long hours so constantly in a rush/sleep deprived/stressed. No support from daughters dad or family. No breaks from work/child.
Love my daughter so much but in recent months I've become very snappy with my child. In the week time to play/read with her/have fun is very limited. I am constantly telling her to hurry up. I'm losing my shit with her over minor stuff. Yesterday I was telling her to hurry up and I said 'fuck' in the sentence.... she's 7....
I feel like I'm changing and becoming this angry and resenting horrible person
I have no time for me. I have hobbies and just never have time to do any of them
My ultimate fear is that I'm being a crap mum and this is impacting my daughter.
It's scary.

I didn't want to read and run but I really feel for you. There is no fix for this and I sometimes feel exactly how you feel. All I can recommend is taking big even just 5 minutes just for you. It will get better as she gets older.
Can you include DD in your hobby and do it together. X

You're not a crap mum. It's hard doing it all on your own, with FT work and everything else you have to do. Look at you single handily doing things! You worry about being late etc which stresses you and makes you snappy. I'm the same! But my kids know at the end of the day I love them and do anything for them. These are stress moments that pass. Holidays are coming up...make time to do fun stuff with your girl x

The hot weather isn’t helping moods.
I’ve been getting stressed and irritable recently.

It's such a responsibility, isn't it?

Could you encourage her to invite friends round? When there are two of them it might be easier for you to do your thing, and then hopefully she'll be invited back.

What are your hobbies? What time does she go to bed?

Ahhhh thanks for your replies.
My daughter has friends over a lot & goes to others but I normally just work or clean when she has playdates elsewhere.
I just feel like I'm out of control when I'm tired or stressed... so unpleasant to my daughter.
On a separate note, have been single for so long that I feel completely unattractive & destined to be single forever.
Which makes me even more snappy.
Ultimately I think my daughter will end up copying me and being as unreasonable & grumpy as me 😧

I really feel for you.

I felt my life was like this when I was divorced.

Firstly, is there any way you can afford to pay for a cleaner to come in for two or three hours a week? Is there something you could sacrifice for that? Do you have a drink in the evenings? That would be something that would easily fund a cleaner

You say you feel unattractive. Why don't you go on a health kick and recruit your daughter to get involved in eating healthy food and going for a long walk every evening? This is perfect weather for it. It'll be good for your daughter, too, to help her keep fit.

Why don't you print out the opening times of your local swimming pool and arrange play dates around that? As soon as your daughter's with her friend, set off for the pool.

You need to do things which help you feel good and frankly, cleaning your home just won't cut it!

I’ve been a single mum since my kids were babies, as DH died then, 26 years ago. I also worked full time as a doctor, (and taught Sunday school as well for three years of that).
If your DD is 7 now, you’re through the hardest bit. DD can be good company, can talk to you, and can share fun days out and activities with you.
My two DDs are now adults and my best friends. We enjoy holidays together, and meals out, day trips, etc. Put your hobbies on hold until you can either find a babysitter or your DD grows up enough to be left for an evening. I had one evening out every two months, at a book circle when they were young, and one weekend away from them out of 16 years. I know it’s tough and lonely but if you accept it and make the best of it, you’ll have a better relationship with DD in the long run than getting angry and impatient. It isn’t her fault, after all, that life is sometimes hard. Try to find things to enjoy together and to laugh about. I’m now retired, and have an empty house and lots of spare time for hobbies - and I miss my DDs being at home!

I’m in exactly the same position as you OP - single mum, work nearly full time, 5yr old and I go through phases of anger. I have an amazing therapist which helps enormously. And I find focus on myself and what I need (basics like sleep, eat well, exercise, relaxation time, time with good friends) really helps - perhaps feels counter-intuitive because when you’re angry you might feel selfish and to focus on yourself can feel even more selfish at first, but really if you’re looking after yourself you’re then in a much better position to be calm and patient with your child. It’s so tough doing everything on your own.

I find with anger it’s a defensive thing, often covering up some hurt or vulnerability or feeling of being trapped, so if I take a step back and observe it, ask myself what am I feeling angry about and really dig down, it often dissipates when I reach what I’m really feeling underneath. The Headspace app has really helped me with that practice of being quiet, observing, stepping back from my emotions.

Prioritise down time. Also do healthcare with your daughter like going on a bike ride, swim etc that you can both enjoy and get fit at the same time. Start having regular nights out - arrange for her to have a sleepover a few evenings a month. You need something to look forward to and if the house isn't spotless, so be it. Maybe arrange for one weekend morning where you both blitz the house but can enjoy the rest of the weekend.

They soon grow and in a few years she'll be so much more independent but that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy adult time without her.

Thank you everyone for your amazing advice
Ellafruit your post made me cry 😶
Had a massive meltdown this morning in front of my daughter
Apologised for being so grumpy & we had a big hug
I'm gonna take all your great advice on board as things need to change.....
PMT not helping 😪