No time to myself

[Forza1239]

Just a cry for help really..

I fell pregnant when I was 20 with someone who I was then in a relationship with. The relationship was not going anywhere, he was very controlling and violent so I ended it. Since he has not been involved and has no intention of being involved.

I was unsure whether to keep the baby as I am only young, had wanted to travel/ possibly go to uni etc and didn’t want to be tied down. It took me a long time to make my decision and eventually I chose to keep the baby as I did not want to feel guilty about an abortion and thought I was going to be supported by family.

The month I gave birth my mother said she was moving away. I have no other family in the area and obviously no contact with the babies father.

I’m just really struggling tbh. I feel like I’m so young and want to do so many things that I’m just not able to do now. I get asked on dates frequently which obviously I can’t go on as I haven’t got anyone to watch the baby. Even simple things like getting my hair done I now cannot do. I feel like all the fears which I had when finding out I was pregnant are now true as I am so alone.

After splitting with the baby’s father I was seeing someone else but the relationship was very toxic so we are no longer together. I guess this has bought on a lot of my feelings as I would love to go and date, go out with friends and have s bit of a pamper to take my mind of things but this can’t happen. I’ve been out for one evening in 9 months and feel like I am taking it out on the baby as I’m not happy this way. I love her but I need some time to myself.

If you have any advice it would be appreciated!

Its really hard being a young mum on your own and I do feel for you. I'm assuming your daughter is still very young - things will get easier as she starts nursery and school etc. It can be such hard work but at the same time, so boring at home on your own with a baby. As someone who has been in a similar position, I can tell you what worked for me. Although your mum and family aren't around to give you much help, try to slowly and steadily build your own support network.
When my children were little I got to know a group of other young mums and their support and friendship was invaluable, we have been through a lot together and 15-20 years on we are still friends.
Go to groups for mums and babies - sure start, ones in church halls etc. even if you are shy/ nervous about going (as I was) just force yourself to attend these things regularly. Try to seek out other lone parents in a similar position - these friendships can be so helpful and supportive.

Find out if there are any classes or activities on for free you might enjoy with a creche in your area - again, sure start might be a good place to start, and you can ask the health visitors at your GP surgery what's on.
Can you afford a babysitter or childminder for a few hours per week? Having your child build relationships with others is good for them as well as giving you a bit of time to yourself. My childminder became like a family member, we still have nights out and she recently came to my daughter's 21st birthday.
Do you have close friends? Can you tell them how you feel and see if they can help in any way,? I used to babysit for my friends occasionally before I had my own children. Perhaps invite people round to yours for a bottle of wine and a chat and move some social life into your home.
You can still have a life of your own even though you have a child. Make plans - you can make plans to go back to work, or to college or University full time or part time. Just having a plan for the future could help you feel better. Research what help there is with the cost of child care. Things won't always be this way, you can still have a life and time to yourself - you say you would love to go on a date, have time with friends etc but "this can't happen" . It actually can happen and I;m sure it will. Do a bit of research and groundwork and get out there and perhaps you will make it happen. Good luck

Thank you so much for taking your time to reply I really appreciate it and it helps so much!!

I have thought about a childminder to give myself a break and I would be happy to pay for this. I’m just never sure on how to find one and if they will be happy to look after her for a couple of hours a week as this isn’t a lot?

I am planning on going to university but that is in another area and I worry I’ll have the same problem with no one to watch the little one while I try and keep a life of my own. I’m not fussed about paying for a sitter as I would rather spend a bit and be happy within myself.

I second building up a support network. Doesn't necessarily need to be your age, but other mums you can have playdates, coffees and wine with. Also you can help each other out with babysitting etc. I don't have family close by and that's how I sorted it.

I have been exactly where you are (except I was 37). Please do not struggle on on your own. If you are getting cross with the baby because you have zero free time (understandable to be tired and frustrated) then you need to organise a childminder asap. I had one that did two afternoons a week and it was a lifesaver.
Also re uni; single parents get more financial support and 80% of childcare costs covered. I went to uni and DS went to nursery and when I'd qualified he was off to school.
Please also look for single parent local support groups on Facebook and maybe look on the Gingerbread website, they also have a forum with other lone parents on.
Lastly, could your mum still do some overnight babysitting if she has not moved too far away?

Your local council will have a list of childminders if you search their website

I think you would be able to find a childminder or private nursery for say, half a day per week as a regular slot.

If you're going to uni, there should be childcare you can access there. It's a great idea to go if you can.

I think you might benefit from doing the freedom programme as well, since you've been in two toxic relationships.

Do the freedom programme before you start dating again.

Some of the staff who work in creches/nurseries often are willing to do a couple of hours babysitting, so you could enquire if you have one locally. Baby and Toddler groups - just keep turning up there even if you don't click with anyone straightaway it takes time. You can even get involved by volunteering to help set up etc. You will meet all ages of Mums there. And make valuable contacts.
Colleges can be very supportive of one parent families trying to get into education. Some have child-minding support available too or funds you can apply for. Students are all ages nowadays so it's not like you need to be a certain age to be a student or it passes you by, that's just not the reality of it.
It will happen for you, you will get your life back. This is just a tunnel you are in when your child is very young but it will all come good. When the baby is aged 3/4 they'll be in nursery or school a chunk of the day.

The first two years are the hardest but at 20, with a gorgeous little one who adores you and your whole life ahead of you I'd take a moment to simply count your blessings for what you have got rather than what you haven't..
You're young, healthy, intelligent, reflective, thoughtful, decisive and about to go to uni. You have a baby whom you love and time is very much on your side given how young you are.
And how smart you are.
Don't self-sabotage with getting into any more toxic relationships, You deserve better than that as does your child.You have so much to be thankful for OP there are far more positives than negatives in your life...ok, its not perfect but whose life is?

Sorry things are tough at the moment.

Dating isn’t a good idea until you’ve worked out how to avoid abusive men.

As PPs say, focus on making frinds accessing any local services.

Depending on supply of and demand for CMs in your area they may well do a small number of ad hoc sessions. leisure centres sometimes have low cost creches if you like exercise.

Thank you so much, I do agree that it possibly isn’t best to jump into another abusive relationship, I like to think I wouldn’t but then again it has happened before unexpectedly!

I think it’s more the thought of knowing I have no freedom, I don’t particularly want a relationship right now I would just like to go out and still meet with people, and also don’t want to go too long that I lose confidence in meeting guys.

I will check out the freedom programme, and I am hoping to attend baby groups once I move into a new area however much I don’t think I will enjoy them!!

But you do have freedom! The freedom to choose happiness over unhappiness, the freedom to bring up your child to be a strong, independent, socially adept individual. You have the freedom to go to university, to make a happy life and a successful future for yourself.
What you are 'missing', is understandable: the freedom to go out, have fun, do the things that most twenty year olds do of a weekend. Channel those energies into something else, for yourself. - that Freedom Programme online might be a good place to begin.