Relationship changing after second child

[elmo1980]

Dp and I have been together 4 years, 2 dc (18mths and 8wks).

Have always fancied the pants off each other and have a very healthy, happy relationship.

During my first pregnancy we continued to be intimate on a regular basis and, after a few weeks after birth, things resumed the same as before.

Then 7 months later I became pregnant again and whilst we didn't expect it to happen quite so quickly we were both very happy.

However, instead of things carrying on as normal after about 4 months he started turning me down and that he was worried about hurting me and was happy not to do anything until after the birth. I was a bit shocked and said I thought that was a long time but understood (although I didn't) and left it at that.

Our second dc is now 8 weeks old and over the last few weeks I have made it clear that I am ready to be intimate again and he says he is too but nothing has happened.

Whilst he says he still fancies me and that hes 'desperate' to get back to normal there has been no action to follow this up. I admit I haven't made any moves on him other than to make flirty jokes to him which he used to respond to, but I'm not feeling overly attractive and don't want to make him feel like he has to do something he doesn't want to.

I've gone on the pill so I don't think he's worried about me getting pregnant again.

It doesn't help that we have been in separate bedrooms for months because I suffered from horrendous snoring in pregnancy and I've got dc2 in our room still and he vapes.

Do you think I'm being unrealistic to think things can get back to normal so quickly again, it seemed so easy after our first child but I'm worried we are going to start struggling if we don't address things soon.

Sorry this is so long!

How old are you?
Meeting, moving in, marrying(?) and having two babies in 4 years is intense stuff

I think your instincts are telling you something is off and you should listen to that.

I'm 38 he's 44 so we didnt want to hang around too long.

Eh.. You have two infants. You're exhausted. Give it time. Things will improve.

my Ds2 is 9 months and I found having the second child sooo hard. it's so much more of an ask for baby sitting, breastfeeding too so limited on length of time I can be away and cosleeping so separate beds...only recently starting to get our mojo back (although no where near as.often as we would like!) and not feeling so tired. I honestly think unless.you have genuinely worries that there's something else causing it it's just a matter of time for you both to get back to being yourselves xx

Ah lovely, I'm sorry you're feeling uncertain about whether he desires intimacy with you. Sometimes a man can be trying to do the right thing in the bedroom and without talking about it it's actually the wrong thing. My husband avoided me for months with last pregnancy and I was certain he'd gone off me - actually he was worried about something going wrong as he knew how much of a blessing our pregnancy was. And after - tried to not seem pushy as knew I was recovering and tired. Again, I felt undesired! It took honest talk (and some intimacy!) to realise he was still very happy with me as his woman. We don't do it anything like enough but shift work and children and life get in way - I'm not as nervous it's me anymore. Try talking, and good luck.

My advice is to keep talking about how you feel. Talk about how crazy life is with 2 very young children. Talk about how you can't wait until your sex life is back on track. Use each other as sounding boards for your frustrations and worries. Tell each other how much you love each other even when things seem so exhausting.

I promise you that this too shall pass, and constant, honest communication is the key.

Thanks for the reassuring words.

Every other aspect of the relationship is good so maybe I am expecting too much too soon and acting a little paranoid.

He certainly seems happy with us as we are for now and it's true we both are exhausted. Will leave it a bit then maybe talk to him again if nothing changes.