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Original poster

Is this ghosting? Is it over? Please help with OLD

27 replies

AnaViaSalamanca · 12/07/2018 20:03

This is a bit long. I apologize. My DP and I are helping a friend navigate OLD. I understand there are a few people experienced in it, so hoping to shed some light on the situation which is driving her mad:

She met someone online and they clicked instantly, long texts every day, and two dates. He texted her after each asking to see her again. After the second date however his text was that he was extremely busy before his summer holiday but would love to see her. She said she would love to, also, and hopes they can meet. Then he vanished for a few days without trace. My friend then (on my DP's advice) texted him a quick hello and haven;t heard from you etc. He responded that he was extremely busy and very sorry and now about to go for his month-long holiday, and would love to see her when he is back. The exchanged some messages and photos in the next couple of days. She sent the last one asking him some questions. He again vanished after that even though he had read the text and was also online on OLD. Again my DP told her to just send a text and say hi, nothing demanding, but just how are you etc. She did that, and got no response. She is really upset since he had a crush on this guy (they haven't even kissed).

So DP and I differ in this. I am thinking she should write him off and block him to help her move on because nobody is that busy and that the texting has really become infrequent, and if he was interested he would have kept in touch on his holiday. Not responding to texts is quite rude.

DP says the man has said many times he wanted to see her again, he is on holiday relaxing and doing things and should not be expected to be attached to his phone or keep in touch with someone he barely knows. That she should wait until he comes back and go out with him if he gets in touch.

What do you think?

OP posts:
isseywithcats · 12/07/2018 20:10

by keep texting him knowing he was going on holiday makes her seem a bit needy after two dates, i dont even take my phone with me i am on holiday i dont want to know whats going on at home, if i was her i would wait till he comes home from his holiday and see if he contacts her, if he dosent then she will know to write him off,

TiltedTowers · 12/07/2018 20:15

I think men do this SPACING between dates as a way of communicating without words that they like you enough to spend time with you but not enough to commit to you and be in a relationship with you.

OLD full of this form of communication.

butlerswharf · 12/07/2018 20:17

Sounds like he's seeing someone else and keeping her on the back burner. She shouldn't text him again.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 12/07/2018 20:19

I don't know if it's ghosting (too old, too married) but the fact he's been active on OLD while incommunicado is a bit of a giveaway.
I might be old fashioned but I think if he really liked her, he'd be in contact from his holiday. If she can see he's been online he clearly has the means to contact her while away. I'd say he's just not that into her.

CaveDivingbelle · 12/07/2018 20:23

My experience of OLD is that people talk to loads of folk,edging their bets and not narrowing it down..id say hes seeing what else is out there and if nothing better comes along, (in his eyes)then he'll zombie ( ie come back to life suddenly) back in touch in the future.Ive had loads of these. Nothing for ages then a message out of the blue..Angry

Original poster
AnaViaSalamanca · 12/07/2018 21:01

thanks for your responses. OLD seems to be a minefield. So best course of action is to give up hope on the guy I gather? As he has probably got other options and she is not his first choice?

OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 12/07/2018 21:05

I'd tell her to get on with her life and, if he does reappear, then fair enough but not to hold her breath.

Plenty of guys can't be honest and break off a fledgling relationship so say they want to see you again but then stop communicating as often and start to fade away as an alternative course of action.

If you really like someone that much, you'd find 30 seconds in a day to send a text.

Yankeescot · 12/07/2018 21:16

I also echo tell her to get on with her life. Online dating is indeed a minefield and what she's experiencing is very common.

Sounds as if he's seeing what all is out there and then thinking he can just take his pick of whoever sticks around long enough to do the pick me dance. Like a kid in a sweet shop, a lot of these blokes think they've got the pick of whoever they want, Yuck.

If he gets in touch later on, fair dues. She can make that decision later on if she's still interested. However, remind her that she wasn't first choice as she can clearly see him still on the dating site logged in.

NoMoreCricketDartsOrFootball · 12/07/2018 21:29

The best thing to do when OLD is not to pin your hopes on anyone after a date or two. And not to take it personally if a bloke stops communicating. It happens all the time - a lassaiz faire attitude is the best one to have.

Who knows what anyone’s life is really like or what is going through anyone else’s head. They probably don’t even know that themselves.

I’m a bit of a cynic when it comes to OLD and now just look at it as an opportunity to meet new people, come what may.

TiltedTowers · 12/07/2018 21:35

Yeh, I've done it for 3 - 4 years (on and off) and nothing ever leads anywhere. Any time they're open for a second date, I"m not, if I want a second date, they don't! Endless merrygoround of nowhereness. But if it's sunny and you want to go out just for the sake of going out, it's ok.

User1011 · 13/07/2018 05:12

He probably saw a message from you and wanted to read it, then saw it was questions and decided to answer when he had more time and forgot.
I do it all the time with messages from friends, I read the message because I’m nosey then think I’ll reply later and forget.

Where’s he gone for a month?

387I2 · 13/07/2018 05:25

He's probably married and now the couple are away on their holiday. Alternatively, he could for example be a scuba diver, diving every day at some very remote spot, where there is no Internet. I tend to agree with your DP, "That she should wait until he comes back and go out with him if he gets in touch." Annoying for your friend that he suddenly went off the radar so to speak, but there is nothing to be done about it but to stay put.

MariePoppins1 · 13/07/2018 08:15

Yeah she needs to back off. She shouldn't contact him again, he knows she's interested and will contact her if he likes her. I'd have said he may be telling the truth but if he's actively back on OLD then he's probably not, or maybe he just wants time to go on holiday and think things through.

BloodyDisgrace · 13/07/2018 09:13

I agree with OP on this one. It's a lost case.

What DP doesn't dig here is that men will get you even from underground if they really want to. Actions speak of priority, and looks like this friend just isn't a priority to that man. Note, she's the first to text, not him.

ohdearmissus · 13/07/2018 10:00

to answer your question Ana....I agree with you not your husband. HTH

TheLastNigel · 13/07/2018 12:41

If a man (or woman) likes someone, they'll call (or message). It's that simple I think...
You are right op.

mummyretired · 13/07/2018 13:30

She's seen him twice, and he's told her he would like to see her when he gets back from his holiday. He let her down over arranging a date before he went, but he is very busy so this might have been unavoidable. It's too early for them to be exclusive so best to just leave it, be open to meeting other men - presumably that's why she's still on OLD - and see what happens on his return. Light-hearted message then perhaps.

Too many texts looks needy and always has me running for the hills (I'm female but don't believe men are that different).

midnightmisssuki · 13/07/2018 13:49

Too needy. Ask her to calm it down and date other people. If he wants - he will get in touch. Dont text him anymore.

Original poster
AnaViaSalamanca · 13/07/2018 16:02

Thanks everyone for responses. I have read all back to her. Quite a mix.

Re questions: month long holiday to see his mum and siblings in NZ (he is half kiwi but grew up in UK, and she is french) although he had been not quite transparent about what he was going for. Last message he sent was a few photos of his mum's cat and asking her how she was doing, my friend asked questions about the cat a couple of hours after he sent it, and then he vanished. A week later she just asked him how he was doing. I don't think it was overly needy, but asked her not to text him again and just date other people and see how things pan out. She seems calmer. Thanks!

OP posts:
Mousefunky · 13/07/2018 16:07

He’s seeing someone else or is maybe even married. I would be suspicious of him tbh and would ditch him.

NC4Now · 13/07/2018 16:16

I think it’s important for her to hold her dignity here. If he’s interested and he wants to see her, he’ll be in touch.
And if that happens he needs to treat her kindly, not keep her dangling.
In her shoes I’d leave it, for the sake of my self esteem.

Original poster
AnaViaSalamanca · 13/07/2018 16:39

TO be honest my big fear is that he does come back and gives her some BS excuse that he had been busy and then string her along for some time and leave her heartbroken since she is already into him. That's why I suggested blocking him. She disagrees and wants to see it through. Oh well....

OP posts:
Backtoblack1 · 13/07/2018 16:50

If he’s got time to be online on a dating site then he’s got time to msg her. Speaking from experience and this is one of the reasons I won’t go OLD ever again. I think she should forgot about it. X

onanothertrain · 13/07/2018 16:54

It's been two dates, they haven't even kissed. It seems like it's always him saying he wants to see her again and initiating dates, maybe he got fed up. I'm not sure there is a relationship though and why would he need to be transparent about why he is going to NZ? Your friend seems very needy.

ChristmasFluff · 13/07/2018 18:58

Two dates?????

Just not that into her, and cannot believe she's wasting so much time second-guessing.

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