Sudden attack of guilt is causing me suicidal thoughts.

[Babiesarelife]

I’ll say don’t judge, but that’s what your here to do and I don’t blame you if you believe I’m an awful person. Met my current partner June ‘14, we were both 22, seeing eachother, dating etc, he was slightly caught up with his ex, but we weren’t serious so I didn’t say much. July he was meant to spend the night but spent it elsewhere. Being paranoid I thought he spent it with a women. A couple of weeks after this we spoke about being an item but didn’t make anything official. September I went out for a friends birthday, slept with someone else. Ran away, felt terrible, realised I really liked current partner. Became official end of October. Put the incident behind me and never looked back. We live together have a gorgeous baby together, engaged to be married and now I have just got this stcuk in my head that I’m a terrible person and I really should tell him I feel awful day in day out, I struggle with PnD and anxiety and it’s literally ruining my day to day life thinking about it. Please help.

I don't think there is any point telling him now. You weren't official and it's been 4 years, what would it achieve?

not going to shoot you down in flames we have all done something we regret and you and your Oh wernt official at that point, be kind to yourself and try to forget it ever happened

I’d say you need to give yourself a break and not say anything

You weren't exclusive at that point. You have nothing to feel guilty over. It's the PnD talking and making you obsess over it all. I'd see your GP or speak to your HV as there's treatment out there.
You'll get no judgement from me on this.

This is the anxiety talking.! There was an opportunity to become official in the July but I'm presuming he held back. You WEREN'T official so you did nothing wrong. The whole point of not being official is that people are free to see and sleep with other people. It sounds like you sleep with the other guy out of insecurities about where this relationship was going, and to be honest it wasn't actually going anywhere at the time. It took five months to become official. What were you supposed to do, hang round like a good girl until he decided he was over his ex and ready to commit?
Are you getting help with PND and anxiety? Circular negative self berating thoughts are what anxiety are all about. And unfortunately our own brains are excellent at finding that one thing it knows will make us feel like shite. You've gotten onto a loop and have to find a way to break it. How do you think he'll react if you told him? My dh and I weren't official for a long time and if I told him I'd slept with someone during that time he'd react with a "So, why are you telling me? None of my business.".

We kind of were an item but not officially if that even makes sense we were both young and I think both still enjoying going out with our friends a lot but we weren’t serious enough to put a label on it. Since we have been together it’s honestly been perfect obviously everyone has arguments and stuff but never ever serious ones! Unfortunately I suffer in silence with this because I felt like that’s the cause of my anxiety, I know it’s pointless to tell because nothing have ever happened since then and it’s just so strange it’s came at me now, it’s an awful feeling to have and can really affect day to day life it’s auch a rut to be stuck in.

I 'cheated' on my (now) dh. We'd been sort of together for a week or so, we weren 't saying we were together, nithing was officia l, and I slept with my ex. Told dh three months after it happened, when I was three months pregnant, because I felt absolutely fucking awful.
Telling him made me feel a lot better, and luckily he didn't actually consider it cheatin g - we weren't officially together. I still feel guilty now however, at how much I hurt him. Also feel paranoid that he'll do/or has done the same.

So if you want to tell your partner, if it's destroying you this badly, tell him, but be prepared for it to end badly. And you may still feel guilty afterwards. I feel for you in this situation.
You're human, shit happens, and you've learnt from it, right?

Absolutely I’ve learned from it, couldn’t do something like that in the relationship we’re in now wouldn’t want to and wouldn’t dream to, I didn’t know then that I would want to spend the rest of my life with him.

This is definitely the pnd and anxiety talking! You're ok, everything is fine and this was years ago. I've got a whole group of friends who met at uni /early 20s stuff wasn't official.... People shagged someone else for a bit/as a one off etc now are married for 10 years with 3 kids that sort of thing. There's loads of stupid stuff i did in my youth i mega judge myself for now but non it is of any consequence now, been with my husband 10 years and have children very happy. Please don't let the past ruin who you are now xxx

It’s so hard, as I just keep thinking of the time we spent together before I done this, and to be honest it was basically perfect, and it’s a perfect love story and I feel so bloody guilty when I think of the first few months as I’m not sure he slept with anyone else I just assumed he did! Don’t ask me why I keep thinking about it almost 4 years later, I wish I knew myself and I wish I could go back in time 😩 surely everyone makes mistakes ? 😩

Don't get married until you have resolved this in your head. Worst thing is marry and then tell him as it could be one unholy mess

What is your opinion? Would you advise to confess?

When I had PND I struggled with anxiety and had terrible thoughts going round and round my head. If this is something you’ve reconciled in your mind previously then it’s likely to be your current mental health that’s the problem, not what happened 4 years ago. If it’s affecting your life please speak to your GP (or whoever is treating your PND).

No, there’s nothing to confess to.

It’s definitely the PND making you lose perspective on this.

It’s a non-issue. None of his business.

All that matters is today, forget the past.

I wouldn’t advise you to confess or not confess. I don’t know what’s the right thing for you to do for you and your family. But I suggest you make the decision when your mental health is stronger.

I did similar. I was seeing both my now fiancé and my ex at the same time and sleeping with them both.

He did know about it but now seven years later he romanticises a specific occasion as when we ‘officially’ got together. I always say no, we weren’t official then because i blimming well know I slept with my ex a few days after that and it stresses me out! We became official a few weeks later!

It used to really stress me out and when I was pregnant with DC1 and after, I did give serious consideration to telling him. All these years later I don’t think about it so much anymore. I know i didn’t do anything wrong and was always upfront with him but I totally understand the guilt.

This happened to me. I had severe anxiety and when my brain started to feel anxious it would run through past events until it focused on something that would make me feel awful. Mine was also sleeping with someone in the early days of my relationship which made me feel suicidal. I spoke to husband (we had married before the anxiety started) and we discussed it, he forgave me and I felt immediately better, like a weight had been lifted. However, the next time my brain started to make me feel anxious, it would focus on something else I could regret/feel guilty about. I started CBT to help with the anxiety and feel much better now and hardly ever have that panicky/guilt feeling as a result.

What is your other half like, how is your relationship? I would advocate telling him if you trust him, love each other and he is reasonable and mature. Taking the power away from the negative thoughts by talking about it is the best way.

So I’m going to go a different tack and say this is more about your emotions than the relationship stuff...

If this is giving you suicidal thoughts it’s possibly an emotional flashback - so not actually this thing in the present (or 4 yrs ago!) causing you to worry, but the emotion of it is triggering some fear from when you had that emotion in the past. And if it’s sparking suicidal thoughts it could be that emotion is from a young age (under 5) when scary stuff meant parental rejection and that sparks a fear of not having their protection i.e. death.

Shame is something you can get as a child when you’ve been told off for something and you haven’t then shown you some love/acceptance afterwards, so you feel like you’re “a terrible person” rather than just telling thing you did being bad. You’re not a terrible person, you just did something that wasn’t great.

This may have all popped up now because something has triggered it, likely something outside your consciousness - could be anything! An expression in someone’s face, a smell etc.

I don’t think there’s going to be any benefit in telling your fiancé unless you can be sure of his acceptance. Yes, everyone makes mistakes, and the question in my mind is why are you being so hard on yourself? It might be more about being brave and sitting with the emotions you’re feeling and digging down to see if there’s something else that this is all about for you, perhaps some pressure you’re putting on yourself or that others have put on you to be perfect? Maybe that underlying thing is one of the causes of your general anxiety? Maybe write out every single thought you have about this and see if anything crops up that could explain it. Though when you allow yourself to fully feel it all you may find the emotions pass anyway and you can forgive yourself and let it go. If you’ve got ongoing anxiety this will take some practice.

Our relationship is amazing, I have a 7 year old from my relationship with my childhood seeetheart and he adores he as our baby, when we first met he had no job, now he’s worked so hard he has a fantastic job which allows me to only work part time, ALTHOUGH if I fetch this up I feel like he will wonder why I’m fetching it up after all this time, if I have anything else to hide etc etc, and I haven’t, and the worst part of it all is that I’m suffering with anxiety in silence, I’m the support of a very close friend with severe PND and anxiety, and I just don’t think I can take the step to get help.

A lot of odd things happened in my childhood but doesn’t everyone go through something when they’re young? My mum and dad had an awful split up where they would fight, he once drove up the road with her hanging out the car, the police used to take us to a safe place whenever these things happened. Then I had a controlling step father who recorded all voicemails from my dad to my mum which were vile my dad saying things like he’s shagged alsorts before my mum bla bla and he locked me in my room and made me listen to it through my CD player. And a few other odd things I won’t get into but I don’t get how that could affect my behaviour now. Hopefully I’ll get over it like I had before.

Yes you do have the strength sweetheart. Imagine how much easier and more enjoyable your relationship will be if what's going on in your head is calmed? Make an appointment with the GP, ask about counselling but also consider medication. You won't recognise yourself if a few months and you can live the life you and your family deserve.

Yes a lot of people go through things when they’re young, but it doesn’t mean it’s normal (what’s ‘normal’ anyway?!) or that they don’t have an effect on you. Sounds like you have some things there that you’d benefit from looking at, uncomfortable though it is. It must have been scary and uncertain to live with those things going on - I imagine you felt like your parents didn’t have a firm hand on the right things eg being present for you, while they were fighting about other things? No wonder you have an underlying sense of anxiety. Those feelings can linger into adulthood.

An awful lot of people just push all this stuff down and don’t deal with it. Or medicate themselves, which might help some, or can give you strength temporarily while you begin to learn look at what you’re feeling, or medication can just push things down meaning they can come up again in future. If you face these feelings it is hard temporarily but it brings you such lightness and freedom in the longer term. Imagine what it would be like to live without the weight of guilt and anxiety.