Why is my mum so critical of her grandchildren?

[marmaladecats]

My mum is blessed with 12 happy and healthy grandchildren but she’s critical – bordering on vicious – of about 8 of them. The one who gets it worse is my 6 year old nephew; according to my mum he’s not clever, babyish, too naughty, won’t walk anywhere, won’t talk clearly/properly. She won’t say anything like this to my siblings [or their partners faces] but if we are talking about my nephews and nieces the criticism starts. It’s been like this for years, she strongly dislikes one of my nieces as she’s ‘spoilt’, ‘rude’ etc. She doesn’t have much of a relationship with one group of nieces/nephews as they find her strict and not much fun. In some ways she struggles to relate to small children.

I have the youngest [pre-schooler and babies] of the grandchildren group, one of mine is very bright so she’s warmed to them but as they only see my parents a few times a year, due to distance, there isn’t a strong relationship. She can’t criticise him in the same way as the others as he’s generally pretty well-behaved, eats well, talks clearly, is engaged and articulate. But the last two visits have been a bit stressful as he wouldn’t go anywhere near her for some reason [was much warmer last year], doesn’t really want to have stories/play games and sometimes won’t answer questions just turns his face away. I explain to her he’s just being silly and is still very little and no doubt his mood will change next time and perhaps he’ll be more cuddly. Over the last two visits I’ve been getting more comments about her sadness over how he won’t relate. Also a long letter that she worries he doesn’t show affection (he does to us) etc etc. He’s always been a bit of a mummy/daddy’s boy and even when still a baby really –at 18 months when he wouldn’t go for a cuddle – I’d get these sad comments eg ‘it’s ok, he doesn’t have to love me.’ A bit pathetic.

I guess I’m struggling to know what to do/say beyond ‘he’s 3, he’s just being silly’. It makes me stressed every visit and like I have to hover over him to encourage him to answer questions, engage a bit etc. She is definitely not one to just accept kids for how they are at that moment in their development, is not very accepting in general of any silly behaviour or monetary lapse in table manners.

She’s not critical of me or my siblings as far as I know [unless she is saying it in private to others], it just seems to be the grandchildren. Perhaps it’s a generational thing? She was brought up very strictly, a bit ‘seen and not heard’ generation so might be struggling with the reality of noisy and naughty children.

Sorry, it’s a bit long. Anyone come across anything like this? I should say that she does think a lot about her grandchildren and does great stockings, buys little presents sometimes etc but it’s as though she thinks that’s enough to make a good relationship and can’t go further. As a result she gets very critical perhaps due to the hurt she feels that they are not closer to her.

You say she criticises your nephews and nieces to you but not your children. You can bet your bottom dollar that she is criticising your children to their parents.

I think that tolerance levels of adults who no longer are in regular or constant contact with young people diminish as they get older and they truly do just forget what kids are like.

Try not to take it personally and laugh it off. Perhaps if she says something negative about one of nieces/nephews point out a positive like "but she is so good at swimming" or "he is great at music" or even but "they are such a sweetheart". Maybe it will stop her in her tracks.

My mum is very similar but her critical analysis extends to my SILs as well as her grandchildren, she also favours one set over the other which is difficult for all concerned. Out of interest does your DM work or retired?
It's hard as when I've picked up on it in the past she'll get very defensive and have had histrionics (crying and going upstairs, ignoring me etc).
The fact that she went to the extent of writing you a letter is telling and a bit extreme if im honest, he's three!! With my DM she's always been critical of others and their standards, the best way for sanity sake is to reply with non committal phrases 'that's interesting' etc. Don't engage her further and honestly you can't change her now so best to develop ways of coping with her!

She sounds unpleasant, I’m not surprised your son keeps away from her.

My dad is a bit like this with kids unless they're behaving perfectly, but he also compliments all of them on their good points. My mum is relaxed and knows what kids are like. (My dad also has false memories of how we behaved as kids lol, but my mum remembers it better)

If your child will not engage with her it is her fault, it's not your job to build that relationship. Treat it as her problem, not your child's. In reply to her letter I would compile a list of small ways to build a relationship with your grandchild.
Of course she is slagging off your children too.

She was brought up very strictly, a bit ‘seen and not heard’ generation so might be struggling with the reality of noisy and naughty children.

Now you've said this, it is more understandable. I have known a few people like this and they struggle with how different children are now versus what acceptable behaviour was when they were younger. They see the children's behaviour as spoilt and rude as they would never have been allowed to get away with some of that behaviour themselves.

It’s really simple - when someone is warm and loving then they accept children for who they are.

If, as you describe, your DM is critical and childish over the behaviour of a 3 year old, then you have to see it as her problem. Not yours or your son’s.

I have a judgemental family member and I used to give it a lot of stressful energy. Now I have very low expectations of their visits and let any comments wash over me.

Your child has good instincts.

I agree with the poster who suggested she badmouths your kids behind your back to the others.

Oh no doubt re the badmouthing. I think part of it might be disappointment she can't build stronger relationships with them (she wants to see herself as a loving and devoted grandmother) but doesn't quite know how to get there. As she doesn't see them so frequently...and when she does everything is on her terms eg come and sit on my knee and I'll sing you a song to the 3 year old when he's just got in from a long day at nursery. Then disappointment and hurt when he says no.

I know I need to let it wash over me and regard it as her problem I guess it's just a bit...strange as she's so lucky to have all these lovely grandchildren and she can't seem to accept them as they are. It'd be wonderful to have a parent who thinks your kids are the bloody bee's knees!

I think your 3yo senses that she is not a warm loving grandmother and acts accordingly. You can either tell your DM straight that her manner towards her GC is inappropriate and unkind (which would make your relationship with her implode) or you can keep making excuses.

I would imagine that at some point, you will have no choice but to challenge her attitudes - as your DC get older and develop their own personalities, you are going to have to choose them over her.

In my experience, the GP only sees the role from their point of view. So the GC are just dolls really in a scene the GP has in their head of what it should be like. So if the GC diesn’t reflect back to the GP how great they are then the GP thinks it’s something wrong in the child hence the criticism.

I don’t think it can be changed as it would be too confronting to the GPs view of themselves.

I know someone a bit like this. Like your mother, I think it stems from disappointment from not having the relationship she would like with the children. Does any of this seem familiar:

• Prefers babies and very young children, holds rather negative views about children growing up and becoming independent (lots of warnings about how they'll grow away from you, best years are coming to an end soon, etc)

• Cannot seem to interact properly with children over the age of 3 and is generally overbearing; does not respect their personal space, uses a 'baby voice' with them/patronises them, will take things from their hands and 'help' them without invitation etc. All, I should add, done with genuine love!

• Does not have brilliant relationships with her adult children. Speaks fondly of their younger years, but rues how 'wilful' they became as they grew up.

I have no advice, btw, if this does happen to ring a bell, but plenty of sympathy!

and when she does everything is on her terms eg come and sit on my knee and I'll sing you a song to the 3 year old when he's just got in from a long day at nursery. Then disappointment and hurt when he says no.

When I was a child you wouldn't be allowed to say no, that would have been seen as rude / naughty. If a grandparent asked you to come over and sit with them, you did. You did what you were told and respected your elders. Sounds like the type of behaviour your mum is used to and she cannot adjust to a child being allowed to say no.

Your child sounds like an excellent judge of character.