Relationship difficulties: should I keep the baby?

[alibalibee1]

Hi all,

Desperate for some advice please. I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend for approximately 3 years (he’s 34, I’m 33). We’ve had a lot of ups and downs during that time, split up a couple of times but can never seem to let each other go completely. He originally moved in with me but for the past year and a half he’s been living at his mums whilst we take our time. Over the past year we’ve been a lot better and more settled and we’ve both felt like he’d probably move back in soon. I realised that we never had nice future-thinking conversations and so brought up the topic of the future and what that could hold for us. It became apparent that he doesn’t believe in marriage though he’s always known this is something I really want. We ended up in a bit of a stalemate situation and for the past two months we’ve slowly went downhill, as I start to pull away from him – he doesn’t give me any confidence he sees a long term future with me and he’s terrible with his words and communication so can never give me the reassurance I need. He’s always wanted to be a dad, but refers to this somewhat singularly – i.e. not that he wants a family with me, just he wants to be a dad. I come from a great upbringing and my parents are brilliant together – I certainly want to give that family security to my children one day. We are going on holiday next week so we seemed to had got to an unspoken agreement that we’d go and enjoy the holiday but it was likely we would split up after coming back as we want different things.

Anyway, yes you guessed it a couple of days ago I found out I’m 4 weeks pregnant, which was totally unplanned. He’s been great, very supportive and seems to have stepped up and made more of an effort with me and us. It’s becoming apparent that he wants to keep the baby whereas I’m a lot more hesitant as I have no long term security in us and he’s basically told me he can’t give me what I want. I feel like he wants the baby more than he actually wants me, and the way he’s talking is with little confidence in us working out long term.. but he’s ‘willing to give it a go’. It doesn’t feel right having a baby in an insecure situation – it’s not fair on the child.

I’ve also just accepted a new senior job in a new organisation which I’ll be 3 months gone when I start the new role – what a terrible way to start a new job! I’d be so embarrassed and nervous telling my new manager.

I feel really down and am struggling to make a decision. In one hand, I’d love to have a family but I’m gutted the way this has happened – right at a time when the relationship was just about to end. I’ve convinced myself that in itself is a really bad sign and therefore we wouldn’t be fair keeping the baby if we aren’t confident we can give it the security and brilliant upbringing it deserves. I’m petrified I’d end up being a single mother and also worried about the impact this could have on my career. I’m also worried that this could be my only opportunity at having the family life I want.. I’m not getting any younger. I also sometimes think that having a baby together is just what we needed, it could bring us closer, make him mature and (despite not getting married) be the security I need.

I appreciate no one can tell me what the right thing is to do, but I’d appreciate hearing anyone’s thoughts!

Thank you so much!

You are presumably looking at being a single mother with a supportive non-resident father, or terminating the pregnancy.
You need to break off the relationship because it isn't going anywhere. There will almost certainly be no happy families.
The decision to have the baby or not have it is yours and yours alone.

Personally I would keep the baby since you know you want kids and your dp does too. You may not stay together though and having a baby together won't change the fact that it's not working.

The work situation isn't ideal but to have a great job to go back to after maternity leave - that is so important.

You have to consider that even as a couple this isn't working, putting a baby in a relationship is like a bomb going off. It rocks the most solid of relationships.

Also there is no guarantee that this is just 1 baby, it could be twins and any baby or child could have additional needs which may hamper working.

These are all things to consider too.

I have the upmost respect for single parents as although I have a loving and supportive husband for a short time he worked away Mon-Fri so I did everything and Ds1 was 14 months old and my god was it hard and I only worked part time in a very easy job. I had an amazing group of friends without which I would have gone crazy.

Looking at this, you are not living together, you were considering splitting up anyway, when you are together it is a volatile relationship, there is no promise of marriage which is what you want and you fear of being a single parent.

You need to talk through your options with a pregnancy advisory unit.

OP - he is getting everything he wants from this.
Being a Dad on his terms and when it suits him.
Whereas - YOU are getting none of you want/need.
You want a family and to have a planned baby, and two parents commited to each other.

He isn’t that. And you know it.
Unless you want to be a single mother - i’d not keep that baby.

You’ll meet someone who actually wants to be with you. But you need to leave this time waster.
The worst for me in this all is that he KNEW you wanted something he didnt want, and he still strung you along.

I would assume you will be a single mother with little support from the father then decide whether that's what you want. Don't decide based on him being there, decide based on him not which sounds much more likely. Good luck!

Whatever you decide needs to be on the basis of being a single parent. And dont assume he will be helpful. He may not be.
I would terminate, but what any of us would do isnt that relevant, and its really difficult to actually put myself in your position as I dont want DC so am biased.

I have two friends who are a couple. The bloke is open about the fact he wants kids. But also open that he doesnt see them in the future whilst with my friend. She cant figure out what this means. I have no doubt he will leave her when a "better offer" arrives. Or he will stay with her and not have kids, as he actively doesnt want them with her. If an "accident" were to happen I give it 6 months before they break up because of the added stress. I would sadly assume your partner was/is waiting for the same thing.

You need think long and hard about it OP.
If I understand it correctly, you want to settle down and have a family -
Mr & Mrs Surname, 2 kids sort of thing.
This is not going to happen with this chap.
Having the baby will make you a single parent just as your career is taking off. You may or may not get support from the father. I think you'll probably get a little but not much.
Being a single parent or trying to blend families are not easy options.(sorry for pointing out the obvious).
I don't think it's the right time for you to have an unplanned baby.

I'm really sorry, but I wouldn't have a baby with someone like this. I'd see a doctor asap and I'd dump him. You deserve much better than him and I think you'd regret having him in your life.

Don't think you are too old to meet someone else and have a family. I met my partner at 35 and we have two lovely kids. You know if you have this baby you will be a single parent, he has made that clear.
Do what you think is right for you.

Wow, thank you all SO much - all your replies have been incredibly helpful, I really do appreciate you all taking time out your day to respond to me.

We are going on holiday together on Sunday for 2 weeks (there goes the all inclusive booze!) so I'm hoping that time away gives us a chance to clear our heads and sensibly talk things through. But yes, I'm currently of the same feeling - if he can't give me what I want, I can't keep the baby - I'd end up resenting him in the long run for not wanting to give me that... at the end of the day if I can't get myself to be 100% confident we would be able to provide the baby with an amazing, secure happy family life, we cant keep it - if we did, we would be being incredibly selfish.

Thank you all again!

If I were you, I'd terminate the pregnancy. Being with a wrong man is bad enough, having a child with him is tenfold harder.

Think of it as "not now, not with him". You will have chances to have a family, children, love and support, so don't despair. This man is not the last on the Earth.

No way would I continue with the pregnancy, this will impact on you and your career significantly in every regard for years, but him? Not so much. It would be foolhardy to expect him to step up, he has proved consistently he is not a reliable partner and as pp said, adding a baby to a relationship is like a bomb going off. Even in a rock solid relationship it can take years to adjust, but with this guy you don't even have that, he has even told you he cannot give you what you want.
Personally I would let him have a say but I would treat this holiday as closure to your relationship and end it.

This baby is no sticking plaster. And it’s a very dangerous way of thinking.

Babies cause chaos in the most steady of relationships never mind ones that are already on the rocks

This relationship is right for neither of you.

I don't understand why exactly going away with him will help clear your head. You can talk this over until you're blue in the face, you already know where you stand with him-maybe you just don't want to see it & I get that, you want him to be the one-he isn't though unfortunately.
In your position I wouldn't keep the baby, it's not the right time & it's certainly not the right man.

I don't think anyone can tell you whether to keep the baby or not, that has to be up to you. It sounds like you have a good idea about what you're going to do though.

If you have decided to terminate the pregnancy, I don't see why you cannot take advantage of the all inclusive alcohol though.
I don't drink, but imagine it would take the edge off of this holiday, which seems odd to go together when you know it's pretty much over between you.

Enjoy the holiday!
Good luck with the new job.

Think about life as a single mother. If it wasn’t working before, then it sure as hell won’t once the baby comes along. You’ll be dealing with all the same relationship issues but x 1000 as you’ll also have a baby.

I think regardless of what your decision is re the baby, you need to end it with you bf.

I don't understand why exactly going away with him will help clear your head. You can talk this over until you're blue in the face, you already know where you stand with him-maybe you just don't want to see it & I get that, you want him to be the one-he isn't though unfortunately.

Likewise.

Two weeks with him on his best behaviour, in the least challenging environment imaginable, his tongue well lubricated with alcohol, and telling you whatever he thinks you want to hear to try to convince you to keep the baby he wants when he's already made it clear he only wants the baby, not you.

Let's face it, someone talking about wating to be a dad without being interested in the woman "providing" his child, is only interested in playing at being a Disney dad, not at being a parent. He wants to do the fun stuff without any of the hard stuff.

He'll spin you a fantasy, make empty promises, and you'll let yourself be taken in because it's what you desperately want to believe.

How is that going to help rather than set you up for even more heartache?

For what it's worth I think your instincts were spot on.

Babies never fix relationships, especially ones that were basically over. There is rather a lot of mental gymnastics going on here.

If you keep this baby, regardless of what he promises in his attempts to make you keep it, you will be a single parent. You've stated that's not what you want or need.

To clear your head you need space away from him without from him whispering in your ear, not to put yourself in an environment where he will be the only person in your ear.

I think you're looking for closure from someone who will never provide it. You need to provide your own closure by doing what's right for you and having confidence in your own instincts. It's perfectly acceptable to make the decision that's right for you without anybody else's his endorsement.

You need to dump him not go on holiday! Going on a stress free holiday is just going to confuse things. You aren't just going to be able to go and have a nice holiday for 2 weeks as a couple, come home and then amicably split up (with or without termination). Going on holiday sends a pretty stronf message to him that you want to give it a shot and have a child together.
By all meand have a child if thats what feels right after all due consideration, but the relationship is long overdue its end.

well said dirtybadger.

Same thoughts re the holiday - so two weeks of bliss, the perfect chance for him to tell you why you should keep the baby he wants. At worst, he'll completely fool you and you'll both make a commitment you cant keep. The potential for holiday rows - blimey, this could be an awful holiday!

I think it'd end up being very confusing - even the issue of drinking a cocktail is a decision you can't make until you've resolved this. Is it really something you can put aside to have a nice time.

PP are all right about being a single mum, how hard it can be etc. The one thing i always think gets overlooked and that drives me most mad about being a single mum...? No matter how much of a dick he is, have his baby and you are tied for him for LIFE. Even if you move on and get a new partner, he will always be in the background.

Grab a chance of a clean slate now. New job, eventually new partner, your own family.

A nuclear family isn't the be all and end all, children can still be happy and well adjusted in single parent families, blended families etc, so don't get too hung up on that just think very carefully about what you really want to do with this pregnancy. I agree about the holiday, it's not a great idea, the romance of it all could sway you to a decision you don't really want, although I suppose if he's an asshat during it it'll show you that there probably is no future.

Ultimately it's your body and it does seem like you would be doing the vast majority of the child raising so you need to go with what's best for you.

I would terminate, for the wise reasons previous posters have mentioned.
I would not go on the holiday, too weird and pointless and ultimately upsetting. In fact I would dump him today.
Look after yourself and your own best interests, we are finally at a place in time where some women can do that.
Congratulations on the new job and your new life!

I would terminate too. You are very early in and it just seems like it's the wrong time and the wrong person.

You need to try and work out what you want.

I think you need to consider worse case scenario. He wouldn’t be the first man to want a baby, but then have no interest once it’s arrived. So you need to assume you’d be single, with him having little to no interest, and possibly not even paying maintenance. Could you cope with that? Could you afford it? Is it what you want in any way?

Don’t let him sweet talk you into a situation you aren’t 100% comfortable with. He can say all the right things now, make all the promises under the sun, but ultimately, he CAN walk away and it’s you that will be left with all of the responsibility.