OH telling me to 'shut the f*&£ up'

[Hlucy]

Hi,

Been quite upset about an argument i had with my partner last night and don't feel I have anyone to talk to.
We have a bit of ongoing friction that i don't feel that he pulls his weight in the house. He works full time and i am a sahm which i obviously feel fortunate about. I do all the cleaning, tidying and cook all the meals and wash up. This is fine as I understand that I'm at home with our two year old (my older two are from a previous relationship). When he is home he generally just sits in front of the tv with the kids while I do everything. On a morning, he finally gets up in time to come down and have breakfast with everyone but never leaves enough time to help with anything else.
On an evening, on the odd occasion i go somewhere eg the gym, i come back to a tip - usually no washing up done and place a mess. It completely puts me off going anywhere as I still have to do it all when I get back.
On a Wednesday i go to a course and he stays at home to be with our two year old. I got back at half 2 and literally nothing had been done. There was all the washing up from the breakfast. The two year old had been napping for an hour and he had been lying on the sofa chilling out. I mentioned that i felt the place was in a mess and he said 'he'd done nothing wrong' and kind of shut down the conversation.
Later on, i tried to talk to him about it again and he told me that he 'couldn't be in the same room with me until i' shut the f%: up'. I was completely stunned by this and shocked. Today i still feel very upset. He often uses the words 'shut up' to me and my older girls. He says that there's nothing wrong with this but it makes me feel awful. I don't want to feel like a nag like he says i am but i just want him to do the basic stuff if I'm out the house. I've had this conversation with him over and over. Is it acceptable to tell me to 'shut the fu" up'?
Help!!!!

Hi can’t offer much but it’s disrespectful to talk to you like that and ITS NOT ON.
I wondering what his views towards women are and what he sees there role as. What is his parents marriage like.
He’s trying to put you in your place - the subservient little women “who puts up or shuts up”
I’m sorry to say this is who he is and unless he wants to change then I’d seriously consider if I wanted to remain with him.
I curious why you have no one to talk to.
He is able to work and he’s capable of sharing some of the domestic load - he’s choosing no too and giving you a message that when you go out nothing gets done. You do need however to keep going out.
How is he in other parts of the relationship- he will lower yours and your daughters self esteem - who wants to be told to shut up all the time.
I’m angry for you.

Of course his behaviour is not acceptable.. to you, your children or anyone.

IMO you need to sit him down and tell him one final time that him saying that to you or the children is unacceptable and that whilst you appreciate that he works full time you are not a servant and do expect for him to help around the house. If his behaviour does not change and you cannot expect this then your only option is to break off the relationship.

For me, no this would not be acceptable. In my family we don't tell each other to "shut up" with or without the F word! It's disrespectful and degrading language to use towards people you love. It sounds like you're not asking much from him but rather than try and discuss the issue he just shuts you down and calls you a nag. He shouldn't be saying it to your daughters either. That is not a good relationship model for them to be witnessing.

No he shouldn't be speaking to you like that. Is it more of a one of or does he speak to you like that often?

I've had issues with my husband speaking to me like this too (one of the many reasons i'm considering leaving). He also tells the kids to shut up a lot (and some how he thinks this isn't rude). It's disrespectful and I believe no one should be speaking to others like that. My big worry is that the kids will copy and believe it's ok to treat others like that or to allow others to treat you that way.

Have you spoken to him about it? Whenever I tell my husband he has been rude to me and to stop, he just says that I am driving him to it.

Of course it’s not acceptable for a partner to tell you to STFU. You know that. It’s also not acceptable to tell you or your girls to shut up. Lots of parts of your post worry me - you sound ground down and subservient. You say you’re a sahm which ‘obviously I feel fortunate about’. Why? It sounds to me that your status as a sahm is being viewed as ‘skivvy’ by your partner.

I’d have a very careful think about your relationship. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t look great.

Telling someone to shut up is rude, shut the fuck up is really nasty.
He’s lazy and feeling defensive.
My oh is a teacher doing 60 to 70 hour weeks, working till 11pm at least 5 nights a week. He still does the food shop, gardening, washing, running the kids about and more.

I would sit down and work put how many hours you both spend working, and every moment awake with a two year old counts as work.
So your day can run from say 6 am to whenever you stop on the evening. See how the workload is shared, and present it to him as a spreadsheet.

And show him this thread.
Would you be prepared to be the breadwinner if he did the house and kids.

i am a sahm which i obviously feel fortunate about

Why do you feel 'fortunate' about it? It's a 24/7 job, not a diamond necklace. No-one is doing you a favour here. Do you feel that you are being given some kind of luxury by him, and should be grateful to him? Do you feel that you are depending on his kindness and generosity?

My ex was a wanker in many ways. However, if he had ever told me to shut the fuck up, he'd have been an ex a hell of a lot sooner. I'd have been digging a new patio!