Partner having a breakdown, hasn't come home for 2 days advice needed!

[TravelMama12345]

Hey Mumsnetters would really appreciate any advice you can share on this matter.

I'm 26 weeks pregnant (36 y/o) with 1st child, been with my partner 7 years (49 y/o) and are engaged. We have a good, steady relationship.

Things have taken a turn recently, he's under major stress at work (he runs a small London restaurant which is failing and losing money) and coupled with having our first child on the way and the fact we're relocating to Bristol in a few months pre-birth, I think he's really on the brink of a breakdown. He's always been a big drinker but it's been out of control recently and he hasn't been home for 2 days.

To cut a long story short, the catalyst was cross-communication the other day when I was supposed to meet him for dinner at our restaurant but he wasn't there and I couldn't get hold of him so went home. He behaved super irrationally and thought I was somehow personally 'disrespecting' him (as opposed to getting wires crossed) so he didn't come home that night and drunkenly text me that evening saying we were over and finished to my astonishment.

He didn’t come home last night either so I confronted him today in person about why he thought it was acceptable to not come home for two days straight and to find out what’s going on. He insisted it was justified pay back for me standing him up. In my upset I blurted out that I think he’s emotional breakdown and needed help. Naturally he didn’t take this well.

I'm literally at my wits end, I do worry he's in the throes of mental / emotional crisis and unwilling to see it. I’m troubled he thinks what he did was a justified reaction to me. I'm scared about our future and the baby. I’m also worried my emotional confrontation has pushed him away further. Right now he said he’s not going to come home until the weekend.

I just feel really helpless and don't know what to do. Did he overact to me standing him up? Should I try to encourage him to seek help still or should I apologise for blurting my thoughts out to him in the way I did?

Thank you for reading, I appreciate any help or advice x

I'm no expert but what stands out is that you aren't saying anything about you and your needs, which should be paramount. He is being a selfish immature idiot. I would disengage and start to make plans that work with or without him. Stop worrying about his feelings, worry about yours. Please.

I agree with pog.
This is not OK.
He's behaving like an asshole!
You have hormones raging around your system right now and need love and support.
Not a bloke who will 'punish' you when you've actually done nothing wrong.
Do you have family or a friends you can go to for a few days.
Get your thoughts clear.
You might benefit from contacting Al-Anon as well.
They help people who are engaged with alcoholics.
Do you want to relocate?
Will you have support around you in Bristol?

Do you own the restaurant? Sounds like you need to shift it, sharpish

He's being a selfish dick but may well be in the middle of a MH crisis and not actually capable of acting rationally.

All you can do for now is take care of yourself and try not to worry too much about him until he's home and able to talk rationally about how he's feeling

Men are socialised to act this way instead of showing vulnerability - it's fucking irritating but doesn't mean they can't suffer from ill mental health

He's being a bastard, you're the one with the baby inside you so you have to hold it together, you don't have the luxury of going off on two day drinking benders. How does he think you are coping with the stress?!?!

Literally I would tell him not to bother coming back. This behaviour is appalling and he needs to know what he stands to lose.

Does he have form for tantrums like this?

When my dad's business was failing it nearly killed him. Moving home has been some of the worst times of my life. Expecting a baby and not knowing how you will house or provide for it must be incredibly stressful.

Yes, you and the baby should come first, but I honestly, hand on heart do not know anyone who would be able to cope well with the stress your DH is under.

Thank you for your replies everyone

@hellsbellsmelons - Yes we both want to relocate, our families are in and around Bristol so I/we will have more of a support network when DS is born.

@PretABoire - It's his but he's closing it in a few months just before we move. I cannot wait for that day.

@beeefcake - Not really, we rarely argue which is why this is such a blow. It seems like his rationality / mood swings have been deteriorating and getting worse very recently.

Personally, I would pack a bag and go to your family in Bristol for the weekend. Talk it through with them and give yourself a break away from the stress.

Leave the dickhead to it. He needs to clean up his act and sharpish especially if you have a child on the way.

Oh, and I wouldn't tell him either. See how long it takes for him to contact you and ask where you are / notice you are gone.

He behaved super irrationally/ thought I was 'disrespecting' him/ didn't come home that night/drunkenly text me saying we were over and finished

It does not sound like an emotional crisis to me, it sounds like he's a selfish, thoughtless bastard who has already checked out of your relationship.

Pack and go straight to Bristol where you will find the support you are going to need in the coming weeks.
Consider registering the baby in your surname to save a lot of grief in the long run.