Belittling/bullying ?

[bringbacksummer99]

Name changed!
DH works away Mon-Fri 250 miles away, we have two DDs and I work part time. It works. Some weeks are harder than others but in the main it works.
Recently however I'm noticing I am bearing the brunt of his bad moods, just before he returns. And today it has happened again.
Today is his birthday. Yep, it's shit, we've both done it, birthdays on your own etc. But we always roll the birthday to when he is home and make a fuss then. Presents are bought, DDs are excited for him to come home, a cake is being chosen tonight etc.
This mornings message has left me a bit . Completely out of the blue. That sometimes the love and affection is shit, that I didn't put a xx on my Happy Birthday !!! Message at 6.30 this morning and that a half decent message and a phone call would have been nice. I'll just add it's a school day, and we all know what those mornings are like. He phones every morning, we don't know his schedule, he called at 8. But this was another failing on my part.

Last week was the same, messages that I'm now seeing as constant criticism and I feel I'm jumping through hoops as heaven forbid he feels neglected.
Thoughts anyone? Or am I just the cold hearted wife ?

He's taking it out on you, and that's not fair. If he doesn't like it, then it's within his power to change it. You can all either move to where he's working, or he can find a new job closer to home.

What he can't do is make you suffer because he's not always happy.

Thank you, this is exactly what I was thinking. And it's constant. I'm so cross that this has happened yet again when we have been making plans for his return, even a table booked for the weekend. And now he's throwing criticisms round and being nasty.

Am so cross.

Simple answer. You can work towards living in the same place and he shares the childcare and house roles so you have more time for him or he can lump it. Twat

My annoyance is with his constant venting, we all get fed up but there are times your head is down, your in a bad mood and you let it pass. But he isn't, it's vent vent vent. Last week after firing off message after message I got a 'sorry I'm in a shitty mood this week' and that was that. Oh well, that's fine then. Once in a blue moon, fine, every week, gets you down.

Just text him back:

"Sorry you are in a shitty mood but please don't take it out on me. We have made loads of plans for your birthday weekend and can celebrate it then."

Why is he acting like a child over his birthday? He sounds about 8.

As to all the other venting, time to sit down and have a proper chat about it, ask him to express what he's unhappy about and maybe start to work out if you can change the living/working arrangements in the future? Otherwise you'll just go around in circles with everyone getting fed up!

12 hours later he sends 'sorry x'. Is this some sort of wind up ? There has to be some sort of official mumsnet terminology for this kind of head fuck?

Abusive fuckwit?

Is it actually venting and are they actually bad moods, or is it just outright cruelty?

Shitty headfuck apologies like that set alarm bells ringing for me, I'm afraid.

He's using you as an emotional punchbag. Because he can.

The 'sorry x' is adding insult to injury. Message him back 'shove your pathetic apology where the sun don't shine x'

Don't forget to add that kiss at the end. It's very important.

It's not outright cruelty but it's more than just odd bad moods. It also seems to have a pattern, back end of the week when he's due home. Jekyl and Hyde style behaviour. He's spent all week saying how he's been looking at the menu of the restaurant, can't wait for the weekend etc. Then this morning, complete change, triggered by so called neediness. But I'm beginning to wonder.

I'm ignoring now as I just don't see the point, I haven't replied to the sorry so now it's 'carrying it on are we' style messages.

Not normal behaviour, I can see that.

He doesn't want to come home maybe? Could that be the reason he acts like this when he's due back?

So you jump through hoops to try and stop him kicking off at you and he does it anyway? As well as changing your behaviour because you can't deal with his reaction, eg not challenging him?

Fair summary?

The Jekyll and Hyde nature of this, the fact he is using you as an emotional punchbag as a pp said, and the way you're having to change your behaviour yet still find the blame being heaped on your shoulders feels pretty red flaggy to me. Abuse very much follows that pattern.

The latest messages smack of him trying to dominate you and exert power.

You ever looked at the Freedom Programme? Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk Suggesting mostly for perspective and your own sanity, rather than anything more.

And no, you're not a cold hearted wife. Nor can I spot any "neediness", not that it would excuse his behaviour anyway.

Dominate and exert power was exactly along the lines I was thinking, it's almost a game. But why ? I will have a look at your link, thank you.