I can't talk about my experience of domestic abuse

[DTMember]

Longtime member but NC for this. I'm really struggling with my mental health at the moment.

I was in a very long marriage and my exH abused me pretty much throughout. Some physical violence but much more threats of it and EA, telling me how worthless and unattractive and dull I was and how nobody liked me. He ground me down so much that I did not recognise myself.

We divorced 5 years ago and I have been as NC as possible but he is taking me back to court in September to try to cut off maintenance and is loving every minute of the opportunities the court process gives him to crawl all over my expenditure and ask for copies of all my papers and query everything. I feel as if I am being abused all over again and I know that is what he wants. He will probably lose in court but the payoff in the process for him is immense, almost masturbatory.

I can look forward to having to deal with this every week until the end of September. The more information he prizes out of me the more he wants, there is no end to it. He is now demanding information on my expenditure going right back to the day we divorced and according to my solicitor I can't say no.

Once I escaped I knew I never wanted another relationship again. All I wanted was peace and for him to leave me alone. He treats DC2 like a golden child, is OK to DC3 and has no contact with DC1 who has SN. I obviously can't talk to them about it although they are teens.

I am desperate for help but there is nowhere for me to turn. He is a lawyer and would absolutely love an excuse to sue me. There are, of course, no witnesses to all the abuse because that is the nature of domestic abuse and I could not rely on it now under the 2 year rule in any event. I have started fantasising about killing myself. I would not do it because of the DC, but the lure of the peace is very strong.

To the outside work he is a lovely charming bloke, he just never bothered wasting any of that on me. I'm going to the doctors today but I know there is no help to be found there really. I can't afford to start taking drugs because I need to be at my absolute sharpest mentally to deal with the legal proceedings (and part of me thinks because my depression is situational they will not fix anything anyway - there is no magic bullet for abuse).

Not sure why I am posting this but it all seems so wrong. I'm a decent person but I made a huge mistake when I was very young in choosing him and my whole life is ruined as a result.

I wish I could help with advice but I'm not able sorry. What I will say is firstly look after you; Whatever makes you feel better do it. For me, it's music, bubble baths, reading and exercise. You need to get the stress out.
Secondly, you're stronger than you know. You survived living with him, and you had immense strength to leave. Personally since I left my ex I know that however stressful things get with him, it will never be as bad as living with him so if I can get through that I can get through this.
He's losing/has lost power over you. That's why he's now scraping the barrel trying to bother you. Don't give him the satisfaction. Keep reminding yourself how far you've come, you should be so proud of yourself. Take care

Please be completely honest with your doctor about how you’re feeling including your thoughts that you’d be better off dead (you absolutely wouldn’t)

Of course medication can’t magically fix abuse but it can help you get into a stronger position mentally to deal with your situation and heal from the past. Anti-depressants won’t stop you being “sharp”, and if you have concerns about side effects you can discuss those with your doctor.

Have you ever had counselling/therapy? It sounds as if you could really benefit from some (or some more). Could you ask your GP about that? Maybe contact your local Women’s Aid to see if there are any specialist counsellors or support groups?

Btw if you want a second opinion on the legal side of things you could call the Rights of Women family law helpline.

It sounds as if the legal stuff is really hard for you atm but it won’t be forever, you will get through it and be able to put it behind you.

I agree with you that it's wrong, and I'm really sorry you're going through it. It's awful and must be so distressing.

Meds can't take it away, you're right, but - as my doc said to me when I made a similar comment to the one you have - they were aiming to try and take the edge off so that I could get through it and start rebuilding. It was about providing as much support in as many ways as they could.

The suggestion above on a second legal opinion is a good one, even if it's just to give you more of a sense of control and being armed with information. Sometimes it's helpful just to hear things explained in a different way by somebody with a different perspective and way of articulating ideas.

I understand why you feel like your whole life is ruined, but I don't think it will always feel like that. I don't think your whole life is ruined anyway, but I bet he wants you to believe that. To me, his decision to do this shows that he felt you were doing too well and he's trying to get control back.

Did you have any support previously for the abuse? From Women's Aid or attending the Freedom Programme? Specific counselling? Online forums for survivors?

I ask because some of the women I met on Freedom were going through the kinds of things you describe, and it seemed to really help them. It's not therapy, but it would give you a couple of hours a week in a room with women who understand what you're going through and went through, and who won't judge you or blame you. It might also help you feel differently about your future.

Also, Freedom don't keep records of who's attended the groups specifically to stop men like your ex using it to harass, abuse, control etc. My group just used to do a first name only sign in page each week in case of a fire, and that was destroyed afterwards. Nobody in the building except the facilitators knew who we were or why we were there, and the times and locations aren't advertised or made public. (You have to contact them to get a place - details on their website www.freedom programme.co.uk). Often they're in places with a crèche or at children's centres, so it looks like just women attending a group for mums or a craft group or coffee morning or something else completely innocuous.

I know Women's Aid can offer counselling, and I'm aware there are areas of the country where the NHS has started running therapy specifically for women who've experienced domestic abuse. Either way, being able to have some form of trauma therapy with a therapist who understands domestic abuse could really help you cope with this, cope with the wreckage, and build some hope up for you.

He can't sue you for going to the doctor's or having counselling. Your medical records are confidential, and having medical needs is not something you can be sued for. Has he specifically threatened to do that? Or just generally if you tell anyone?

There's also Samaritans. You can email on [email protected] or phone on 116123. They can't even identify who you are, so you can tell them absolutely anything, any time you need to talk and get it off your chest. You don't have to be feeling suicidal to call them, although if you are they are kind and won't judge you. You could also create a new email address to contact them if it made you feel safer (although when they respond to you the person writing the email can't see your address anyway).

There are also survivor groups on Twitter. You could create an entirely anonymous account and use it to connect with other people, or just vent, or however you wanted to. I know there's an #abusetalk chat on Wednesday evenings you could look in on. It has a different topic each week. There will be others, depending on what helps you.

There are loads of books out there that might help. Based on some of the things you've described him doing, there is one that comes to mind called Treating PTSD in Battered Women (Edward Kubany - it's American, hence the uncomfortable title), but it covers healing from the ways they put poison in your mind with all the put downs etc. It's described as a handbook for therapists, but I've used parts of it on my own - it contains hand outs and things to give to clients/patients. Hardback is stupidly expensive, but Kindle is £25. (Might be something for after September though depending on the level of scrutiny of your purchases? But downloading a free sample wouldn't hurt. If you don't have a kindle you can download the kindle app to read it that way.)

There are probably other (less expensive) books I could recommend as possibilities for you to look at, but I won't unless you want them.

I don't expect you to go off and do all these things, I'm just sharing things that have helped me or people I know. Take the parts that are helpful to you. You don't have to be alone with all this.

Again, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I hope you are able to find something to help you get through the next few months. Take care .

Broken link, so in the interests of trying to make your life a little bit easier - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Also - www.amazon.co.uk/Treating-Battered-Women-Step-step/dp/1572245573?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I've spent so long explaining to friends and family exactly how my ex is. Yes he seems loving, generous and a brilliant father and husband to everyone else but he really isn't. He's controlling, jealous, abusive, stingy. Not extreme but what he's like behind closed doors is a world away. But I don't care what other people think. They can like him if they want, all I know is that my kids and I are much better now (even though we still live together but hopefully not for longer) .

I don't understand why he's got a right to see your accounts since you split up?? But if he does, then let him waste his time on it. Don't let it worry you and you carry on living your life whilst the solicitors sort it out.

Amazing post Gruffalina!

May be a controversial idea but do you have any way of living without the maintenance? Sounds like you are owed it, for sure, but if it were me and I could scrape by without I'd be so tempted to take the wind out of his sails by letting him keep his money and not engaging with the drama.

I think a 2nd opinion would be a good idea, one that is experienced with abuses using legal process to carry on their abuse ideally.

I'd love to know on what basis he's cutting off maintenance - do you have to comply?

I'm sorry OP.

I agree with others - be very explicit with your GP about how you are feeling. Would counselling help - some place for you to rant about him safely?

For the immediate, you cannot change him and what he is doing to you but you could possibly change how much pleasure he is getting out of it by not giving the reaction he wants.

Give him the information if your solicitor says you have to. Don't protest, don't complain, just treat it as a bit of a bore and a pain but nothing to you. What does it matter if he knows you spent 100 pounds on coal 5 years ago - he must have little in his life if he needs to know this kind of thing. Clearly he is still very caught up with you if he needs this level of interference in your life. It is pathetic. You have forged a life for yourself and he hasn't.

I guarantee you, OP, that someone in his life sees through that charming bloke persona. People like him can keep it up in superficial relationships but it seeps out anywhere else. Guarantee you there are a couple of women at work or lawyers on the other sides of deals with him who say "what the fuck is that about" when talking about him.

By that, I'm not asking what hes specifically doing, but I can't imagine what he can try to pull that would be successful.

I think if you spoke to Womans Aid and Rights for Women you might be able to find a lawyer used to dealing with these monsters

Thank you very much for your kind words. It definitely helps not to feel so alone.

He is trying to cut off maintenance on the grounds that I have managed to get together some cash now by living frugally so should be expected to live off that (this is a man who makes over 1 million a year after tax).

I think my lawyer is pretty decent but she is very concerned that we appear reasonable by answering his questions and says his attitude will go against him when we get to court. I'm sceptical though because the current line of cases in the family courts is very misogynistic and he, of course, has instructed the top QC in this area.

Thank you for the Freedom Programme and the book recommendations. i will check them out. The doctors couldn't really do anything as I suspected. They did recommend a charity which provides support for people who are stressed but when i checked it out, you have to be on benefits which I am not.

I definitely could not live without the maintenance and he took most of the capital in our divorce in exchange for maintenance so I have no reserves to fall back on.

It sounds as if your solicitor (now and also in the divorce maybe?) isn’t specialised or experienced in domestic abuse. For that reason I strongly suggest you get a second opinion from rights of women and/or a specialist solicitor (women’s aid might have a list for example).

FWIW, I'd recommend getting a second opinion as well. Your story sounds so much like DP's experiences. He was in a long marriage that was highly abusive, and although he is divorced, his ex continues to cause him (and me) misery. At the moment she is hell bent on getting him a criminal record, probably so that she can then go to court in an effort to get compensation out of him. In her universe, she didn't get enough money out of the divorce (believe me, she did) and as she has pissed her half of the financial proceeds up the wall, she's after more.

A good GP is a very useful resource; echoing what other people have said about antidepressants, they take the edge off but shouldn't stop your functioning and they can often help you to think more clearly.

Don't let the bastard grind you down!

Depending where you are, you should be able to self-refer to IAPT for some form of counselling at the very least. Some IAPTs have DV therapy. The mechanics of that will depend on the NHS trust running mental health services in your area (not necessarily one that geographically matches where you live).

If it is any consolation, most professionals who have the misfortune to be instructed by someone as vile as your ex, engaging in something as transparently cruel as he is, will see through him just as easily as we do and be just as disgusted by him. Even if they can't say as such.

Most definitely visit your GP you can even have counclling online via a webcam if you like. I don't have experience of what you have been through but I wanted you to know your life is not ruined, you left if you had stayed it would have been, you are brave and sound like a good lass you have my upmost respect, September is so so close as well xxx

A million after tax? You need to get a better solicitor! Ignore everything he says and get yourself a brilliant solicitor and they'll wipe the floor with him.

@Gruffalina72 has given you some amazing advice @Cricrichan but I wanted to echo the Freedom Programme information.

I run a group and I have no written records of any of my attendees. I won't even tell social workers or other professionals when or where the groups are, or if someone is attending. The course is purely information giving and I hope the women who come to me feel it gives them a couple of hours of sanity, understanding and time just for them every week. No kids (except a newborn one of my women is due to give birth to imminently), no partners, no agencies.

I also have snacks and nice biscuits (sometimes we get chips from the chippy!)

If you can't get to a group, it's available online but I think a group might benefit you.