Friend marrying an arsehole

[justshruggingreally]

I have a lovely friend who has been in a succession of relationships with arseholes as long as I've known her. The most recent one has been around a couple of years, has cheated on her repeatedly and generally treated her like shit. They've just announced their wedding for later this year.

I really, really don't want to go. The thought of toasting their relationship and generally spending a day celebrating her sincere belief that she doesn't deserve kindness or respect is killing me. But I also think making up an excuse is a cop out. Plenty of friends (who hate him) are going to bite their tongues and go so my absence won't matter in terms of numbers.

What I really want to do is message her and say that I'm not going to come, but if she ever ever wants out that I will be here. Whether that's before the wedding or in ten years time. I can see this is likely to be a friendship ender, but at the moment it feels like this could be worth it if it means I do get that call in future.

Has anyone done something similar? I'm keen for this not to be about my feelings, I genuinely want to do what is best for her. I have been in crappy relationships but I don't have experience of the experiences/feelings that compel you to repeatedly go for partners who treat you badly. I would also quite like to link her to the Freedom Program in my message but I can see that it's all just going to piss her off. But then also would that be worth it so she has the link for the future? Or will all of this massively feed an 'us vs the world' thing that will end up keeping her with him for longer?

Please give me advice, I really want to do the right thing.

Does she have any idea that you dont like her partner? As this might effect how you go about telling her.
Does she acknowledge that hes cheated on her and treats her badly?

I havent told her how I feel so far - until now I've generally made the effort to be civil to her partners to avoid conflict, but then supported her once the relationships are over. But many friends have told her how they feel about this one, to the point of putting their friendships in jeopardy. She has said they're right, that she should leave. But then recently has announced that he's a changed man etc etc.

It definitely wouldn't be a surprise for her to get the message. There's just pressure to turn up and act happy.

Could you do both? tell her how you feel, that she is worth more and you will always been there for her if things go wrong and go to support her at her wedding? If you keep the friendship with her open, she may feel she can come to you easier if things do go wrong and she wants out. I'd be careful to phrase it so you arent attacking you H2B but that you are always going to be there for her without judgement. If you go in on her H2B too much, she'll get defensive and may find it harder to admit later down the line if you are right.

*her H2B

That makes a lot of sense, bluebell. I don't want to burn my bridges. I suppose it's about finding a way of not burning my bridges without appearing to accept his behaviour.

my best friend married a creep, he didn't cheat but treated her appallingly and made her feel like shit all the time. At the time I said nothing because he never did anything in front of me but I could just tell.
They divorced 3 years later and I told my friend what I thought of him, she said many people had mentioned up hearing about her divorce that they never really like him.
I asked her would it have made a difference if I'd said anything and she said no not at the time as she was so in love with him.
I think women know but refuse to deal with anything due to them thinking that they can't do better

I think this kind of conversation has to be face to face. Not easy to have, but there’s less room for misinterpretation and you can make it clear it’s him and not her.

I don't like who my best friend married. I don't think he is good enough for her because of the way he behaves.

I sat her down before the wedding and told her what I thought. But I also added that if she still wanted to be married to him, I would always be there for her. She told me that she did.

I went to the wedding and wished them well. And on the odd occasion that he is a dick, I support her.

I love her. I will always be there for her.