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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Reasonable to divorce over mess

20 replies

B00ps · 12/07/2018 01:47

Long story short, I'm terribly unhappy in my marriage for numerous reasons.
Husband started a business while I was a sahm without any consultation from me and it has taken over our lives. Every minute of every day is taken up by working on the business, there is zero family time, zero relationship time.
I feel miserable.
One major issue I have with this is that not only has this business (that's not running yet) taken over our time and infected our marriage with arguments, but the mess and disgraceful state of the place because of DH not tidying up.

DH has the entire separate second lounge and garage which is taken over by parts and junk.
Not only that but cups and plates and he thinks of it as entirely his space and so feels like just dumping clothes and coat hangers, shoes, food and not keeping any area of it tidy is fine. The garage is full to bursting with junk. There's a shed full of junk. A workshop you can't get into and a further space/corridor room further bursting with junk.
Unsorted. Thrown in. Piled up.

We had another argument last night over the shared lounge. I pointed out that it's absolutely filthy and I'd only cleaned some of it that day and had spent the entire day Monday cleaning and sorting out the entire house. He simply responded by asking me to help him tidy up and when I pointed out that I had already spent Monday cleaning everything and trying to tidy and was not prepared to tidy someone else's junk he said he would now 'never help me ever again'.

I just feel like if you have hoarded and created the mess then it's yours to sort out. I'm fed up with spending my spare time cleaning after someone.

I want a divorce.

OP posts:
Aus84 · 12/07/2018 02:27

The mess is a result of his selfishness and lack of respect for you. So you would not be divorcing because of the mess.

Cadencia · 12/07/2018 02:31

Agree with Aus. You wouldn’t be divorcing because of the mess. That’s a side product of the fact that he’s a selfish twat.

heyheymymy · 12/07/2018 02:31

Agree with Aus

B00ps · 12/07/2018 02:35

I was reading the thread about the husband with aspergers and it just made sense.
He's fixated on nothing else but this business. Nothing else matters. I'm just an annoying nag that is lazy and doesn't understand him and he does so much more than me.
He thinks because he works and does this business that rules our entire lives that me only working part time and looking after our child and the house is lazy in comparison.
I did not sign up for this.
I feel like a second rate partner in this marriage who just has to wait around for the business to succeed before any of the plans we made are even remembered.
We should be enjoying our young child together. Saving money to buy a house.
Instead I take our young child out to places/on holiday while he does work.

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 12/07/2018 02:40

I would tell him life's too short for this shit

B00ps · 12/07/2018 02:42

I've taken the weekend off work for him to do work on his business and now he's saying he'll have to use the time to tidy up the state he's made and this is my fault for complaining and not helping.
I said this is the equivalent of me ripping every item out of the wardrobe and throwing it around the bedroom then complaining that my weekend will be wasted with me tidying the wardrobe and why won't he help?

I just feel so angry.
I moved to a different country and have watched him hop between jobs and last time we moved house I went through all his stuff putting cables into bags that were the same and organising for it just to be tipped over when we moved and emptied into a pile.
A new desk arrived and filing cabinets and the stuff from the old ones is everywhere. I'm apparently supposed to help fix this. I can't.
It makes me sick.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 12/07/2018 02:49

Sounds like unreasonable behaviour to me.

Does he know how you feel?

B00ps · 12/07/2018 02:56

Yes he's aware. Just doesn't accept that I'm unhappy because he is then miserable that I am complaining and it becomes about how I am making him feel by complaining.

He just says he works harder and is exhausted and I have an easy life. When I try and explain that he is exhausted because he has taken on the business he claims it's not and it's because he picks me up from work once or twice a week after nightshift.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/07/2018 02:56

Where will you go?

Will you be allowed to return home if you’re abroad?

YABU to want to leave but make sure you can.

GardenGeek · 12/07/2018 03:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

B00ps · 12/07/2018 03:15

I'll have to stay here as our child can't be removed and I have no intention of splitting up a father and child but fuck. Let this be a lesson to other's to make sure you have security and know what you're getting yourself into before you move.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 12/07/2018 03:25

OP what country are you in that you aren't allowed to leave?

You do know that your child living in this mess will depress them as they grow up too? If your child goes to social events eg birthday parties, play days etc are you happy to invite friends back in return, knowing that both you and friend will be ashamed of your home?

I don't understand why you can't leave. One thing's for sure if you do stay, your emotional health is bound to suffer. Is it worth it?

Re splitting child from father I shouldn't think your husband spends any social or quality time with your child if he chooses to work all the time.

I think once grown your child will leave home asap and barely visit. It doesn't even sound safe for a child to live there really.

B00ps · 12/07/2018 03:26

I had no choice with the business he just started doing it. Said it was a 6month initial slog then it would be done.
I should have known it was bullshit. 4 years later. I just feel like I'm just a prop in this sham marriage. Just waiting around for some actual care or attention.
He just doesn't engage and now neither do I.
I used to sit with him in the shared lounge while he worked. It was tedious as I just saw the back of computer screens while he typed. Now I don't bother as I can't sit in what looks like a sort of student flat/office/dumping ground.
So that initial time we used to spend together is no more. Not that it was quality time anyway.
If you talk to him he's not there.
I try to explain my feelings and it's just 'I have it worse' or 'oh a bird in a tree...let me get my torch to see it'.
I've explained and yelled and wailed to try to get him to understand what I mean but he just will pick up on something lime the way I spoke to him and turn it into a rant about how I'm so rude rather than what I said.
It's like smashing your head off a wall.
I sometimes think I can't cope anymore.

OP posts:
ChickenOrEgg6 · 12/07/2018 03:30

Op is fairly likely to be able to leave.
Not necessarily with her child though unless she has his permission....

B00ps · 12/07/2018 03:32

The lounge is next to the garage so.when people visit they never see it. I keep the rest of the house tidy. If you only stayed upstairs and didn't open the doors downstairs then you'd think it was just a normal reasonably tidy house. I need to go under to get to the laundry and hang washing out but can barely get through and when we have guests we used to use the second lounge area under the house as a place to listen to music and relax so that no children were woken.
Obviously that now can't happen because of the absolute disgrace under there.

OP posts:
B00ps · 12/07/2018 03:33

Yes chicken that's the problem.
I'm more than able to leave. Can't take a child without written legal consent.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/07/2018 09:26

Are you able to access legal advice? Is he likely to fight for custody?

Are you going to be able to manage on your own financially?

B00ps · 12/07/2018 10:03

Financially I'd be fine. I wouldn't want to leave and drag a child away from their life, doesn't make the thought of living here with no family and just a few friends any easier though.
I just keep wishing he'd get it but it's like living with a stone.
Just nothing. No emotion. No support.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/07/2018 10:37

Could you afford to move out somewhere local? Do you have friends and support in real life?

It sounds like the mess is the final straw, there are obviously lots of other issues here (communication/fair share of domestic drudgery/support).

I don't blame you for wanting out.

Fishface77 · 12/07/2018 11:11

Op you can leave. You are choosing not to. It doesn’t sound like she’s an involved father anyway so you wouldn’t be depriving your child of much.
It sounds like his mess will eventually take over the rest of the house. He’s relying on you not leaving to continue as he is.

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