NC with DM. What should I do?

[workinprogressmum]

Hi all,

I've been NC with my DM for nearly 8 months. I am chronically ill and even speaking to her sometimes stresses me to the point of a relapse. She is a textbook narcissist.

I've been slowly getting well again without the contact but she has text my husband begging us to see her. She's said any time / place and for as long as we want. Which is interesting as she stipulated that we should be seeing her X amount of times and for longer periods (my health couldn't allow for this).

I feel like it's more so she can see DS. It's his birthday soon.

Part of me is tempted to get it over and done with and the other part wants to run away.

Any advice?

If you do decide to see her, can you take other family who will call her out on her behaviour if she starts.
Also meet up somewhere really public.

Just say no.

Seriously, this is working for you. You are getting better(ish). You know damn fine this is just her pulling your strings. She's your mother she knows what always used to work with you. You should also know that she will, whenever she gets bored, try to drag you back into the drama again.

So ignore. She's bored. There's an event she can hook this onto. That's all this is about. Let it go.

I was thinking a café so that we can finish our drinks / leave quickly if necessary.

I would take my husband but he never says anything to her. I'm LC with my sister too for similar reasons so can't rely on her.

@Arum I hear what you're saying.

I can guess the topics she'll bring up (Dad, sister - how wonderful her life is and her low opinion of me, that she wants to look after DS alone).

I just feel incredibly guilty.

If you are already poorly and you know she will make you feel worse then maybe you should do what is best for your health. I know you feel guilty, you need to put yourself first now though especially when ill.

@workinprogressmum and is that going to work for you? Do you want to listen to that? Is it going to improve your life in any way? What about DS, is it fine for him to hear this?

You know how it will go. There's no logical, sensible reason for you to go through with this. You cannot feel guilty for doing the rational thing!

I know you are both right. Just so hard not to be hooked back in again!

Just take it day by day. Let your real family, your dh and dc, reassure and support you. Its ok to not be ok and to wobble and waver. Just remind yourself that you are strong, they are toxic and you and your family deserve peace.

I can guess the topics she'll bring up (Dad, sister - how wonderful her life is and her low opinion of me, that she wants to look after DS alone).

Let me edit that for you.

I can guess what she's going to do (stab me in the right shoulder with the fork from her new barbecue set).

Still considering going?

@Arum lol, yeah, fair point.

DH sent a response saying I'm concentrating on my health and will let her know when I'm ready to meet up.

She is now demanding an explanation about why she's being singled out etc etc. Which is going to be ignored, otherwise we'll get sucked into an argument.

@whitewalkerwife - thank you, you're so right!

No no no you or your son do not need her

Do you want to see her? Don’t think about her, what do YOU want? If it’s for her to leave you alone, disappear, wish she’d not asked then simply don’t see her. Your son will be fine without her. Do you really want him to be exposed to her

Did she ask about your health? How you are feeling? Or was it about her?

@cricrichan - thank you. You're right!

@thebluedog - excellent points. No I don't want to see her or have my son exposed to her. That's one of my main reasons for NC, so she can't manipulate DS. Thank you :)

@Aussiebean - you know what, she didn't ask about my health or how any of us are. It's ALWAYS about her. Thank you for your input!

From first hand experience, if your mum missed you and wanted to repair things with you then she would have contacted you directly using any means necessary. Using your family and friends as a guilt trip and to win over sympathy is more text book narcissistic behaviour as it opens an avenue for her to be the victim rather than address any issues directly. She will no doubt use the excuse that she couldn't find another means of contacting you but if your address hasn't changed then don't believe it for a moment.

So sorry for you OP, it's the hardest thing in the world as we need our mums

Don't be drawn in. Don't meet her. Your DH needs to block her. Neither of you should respond to her calls or emails or texts. Do not answer a single question. Don't explain yourself. She will soon get sick.

Thank you @Vampyress. I am so sorry you have had experience of this too :(

It's heart breaking. I came to the realisation that she was a narcissist after the birth of my DS. How could she treat her own child like that?

You're right. Our home address and phone number is the same. There is no love from her only self entitlement!

@LuLu yep, you're right. It's hard when a part of you wishes for her to change and be a loving, kind human being but it's asking for the impossible.

You will need to deal with your sense of guilt before you have contact with her again because that is your Achilles heel and boy, does she no that. Prioritise your family (H and child) by prioritising your heath. Who knows about where you’ll both be in the future but right now, is way too soon.

By going NC, you’ve given your head and heart a much needed break, extend the hell out of this holiday by not getting sucked back into the manipulative bullshit.