So I've name changed for this. A friend of mine has posted the following and I'm terribly worried about her as she's young and needs help. I've seen so much incredible advice on here, it would be great if it could be extended to her.
(CW: abuse)
I’m also begging for no one to mention this to anyone outside of the group.
I’m really worried I’m in abusive relationship and I don’t know what to do (there has been abuse on both sides and I know where I’ve gone wrong).
I’ve been with my partner for just over 2 years and we now have a little girl together, we’ve also been living together for 2 years. We were great at that start and got along so well but very early on into the relationship my partner suggested I take a loan out because we had no money and were really struggling and he said he couldn’t get one so I took one out and he promised he would pay it back (eventually he did). I’ve now not worked properly in 2 years (I did for a brief period in Winter last year but my anxiety meant I couldn’t carry on). In this time we’ve been together I’ve now racked up a couple of thousands pounds worth of debt with him taking things out saying he’ll pay it back and him not doing (a couple of times I took some out because he was so reckless with spending and we were left with no money for food). He always uses the fact I haven’t worked against me (although I am starting full time in September) and says we lost our house because of it which I admit was partly my fault but it was also his fault. I got money for driving lessons last year for my birthday and he said we needed to spend the money on essentials so I didn’t get that, my mum also transferred money so I could get my car fixed (I’m still learning to drive but we had insurance so we could both drive it) and that went on other things so my car still isn’t fixed and has no MOT. I now have a CCJ on my bank file, he used to hide loads of mail so when I had letters of debt coming sometimes I didn’t find them until months later. He didn’t pay council tax on our house and we had bailiffs come round. He blames me because he chose to sell his motorbikes so we could afford things. I’ve had to sell my ps4 numerous times and then buy it back, sold my 3DS, sold my macbook. I literally just asked to speak to him about things, I’ve tried to tell him that the way he goes about things is aggressive. He’s on his second suspension at Sea Cadets and to be fair he’s not the one that started any of these issues but people complained about the way he retaliated and to be fair some of the complaints are complete lies and I said “the common denominator in all these issues is you” and he just called me “a psychotic spiteful little cunt” and slammed the door. Speaking to me like this is a regular occurrence and I do do it back but I’ve tried to stop doing and I’ve been doing my best not to rise. (This next bit I’m deeply ashamed of and I know I was in the wrong so I don’t need lectures) sometimes I’ve been pushed to the point where I’ve lashed out (I know I’m an awful person and I’ve made sure I’ve not done it for ages), usually after I’ve been screamed at in the face, I did it once after he spat in my face, or if I’ve tried to speak to him and he’s ‘sh’ed’ me. I know it’s wrong to do it so I don’t need lectures I’m just trying to give insight and he has retaliated by lashing out and I’m not bothered by that because I wouldn’t expect him to take it. He’s the angriest person I’ve ever met, he’s had road rage so bad that he nearly crashed the car chasing someone else in a car, curbed my alloys, and led to me having a panic attack because I thought he was going to crash the car (which was mine). We were in Aldi earlier on and I didn’t have my glasses on so I asked him if he could just put the phone down whilst we do shopping and he called me a slag and other names whilst in the middle of Aldi all because I started to walk out of the shop as he was just walking up and down aisles not looking at anything or helping me pick anything up. He refuses to apologise for saying what he did and says my behaviour is embarrassing. It’s really difficult because we speak and sort things out and then I feel really awful for trying to speak to anyone about it and regret it because I’m like “oh i don’t want people to think bad of him we’re really happy” etc. I want to leave him but I’m worried if I do he’ll use certain things against me (that he caused and I can’t speak about but it would get me into trouble even though I didn’t do anything wrong), I’m also super worried about being a single mum and I wish I’d never had Emilia with him even though I love her to pieces and I just generally wish I’d never met him. Everyone I know has been right about him and his money issues etc and I feel so stupid. I have no relationship with my stepdad anymore either. Every time I want to leave I don’t feel like I have the guts, I have nowhere to go, no money, I can’t drive and I’m just too scared. I won’t be able to afford nursery if I start my job full time in September and there’s no way I’m giving that up. I don’t want us to break up but I also do, I’m just so fed up of waiting for things to change and they never do. I just wish I was dead tbh as no matter what happens I’m fucked. I only kept the pregnancy as at the time we’d been doing so well and were really happy and always planned on being together forever. The problem is he knows I won’t leave him so it doesn’t matter to him what he does. I’m so miserable. 😞