My EA, narcissistic, alcoholic mother has gotten back in touch again recently.
I'm in the process of changing my number so that she can't do so anymore but I really need to get out my feelings.
Ever since I was small she (I can't even bring myself to call her mother) has been a massive source of pain and anxiety in my life.
My earliest memories are of me hiding in cupboards and locking myself in the bathroom to get away from her drunken rants.
She was violent and nasty. Smashing up the house, tearing up pictures, pouring bleach and putting knives through mine and my dads clothes.
She turned up at my school drunk (to pick me up) and was escorted away by police after threatening someone in the playground.
She'd be too drunk to cook dinner, so I'd sneak downstairs (too frightened to wake her) and make sandwiches that I could hide upstairs.
This continued into teenage years, where she'd walk into my high school, stand in the atrium and scream at the top of her lungs 'Where's Harshing?!' In front of all of my peers/teachers.
She would shoplift in our local store (small estate, everyone knew everyone) and walk around with shit and wee on her clothes. I got bullied because of this of course.
When I'd run home in tears because of the constant name-calling and teasing: she'd just say 'is there any wonder I drink? Look at the state of you?'
I'd be called a liar, a scumbag, a cheat, a whore, a slut, a slag, a cunt.
I was about 14.
I was threatened, attacked (punching, kicking, hair pulling.) and emotionally abused.
She'd sober up for a few weeks in between and expected everything to be forgiven.
My dad managed to forgive her, but I never could. The bitterness and resentment was too much.
When I finally left school, we moved to a new area for a fresh start. She remained sober for all of 5 minutes before causing trouble again.
I tried locking her in, it didn't work. I didn't leave the house unless I had too, didn't work. I went everywhere with her, didn't work.
I gave up everything to try and keep her off the booze. I ruined my life to save hers and I got no thanks.
We moved again. This time I found my exP (dad to my DD) and she caused no end of problems for me.
She picked faults in him. She didn't like him. She thought he was a creep, she assured me he was cheating on me, she would say 'he's not allowed in my house' but would condemn me if I went to see him.
It's like she wanted me to be alone. No one (unless it was the people she picked) would be good enough.
She wanted to control every aspect of my life.
I know now that everything she done was wrong. That no parent would treat a child like that.
But it doesn't stop the hurting.
I cannot forgive that woman. Just typing this has had me in tears.
Why would any person do that to their child? I can't understand it?
Why didn't my dad protect me and remove me from the situation?
Why didn't the school step up more and put a plan in place.
Why did no one look out for me?
I don't even know what I want from this post. I just needed to get it out.