Icebreaker Online dating

[Alpinestart]

I wont tell any lies- So I am a guy and saw this thread regarding online dating. Please give me a chance to speak as I know this is really a site for girls- I am new to the OLD scene myself and have posted this on another topic but thought I would create it as a separately and it might serve as a pointer for any other guys as well who reads your views.

I really would like some feedback from you ladies in what you would expect to see in a first time message from a guy. Now while I do understand there seems to be a lot of the wrong type of males which inhabit these places such as those (which I am lead to believe) Send pictures of parts of themselves which they shouldn’t, and are already in a relationship, I do however feel at a loss as to what you should send as an icebreaker?
Its seems conversations starting with ‘Hi’ are out and yes starting with ‘You look gorgeous where have you been all my life’ is a little full on- but In my opinion sending a truthful compliment is not always out of bounds is it? I have to say if someone posts a picture worthy of a compliment why should you not do that?

I have to be honest I am into horses and mountaineering. So when I see a picture of someone with a horse I might start a conversation on those grounds as I feel we have similar interests which is what you generally look for in a partner. Now while climbing may be a little more an oddity to most as an interest it makes me wonder whether you should omit these things rather than advertise them?

More often than not the reply may be ‘No not into horses it’s my sisters’ which does not help us guys does it? I personally prefer profile pictures of things I have done with significance to life and career rather than pubs and bars- Right or Wrong?

I am not into telling anything but the truth but the trouble with online dating you are sometimes not given the opportunity to express yourself and you are written off before you get a chance….

As a 44 year old ex Army Officer, 5'8, Slim Build, House & Car, No dependant children, working class roots who likes Horse riding and climbing tell me what you would like to hear…...

I know this is really a site for girls

No. This is a site for women. If you're 44 years old and trying to date children, that may be your problem right there.

I know this is really a site for girls

^^
Nope. Lost me already.

Yes first mistake agreed, worded that poorly.

Just be yourself. No point in anything else.
You may hook someone who likes a man who writes on Mumsnet. Personally I find it a massive turn off.

the first thing to do is actually read their profiles as you would be surpirised how many men dont do more than look at the pictures, my Oh and i met on POF , actually i messaged him first as i read his profile and liked what i saw, he had quite a few things in common with me and his message back to me went, hello would you like to meet for a coffee as i had put on my profile that i didnt want messaging for 3 months without actually meeting, just wastes time and men use it as an ego boost, and it proved he had read my profile

Seconding Ford's comment of losing "ladies/girls" from your vocab might be a good starting point.

Surely these women have profiles as well as pictures? So you should be able to sift through to see if the horsey pic matches the description in the profile? (I'm a bit puzzled you think climbing is such a weird thing for a woman to do - 30 years as a woman climber here, and it wasn't like they were unknown entities even back when I started...)

I believe there's a 70-30 rule - 70% about what you're interested in, 30% about what you want in your profile. Be prepared to be a bit flexible - for instance, don't rule out women who like hill walking but not rock-climbing. At the same time, don't go for absolutely any match in desperation - so clearly if you're outdoorsy, a woman into pedicures, spa weekends and west end shows might not be your ideal match.

But seriously, if you're (a) male, (b) serious about a LTR, (c) prepared to date women round your own age, and (d) don't have 2 heads, as a bloke in your age group doing OLD, you should be laughing.

So if it was her sister's horse, would that be a conversation stopper? Could you not continue with someone who doesn't share your interests?

I'm not sure what you really want people to say.
I feel like you're posting this to try and pick up MNers.

However, giving you the benefit of the doubt -being honest and friendly goes a long way. I met my husband OLD about a million years ago when it was all very novel and all my friends were convinced I was going to end up chopped up in a wheelie bin because of it. I can't remember what his profile said that attracted me, but the thing about him that attracted me was just that he was so open and nice and funny. And he is like that, it wasn't an act to lure me in (to his wheelie bin).
It's that age old cliche of just be yourself. You can't maintain an act for ever so anything else is pointless. If you are genuine and you genuinely want a relationship, you'll find someone.

Are you perchance trying to use this site for dating? Why are you putting your info (job, slim build, no kids) here?

You just need to read their profile and find something interesting and ask a question. It's really that simple.

And yes, lose the "girls"

That's the point I am trying to make-I have made mistakes in how I have simply worded this thread, and to you reading that as a message it signals a non starter- if this was anywhere else other than a forum you might not know get to know that; as there is every likelihood you would not get that honest reply which is the answer I am trying to get.

You all have some valid points which I take on board. Simply wording something poorly can be taken totally out of context.

Usually I find it a bit unnecessary when a poster gets jumped on for using the term girl to refer to a woman e.g "my DH has been messaging this girl at work..." - they normally just use it as shorthand for a younger woman. However as a 44 year old man referring to women as "girls" in your post I would think it's indicative of your general attitude towards women. I wonder what age range you've put on your profile?

I always go with the line "I realise I'm not that attractive, but I'll treat you right" works like a charm

In all seriousness, I think it's probably best to read and understand the person's profile then maybe mention something and ask them a question about that.
It's best to ask a question as they probably have a higher chance of replying than just saying something closed ended.
Then hopefully when she replies you can follow that up with something else, then it goes on from there.

I've never been in to online dating myself.
Good luck and kind regards

Acatsnohelpwiththat,
I think everyone is taking my reference to 'girls' over 'women' a little too harshly as that is not what is genuinely being implied. And for information- I search within my age group 5 years either side.

But as I have said earlier I posted here for genuine answers as I can clearly see that a message even worded with all good intention can be offending as I have seen in some of the replies.

Mate it's the grammar police on here don't worry about it too much, you'll get used to it.
Apparently I'm sexist because I like to hold the door open for ladies.
Good for you on trying to find a lucky lady.
Like I said it's best to read the profile then definitely ask them a question based on that.
Then hopefully they will reply and the chat will lead on from there.

What online dating service are you using if you don't mind my asking?

Regards

I believe you when you say you're not implying anything but why in your otherwise well articulated post did you think it was ok to use girls any more than you would use, say, birds or dolls or chicks? You don;t have to answer, I am just wondering if any of you have an underlying attitude that puts women off without you realising. Because with the qualities you've listed you shouldn't be short of responses.

Regarding "I have to say if someone posts a picture worthy of a compliment why should you not do that?" - I suppose it depends on the type of person you're trying to attract, and you sound like you want someone with a bit of depth. So why not compliment them on an aspect of their personality rather than looks? Of course looks are important but you can keep that to yourself

Another flag in terms of wording that would put me off is 'to be honest' and 'I have to be honest' - it implies that you are not actually being honest!

I did quite a bit of chatting online before meeting OH and found that a good number of the men I was speaking to took huge offence or were defensive about small things, to the point where I would have been frightened to meet them in person even if they seemed otherwise nice enough.

For example, a man called 'APrincess4Me' copped quite badly when I said that I am not a princess, nor would I want to be treated as anything other than an equal and, initially, a friend. He got nasty very quickly but then sent a lot of messages saying how much he liked it that I 'challenged him intellectually'.

Another chap called 'TallPeter' was very cross indeed that I wasn't free to meet in the middle of the day on a Wednesday because I was at work - he felt this was a personal attack because I thought I was too good for him.

And so on... I was lucky and met someone really nice and didn't have any horrible experiences in person at all but I did spend more time than I wanted to deleting messages that were a bit narky at best and downright misogynist at worst.

If you're not a snippy arsehole ready to win over the laydeez by shouting them down, you're already way ahead of the pack.

Addressing adult women whom you don't personally know as "girls" isn't a grammatical issue, it's just really patronising and would potentially put me on my guard about how the poster views women. I'm your equal and a fellow human being. I just want to be treated as such. It's really not much to ask.

Read the profile and comment on it. Don't comment on her appearance. (If you do date a 'you look lovely' is fine in person..
Don't offer to 'spoil' anyone or as a pp said treat them like a princess.
Don't have a wild age range (say 22 - 45) I would be put off if someone had a huge age range.
If you do communicate and swap numbers don't text repeatedly. For example good morning gorgeous when you haven't even shared a coffee.
Date quickly or not at all.
Those are just for starters. Good luck. If it helps my OH and I met OLD. He read my profile and made reference to it.

Compliment her on what a "smashing blouse" she has on.

Acatsnothelpwiththat,

So in a nutshell, a great deal of us possibly make the initial mistake in how we present ourselves, which is an important point duly noted.

I have always thought I put a great deal of thought into what I write and it seems I am most likely not getting it right!!!

I know I will never mention the word 'girl' again, unless I am 100% sure it is justified or use 'honest' unless in its genuine meaning!

Many thanks to all that have contributed...........