Can time heal

[thebird93]

I really need some help with this one, 7 months on from finding out my husband lied terribly and cheated and continued to hide it all until eventually the other woman contacted me and told all.. its been a real rollercoaster ride since initially finding out in January, fast forward to April the full extent of his lies unfolded. Believe me I was floored! So here I am in July still trying to get past what he did, does it ever get better.

I can't say I'll ever forgive him but right now I'm trying hard to forget. Apparently it's me and our family he wants but I just cannot get past what this man has done to me, is and our little family. I don't see the same man anymore, I see a liar and a cheat, I used to have such respect for my husband but now that has gone. I'm getting on in life so no spring chicken and practically no chance of moving on again. If I'm honest I'm doing this for my children.. we don't argue, I'm nice and everything is 'normal' if there is such a word but deep down I'm dead inside. My zest for life has been replaced with zero confidence and I just feel like I'm in a blur.. will this get better ever?

Sadly it won't heal, you will never be able to trust him again not fully. I know from experience that even though it's fine when you patch things up it never goes away. I suggest you move on sorry OP

Your right I never will trust him or anyone else ever again. His actions have been an embarrassment to me and our family and I just seem to be hiding away trying to block it out. I've only ever told one close friend and even she doesn't know the full extent.

I honestly never believed this could happen to me. I think I was smug to think we were happily married and all was fine. I became a very good detective in January and the stuff I found out are what books are made of! The lies just kept coming, once I had evidence he told more lies.. how can I ever respect a man who could lie to me like that. Now of course I know pretty much everything (as much as I can stomach anyway).. he pretty much loved a double life for almost a year! He's killed the person I once was, I used to be upbeat and confident, now I just get through the day as best I can for the sake of my children.

Cheating sucks

I agree it's a horrific thing. You deserve so much better and will feel a lot better with a new partner

Forgetting isn't possible. Forgiving tends to be achievable in.some cases, but the nature and extent of the betrayal..can make forgiveness near impossible for many betrayed spouses.

Some stay and ensure what's left for practical reasons, but look externally for friendship, support and a social life.

Being intimate with a man you have lost respect for feels like going against your principals.

I also think there's little consequences for the cheater. They have the fun of the affair and still have their family intact without losing any sleep.

Sorry I don't think time can heal in your case because you're dealing with a remorseless cheat. It's not something he got swept up in and felt guilty about, and relief when it all came out, instead he kept lying and lying. Personally I don't think there's any way back from that.

One night stand: perhaps you can get over in some circumstances. Deceipt for a whole year, however, suggests a complete disregard for you, bordering on outright contempt. Not sure you can come back from that, I know I couldn’t. Plus, who is to say it won’t happen again?

Oh I've wondered if he'd be so stupid as to do it again. He claims circumstances lead to the cheating. He was working away, the opportunity arose and he took it. He's remorseful now it's all out but I can't help thinking he's have just carried on had I not turned into a detective! I also think had he continued to work away (he's back home now in the U.K. working) he's have just carried on. He's full of love and kisses and I just couldn't care less now.. he's not the man I married, more a vile lying cheat.

I could walk away but I'm so scared for the future for me and my boys, he holds all the cards financially and half of me doesn't care but there's another side of me that want to make us more financially stable before I find to courage to walk away. As for finding another partner - never again. I have absolutely no interest in giving my heart to anyone else ever again.

I never will trust him or anyone else ever again

Good. This shows you are on the right path to accepting that monogamy really doesn't work.

Your goal now should be to move toward a relationship where honesty prevails and you can both be open about the desire (or lack of!) to have sex with other people.

You can also choose not to have a relationship at all, or a romantic but not sexual relationship with someone who has very low libido, or have a casual FWB who meets your sexual needs.

Personally for the last 10 years I've chosen to be completely upfront with potential partners that I am NOT monogamous by nature and if that's a dealbreaker then so be it.

The first time I was upfront like this I met a great guy. We had some amazing dates and hot sex. When I gave him the "I'm not monogamous" speech after a couple of months, he made it out to be a dealbreaker and basically made me feel like a bit of a slag. So I agreed to "give it my best shot" and actually I did not have any sexual contact with anyone else through the length of our relationship. Turns out he was banging loads of other women and continued doing do throughout our 4-year relationship. Dickhead.

Sadly this seems to be the case all too often, I have considered finding a FWB which I had many moons ago and thoroughly enjoyed. I calmed down, got married and became the dutiful housewife and mother, gave up my career and did as I was told. For what... personally I think all men think with their d*cks and that's just the way it is..!

After my ex and I got divorced and he was living with his ow ( boy did she get the prize) I found about the prostitutes, the dating sites and so forth

That really helped me heal fast 😂

@Dowser I bet... I have a feeling this isn't the first time. He just happened to get caught. It now happens to transpire he did this to his first wife and she got shot of him. Hmm wished I'd known then!

@Tinkeringbythesea you could be right a lot of what you have said is pretty much the same here. I love him and hate him depending on my mood. But it's affecting me.. I was a strong willed person, corporate girl with a good future.. he's taken the wind from my sails somewhat! Now I'm a stay at home mother with two boys both diagnosed with autism genetics pass d on from him - his son from a previous marriage also has autism. How the feck have I ended up here.. I sometimes wonder what I've done to deserve this. Why am I hanging on.. financially the money is his side.. I hate him inside though and I doubt that will ever change

@Tinkeringbythesea it sounds like you are going through "hysterical bonding."

Sorry @Tinkeringbythesea my post came across more abruptly than I intended. Do you think time will heal?

@thebird93 have you decided what you want to do?

It's still very early days for you, I'm 18 months since finding out about OW, I can now say I'm happy and do not think about him/them much. I've been divorced coming up a year. I got through with support from family, friends and a good therapist.

Everyone's different, only you will know if you can live with this or move on without him. If you do leave him, you will get back your happiness and confidence and you are never to old to move on. We only get one life, you don't want to look back later if life with regrets. Take you time and talk to friends or on MN, lots of good advice here X

Look, he doesn't hold the financial cards. Why are you (either of you) staying with a man you hate. Look at the coats protection league threads. See what you have to do before you leave - there's a lot. Then just bugger off.

I was in a similar situation, 9 months ago. I'm going to do fine out of the settlement. The courts take a lot into account.

Fuck this shit.

OP, I feel your pain. that said it's not just men who do this. There's plenty of women who do the same - I think I read somewhere that now women are more independent infidelity between genders is roughly reaching a 50:50 split.

Not sure what cheating women are thinking with, mind.

Sorry you ladies are in this situation. You both deserve much better. I know how hard it is to come to terms with the deceit.

I was with ex 4 years and he cheated. Left for a bit but I forgave him. We got past it. Only for it to happen again 9 years later.

I thought I was playing a good game for him and the family. But his behaviour towards me got worse and I guess the resentment showed no matter how hard I tried. I didn't want to blow the family apart.

The fall out has been really hard and still early days. But I know deep down his behaviour couldn't go on. He clearly didn't want to be with me anymore and a younger bendier model fell for his bull shit. I know this will be a blessing further down the line.

Do what you need to do, but know you do have options.