I feel like there is always a shadow over my relationship with my partner. (I am calling him partner rather than bf as we're engaged to be married, although we don't live together, but all plans to move in together as soon as possible, circumstances permitting).
He has a female friend. Now I have no problem whatsoever with this per se. I know that he knew her about a year before he knew me. From what I can gather, they met during a rough time in her life and he gave her a lot of support. He tells me that he did "have a thing" for her then but nothing ever happened as she didn't feel the same. Apparently when he told her he had met me though, her reaction was somewhat explosive and she as good as said she was interested in him.
This didn't bother me either at the time although I thought it a bit odd that he laughed it off, personally if I'd have been him I would have hoped my friend would be happy for me and slightly annoyed that they weren't.
Then one night more or less at the beginning of our relationship, when he was staying over with me she phoned him in the early hours. He didn't answer it but I was a bit miffed when the next day he told me she had contacted him since and had just wanted a chat?.at 1.30am? It had caused a row, not a huge row but still spoilt our time together (which is few and far between, we don't see each other very often due to distance). He said he had told her this and it wouldn't happen again. But it has, over and over again, nearly every time we have seen each other in fact. Apparently she wont contact him for weeks when he's at home, and then suddenly he will get the phone call when he's staying with me. My opinion was that she obviously knows when he's with me, (pretty regular arrangement) knows it will cause a row and still does it. Every call seems perfectly timed. Seems she's either doing it to purposely cause trouble or simply doesn't care if it does.
He doesn't agree, doesn't think she would do anything like that. Its worse that he will never answer the phone and tell her he's with me, it makes me think he has something to hide. I told him this. The last time she did it I made him answer the phone and although he told her he was with me she still carried on chattering away and didn't seem to want him to go. (Then phoned back 5 minutes later). He always has his phone on his person and hides it at night.
I don't for one minute think they are up to anything physical, they are hundreds of miles away from each other. But I feel like he has no respect for my feelings whatsoever. She is his golden girl and anything I say is shrugged off. He constantly sticks up for her, wont give me any explanation as to why its acceptable for her to keep doing this "its complicated", clams up when I try to explain how I feel. He's quick to cast a disapproving eye on a lot of things I do yet even when he's told me he's pissed off with her for keep ringing, he says nothing to her about it. I heard the way he talks to her when he answered the phone that once. I understand that he isn't going to tell me about her life, that's none of my business and I wouldn't want or expect him to break a confidence but this has been going on for nearly a year.
The pair of them are making me feel like shit. Like I am nothing. Not important enough for anyone to respect my feelings. I feel like they are sniggering behind my back.
All I asked was this: that he asked her not to call when he was with me, not because of who she is but because we don't get to spend a lot of time together. (My friends are mostly female and without my having to ask, they don't call me when he's here, they respect our privacy). I don't think this is an unreasonable request. She has all week, every week to call him.
He is hypocritical I feel. I have been accused several times of being "up to something" (not in those exact words but he questions my whearabouts a lot) just because he's rung and for whatever reason I haven't answered the phone (bathing kids, went to shop, in the bath), and yet its ok for his friend to ring him at any given hour, no matter where or what he's doing?
(During a disagreement this weekend, I told him to ring her and sort it out. His reply "no, her bf is there and it will cause an argument between them"). WTF?
He doesn't seem to realise that this is chipping away at our relationship, that every time it happens just makes it worse. I have been extremely depressed of late, have a lot of other problems going on. I feel terrible 90% of the time but he doesn't seem to take it seriously. He has lots of sympathy for his friend though, whatever is happening in her life.
I've always thought that friends should come first but this is too much, surely when its starting to affect a relationship then some sort of compromise should be reached?
I didn't post this in AIBU because I'm feeling a little too fragile at the moment to be slapped with harsh replies of the pull yourself together type. So be gentle.
I don't want to be called a doormat, because I'm anything but and he puts up with a lot from me, and he's also a very good man who does a lot for me. Its just on this one issue we seem to have locked horns. No slating of him or her please. I have nothing against her at all, i have no reason to, but why would she want to keep phoning him when he's with me?
If i'm the one with the problem, please tell me.
and thank you for reading this far