does my mother try to make me feel like s***t on purpose or is it just the way she is?

[divastrop]

i think this may be a long rant.

my mum lives 350 miles from me so i dont see her often.she is visiting this weekend and ,although i did try to clean the house before she arrived,i didnt do a very good job as i have an 11 week old and a 17 month old at home all the time(i also have a nearly 4 yr old,and 8yr old and a 9yr old).my dp kept telling me not to worry and obsess about it,but i knew my mum would comment,and she has.
she asked me why i hadnt cleaned behind the toaster(apparently there were mouldy crumbs there),she went on about me not emptying the wast paper bin in the living room,and had made various snide comments about other things since shes been here.

ive been quite tired recently,as im on ad's for PND and i changed tablets and the new ones made me really sleepy(ive changed back now),and dp thinks i should rest when the lo's are asleep in the day,or at least come on here and have a coffee rather than trying to clean etc.but when i sit down during the day i feel guilty thinking of all the things i should be doing.

my 2 eldest children(especially ds1) take the complete p**s when my mumis here,cos she gives in to their whinging and she ignores me when i tell them off(eg-ds2 was in the kitchen earlier,he isnt allowed in the kitchen atall,so i told him to get out but my mum was in there and carried on talking to him as though i hadnt said anything).the result is i end up with 3 children who wont listen to a word i say,if dp tells them off they run to their nanny acting all hard done by,and bith me and dp end up getting stressed and snapping at each other.

my mother also keeps talking about my xh,and how ds2 has got a half brother somewhere,what a shame he wont know him blah blah.she also keeps asking if my older 2's father has been in touch,even though she know ive told him to go through a solicitor if he wants contact.both my x's were violent and abusive towards me,and i dont like being reminded of them,it makes me feel bad.

i was starting to feel better after being really bad with depression for a few weeks,but noe i feel like crap again.why does my mum have to be so nasty?

sorry,i know this is really long

sorry i cant be any help about your mum but your dp sounds lovely!!!! if you ever start ranting about him i will come and take him from you and do people really clean behind toasters anyway, i cant remember ever doing behind mine i just run the cloth along the work top in front of it

Mine does that sometimes.

She makes me feel like I'm exaggerating the point where I've hung up on her.

The last time was when she questioned my daughter's disability. As if a bunch of paeds, her nursery teachers, several HVs and her speech and occupational therapists all think we're exaggerating and making it up. I'm sure that's why they got us that DLA application and helped me fill it out.

And don't get me started on my sister's visit last week to the 'Office of Homeland Security' to get their passports - complete with gestapo arresting a man for doing nothing but complain about the 10 hour wait.

I warned her about that for years and she thought I was 'exaggerating'.

What will it take, Mama?

Never mind, I don't fucking care anymore.

Then she wonders why I 'keep stuff' from her.

just thinking next time your mum comes for a visit leave her with your brood and head out for the day, see how much she gets done when looking after half a football team.

lol-i did rant about him a few weeks ago but it was when i was very very depressed and i thought somebody was going to steal himas i was having a paranoid episode.

oops put my foot in it, then again i would try and steal any man who told me to rest when i can or sit on the computer with a coffee.

Does your mother know that you're on ADs for PND?
If not, she might realise that her support would be really helpful to you.
If so, she doesn't sound very caring.

I'm so glad you've got a lovely DP.

expat-when my ds1 was being assessed for ASD (on the recomendation of his teachers)my mum said there was nothing wrong with him,the way he is is because of the 'things he's seen in his life,poor little sod'

Oh, yes, diva, I've gotten 'there's nothing wrong with her' many a time.

Oh, okay. That's why she's 2 and not walking. 4 and can't tell you when she's done a poor, has speech and other motor skills delays, etc.

yes she knows im on ad's.she reckons they are a load of crap cos she tried them once and they made her feel worse.she took them for 10 days.

lovemybed-he tells me to do that so i wont ask him to help me with anything.and cos he cant relax when im running around on a cleaning mission.he is wonderful,but he's not a saint

Diva, it sounds more as though she just doesnt't have any understanding (personally or otherwise) of your situation rather than she is being deliberately hurtful.

Agree she is very tactless mentioning xh and half-brother though. I would mention this if I were in your situaion.

Many children will act up for a grandparent or someone similar. And they know they will be indulged by them too. It's only for a few days every so often - I wouldn't worry about that side of things tbh.

Hi there,
I'm sorry you are going through such a bad time at the moment, with caring for 5 kids and having pnd etc, thankfully you have a lovely caring dp, so he's there as a rock for you.
As for the house work - S-T-U-F-F I-T !!
You can clean the house for the rest of your life when your kids have all grown up, if you want to. Personally, I live in a pig sty, and I don't care who knows it!The only time I clean the house is when I feel a bit guilty when it's really, really, really bad, and that's because I'm worried that visitors will start wiping their feet on their way out!! That's only very rarely though, so dh and me call it our 'annual cleaning day'!!
Honestly don't worry about it, look after yourself and your little family, as thats what matters most. I remember when I had just returned home from hospital with one of the kids and the HV told me to stop worrying about the house, and to enjoy the kids instead........you should do the same!
As for your mother, have you spoken to her about how you feel, would she understand? As she lives so far away from you, suppose she can't help you much, but surely her attitude at the moment is no help to you whatsoever.
Maybe you should phone her or even write to her if you can get it out better on paper or email?
I wonder if she knows how you feel and is nervous about it - and that's why she reacts this way, strange I know, but sometimes we do react in strange ways when we dont' know what to say?
From what you say, her attitude would be enough to cause pnd on a virgin !(sorry!!)
I wonder if you could benfit from the help of 'sure start' etc, to hep you a little bit around the house, shopping , stay in your house with the kids while you have a rest etc.?
In the meantime, if you are unable to talk to your mother, maybe your dp could?
Look after yourself and get whatever help is available to you.

Diva
Yes! We are living in parallel universes - apparently, I can 'just snap out' of my PND.

I should win an Oscar for my acting abilities, because I apparently exaggerate so much I've been able to convince a number of doctors that I've got depression - because we all know what a desirable condition this is to have.

What's funny is that I couldn't act to save my life, I've got a memory like a sieve so learning lines would be out.

Diva she sounds like a right cow. I wouldn't expect anyone with an 11-week-old to do the cleaning, let alone you with 4 other children and PND - you're doinf absolutely heroically to have done anything. I'd tell her straight up you welcome her visiting if she is coming to be supportive - otherwise you'll have to think twice about having her to stay until you feel more on top of things. I suppose it's possible she's not doing it deliberately. So when she says something nasty, you could spell it out - "you are criticising my cleaning but I'm doing my best, I have 5 kids including a newborn, and am very tired, I would wecome your understanding and help, but criticising me is not making me feel good."

See but whenever I try staying stuff like that to my mother, she starts tutting and sighing, which pisses me off even more and so I end up just asking her not to come around.

Then she goes and tells her friends and even my ILs about how I 'didn't want them there'.

Not if you're going to be a prize BITCH, I don't!

I've gone long periods without speaking to her aside from the bare minimum.

So, diva, if you've got a supportive partner, this might be the time to tell her, 'You make me feel like shit about myself, so in the interest of my mental health, let's take a break from each other for a bit.'

diva, your mum is a nightmare. my mum is a nightmare but I've told he in no uncertain terms to stop her crappo behaviour. She wants to see my kids so knows she has to behave.
You are a grown up with 5 children. You are an adult, it's your house and YOU are in charge. You're not a little girl being told off . Take charge Diva, you'll feel loads better for it. She might well storm off, but she'll come back and she'll be better behaved next time I bet.

Diva! Youve got an 11 week old AND other children and your mother is muttering about crumbs behind the toaster. Sorry, but shes mad. I mean thats a real personality disorder. She sounds envious of you. Ive been reading a lot about why people in our lives, especially mothers and MILs and about why they bully us. The two main reasons are envy and contempt. In the real world, this is what your mum would have said "Oh, poor love, youve just had a baby, is there anything you need me to do or bring? Can I do your cleaning for you? Take the kids out to give you a break to be with your newborn? You must be exhausted." NO thats not idealistic. That is normal behaviour for someone who expects the respect and entitlement of a mother.
And undermining you in front of your kids is really beyond.
THere is a long ongoing thread about mothers (my mother has cut me out of her life)., You might find some useful pieces of information on there about dealing with your mother in a way that suits you, and a way that your conscience (sp) will allow.

Diva, next time she comes to visit, hand her a duster and ask her to give you a hand with the housework.
Coping with a newborn and 4 other kids while coming to terms with PND, sounds like you have enough on your plate without having to put up with your nasty mum.
Tell her not to come around if she can't be pleasant to you, or just open both ears wide and let her snide comments flow right through.

Diva I am forever nagging my 15 year old to tidy his room, and it sounds like your mother still sees you as a child and you are not.
It's a shame that the relationship becomes so difficult then because I'm sure your mum does love you in her own aukward way.

I agree with Kitty that when you feel able, firmly asserting yourself could be the way to go.

My mother also misbehaves at times and it drives me mad, then one of my sisters tells her off and she gets all upset. Family life can be so tricky at times!

expat-yes i think we have the same mother!i know that if i say anything she'll go off in a sulk and slag me off to the rest of the family rather than actually confronting me.its always been the same,when i was a child she would go all quiet and sniff disaprovingly at regular intervals rather than just tell me off for whatever i'd done wrong.i spent most of my childhood trying to figure out what i'd done wrong this time,and what i'd come up with in my imagination was always 10 times worse than the reality(hence my current paranoia issues).

i stood up to her about 3 years ago,and was assertive,and it felt good,but atm im feeling bad in myself and im back to being a naughty 14 year old.she keeps making snide comments about smoking(i cut down to one fag a day when i was preg but im back up to 10 now due to stress etc).in the past i used to try and hide the fact that i smoked,but the result was i would be very narky and she would then start saying i was horrible and mad.

anyway,i think im as much to blame as her really,as i allow her to say these things to me rather than standing up for myself.im just scared of her going off in a sulk and claiming im stopping her seeing her grandchildren,it wouyldnt be fair on the kids.

Diva - I can't suggest anything as my whole family are mad and I've never been able to crack getting them to behave themselves!!

families really have the knack of kicking where it hurts!

Its just as well she lives 350 miles away isn't it?

You could suggest she does something to help though instead of criticising you when you've got your hands full. e.g. why doesn't she clean the kitchen to help you out, rather than pointing out the crumbs?

I remember when I was 8 months PG with DD and really busy hosting a party. UI was struggling to move some chairs and my Dad turned up, plonks himselve down and says "where is my tea and cake then?"

I think my reply was quite colourful!!