Should I say anything to my sis? *Trigger warning*

[Flowerpowered]

I got married 1 year ago and my DH's relative was there. He is an older man and does make sexual jokes/comments and goodbye "hugs" which have made me and other women feel very uncomfortable. I dismissed him as a dirty old man but something a bit more sinister has emerged.

Yesterday I discovered that 20 years ago he was basically accused of molesting a 15 year old girl. Police did not get involved, but the facts, that no one disputes, is that he hugged a 14 year old girl in a game of Truth or Dare. The girls father saw this, went mad asking why a 55 year old man was hugging a teen as part of a dare. No official complaint was made but there was a friendship rift.

There are 2 things that are bothering me. Firstly my 7 year old niece was at my wedding and though I never saw this man interact with my niece I am wondering whether to say something to my DSis about this man and his history considering he was around her daughter. I have spoken to a childcare expert who said I may be panicking my sister with no good cause. But I presume she would want to know. I must say there has been no suggestion at all anything untoward happened at my wedding, my niece seems absolutely fine and I will ensure thus man is NEVER around my niece again. But I am wondering whether to say something and give my sis full information?

Secondly I have a 4 month old DD which this relative had been around. Again no evidence of anything inappropriate but I feel uncomfortable having anyone young and female around this person.

What would you do in my shoes?

Sorry if this subject upsets anyone.

I wouldn’t worry you’re sister unnecessarily.

Just keep your niece from him in future.

I think you're hugely overreacting. A 15 year old girl's dad didn't like this man's behaviour and doesn't want anything more to do with him. Fair enough. Unlikely to be enough for a police complaint, but understandable if the dad and the girl didn't want to have him around any more. But it's a massive, massive leap to move from that to label him a paedophile who would be a risk to a 7 year old or a tiny baby.....

Is the sinister thing you found, the thing about the hug?

Quite honestly, what are you going to say to your sister?

Why terrify her because your niece and he was in the same room at some point.

I do think there is a pattern of inappropriate behaviour from this man. I have seen him make suggestive comments to teenage waitresses even grabbing one by the arm and literally spinning her round to admire her outfit. So this old allegation fits into that pattern.

At my wedding he was given a central role and was one of the only relatives of my DH. So people would have noticed him. Hence why I am thinking of saying something but yes it may be an over reaction on my part

I find older men who prey on teenagers vile but I really would not leap from that to thinking that 7 year olds and babies were at risk

He was sat at the same table as my sis and her family I should add.

Genuine question...does hugging come under molesting?

You’re being slightly ott.

I would just mention it to your sister. Just say to her that he seems to have a bit of a reputation and that she should just be cautious if her daughter is ever around him.

I find older men who prey on teenagers vile but I really would not leap from that to thinking that 7 year olds and babies were at risk

Agreed.

Shortstuff

I think if it is touching for your own sexual gratification then it counts as molestation.

I think if it is touching for your own sexual gratification then it counts as molestation

I googled it, which is by no means conclusive, but the definition stated

assault or abuse (a person, especially a woman or child) sexually.

But you don't know if this man got sexual gratification out of it. Also, not sure it would be assault or abuse.

What you know is, that he hugged a teenager and her dad wasn't happy.

Starting spreading it round that he was accused of molesting a child and warning people whose children may have been somewhere in the vicinity of him, is not sensible. This could land you in hot water.

That's why I said "accused". It was an accusation.

But he wasnt accused of molesting her. I put accused in my post. The dad felt he behaved inappropriately. That's what he was accused of.

But throwing the word molesting in there isn't accurate or helpful and is likely to panic people.

What you know is that he acts inappropriately around women and female teens. Jumping to being a paedophile is a big leap and warning people he may have had chance to hurt their dd, is over the top.

Perhaps mention in passing to your sister you don't like how he behaved and leave it there.

Waaaay OTT

I wouldn't want to worry your sister

Shortstuff

I get your point and take on board what you have said.

I wouldn't worry your sister. He was accused of something, but it wasn't taken further than that and you really have no idea what happened (it could have been much worse that the story you've been told or it could have been nothing, you'll never know).

We have a family member who has been convicted of sexually abusing a child. Like went to prison and the sexual abuse was serious enough that there was dna evidence linking him to being the one who did it. This happened before the person married into our family and it was hidden from family members with children (including us), so that he could have contact with our children. THAT is something to speak up about! I wish the family members who knew had done that and not actively conspired to keep it a secret. We have no reason to believe our dc were harmed. They had close physical contact, but never unsupervised (not that that means anything, but I have no reason to believe they were harmed). But this man also was around our friends' children at birthday parties (supervised, obviously, as we and their parents were there). Even with that, I haven't told friends about it, I mean, other than the ones I've freaked out with about this happening in our family and needing a friend to talk to about our own situation. There's no reason to believe they need to know, but I would warn them if ever they were to come in contact with him again - which won't happen as we are NC as a result.

If you think your niece will have unsupervised contact with him in the future, maybe mention it, but otherwise I think it's probably making something out of nothing unless you find out more.

The man has never interacted with your niece that you're aware of, and never will, so there's no benefit to telling your sister.

As others have said, it is a big jump from his behaviour to assuming he is attracted to pre-pubescent children. Why would he be around your DC anyway, I assume DH realises he is a creep too and has similar concerns?

I’d go along the route of a general conversation about dangers and creepy people.

Sorry to hear about your situation mindutopia and thank you for sharing. It really does help.