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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is he doing?

17 replies

SMJYellow · 11/07/2018 08:57

I live at home with my mother and one brother. Things at home turned for the worst last year. My brothers attitude was just absolutely disgusting. There's very little conversation from him. He speaks sometimes but rarely. When he does speak, its a grunt.

He very rarely helps at home with other jobs and duties. For instance, he has a car and he could help our mother once in a while by taking her to do a group shop. He used to help before but he's withdrawn that. That job is on my back all the time. I don't have a car so it's online groceries, which is another drain on my bank account. He doesn't pay towards bills.

Another job that had to be done over the past few months was the cutting of the lawn which he turned his back to there. It's completely overgrown. If we were to get a gardener in, it will be another bill costing 100s because of the state of it. A bill for me and our mothers backs, something my brother would be more than delighted to.

He's 27. He works full time. He goes out regularly with his friends where it might take him a day or two to return. His hangovers aren't normal either. It's like he goes into a depression, staying in bed all the time. If he rises, for food, he's nearly heartbroken and starts slamming things and doors to cupboards around the kitchen. A regular occurrence is losing his belongings on nights out, having to replace his mobile phone and e cigarette often.

Twice since May, he came home - drink driving.

I reckon there is more than alcohol involved.

Something happened this week. We will call him brother C.

Brother A lives abroad. He came home this week with his partner and child. Brother C fell over himself to help brother A. Ringing in sick into work to go to the airport to meet and greet them.

I would have loved to have gone to the airport but I couldn't. Our mother was the same. She wanted to go too but couldn't. She said she will allow brother A and partner and child to settle in and visit.

Brother C met brother A at the airport and eventually they parted because they were going separate ways.

Brother C, for the past week, before brother A's departure, happened to find his words and speak to our mother saying things like
'you will have to go and visit them and provide granny duties'.

Going by what brother C is saying, he nearly expects to pack a bag and move to where brother A is, for weeks on end.

My mother isn't one bit happy with what is being expected of her. Give up everything here to provide a granny service with free childcare. She will have no problem visii and helping but packing things up entirely at home.

Brother C (this is the one who lives at home) he rang home after meeting brother A, to tell our mother that A is mad at her for not meeting them at the airport and giving granny duties a.s.a.p. Right now, right this week.

A rang our mother yesterday and there wasn't an issue. He was very calm on the phone. He's looking forward to seeing our mother and me, whenever we can make it. Aside from that, there was no issue.

Brother C is the only one with expectations of our mother to give up her life and give granny duties. It looks to me as if he wants our mother, just gone and out from the house.

I'm gobsmacked and sick to my stomach at the greed and the selfishness from brother C and this is a whole new low from him.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/07/2018 09:01

This all sounds very familiar.
Is there any way you can move out?
You don't need all this crap.

ShatnersWig · 11/07/2018 09:07

@hellsbellsmelons It is is very familiar. I recognise the OP too. She has had umpteen threads about this weird family dynamic, constantly moaning about useless brother, how the OP pays everything and the brothers pay nothing, should she move out (but I can't afford to), etc etc

MrBig1 · 11/07/2018 09:18

Why cant your mum look after her own? Why doesnt she chase him for jobs? Do either of you pay her rent? Where is your dad in all this?!
Move out or suck it up.

MrBig1 · 11/07/2018 09:19

And he doesnt pay because he can. Because nothing happens of severe enough consequence to make him fear not. You dont sound like you like or respect each other. I couldnt live like that.

ShatnersWig · 11/07/2018 09:20

@MrBig1 We've been telling the OP for over a year to move out. It ain't happening. Getting to the point I think they just like the fact it gives them stuff to come and moan about on MN.

HilaryBriss · 11/07/2018 09:20

Your mum needs to kick brother C out of her house for starters and then you also need to find your own place. Nothing will ever change until these two things happen.

MrBig1 · 11/07/2018 09:22

See ive not come across this one before here but seen threads being repeated.

Op in this case id journal instead because nobody will come and sort your life out for you or take the risks on your behalf. If you need to vent get a diary.

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/07/2018 09:42

Yeah, I agree with MrBig, OP. You live in Ireland, I think? And you complain regularly about your brother living at home and your mother facilitating his laziness. But if you aren't prepared to DO anything about it, then this is just going to go on and on.

Your mother is capable of saying 'no'. She just doesn't. Don't be the next generation like that. Get out. Although you say you can't afford to, it's got to be cheaper than coughing up your brother's part of the rent every month. If you're so worried about your mum not being able to afford to live, take her with you! The pair of you move out and get somewhere together, leave your selfish feckless brother to fester.

itbemay · 11/07/2018 11:36

Why don't you speak to brother A with your concerns about brother C and get his take on it? maybe he could have a word with him whilst he is over?

Aussiebean · 11/07/2018 11:43

Reads like there is a lot of resentment and zero communication between anyone.

Your mother needs to talk to brother A.

You need to work out what you are willing to do and contribute to the house, state it to everyone, stick by it or move out.

You mother needs to decide what she is happy to have happen in her house. Communicate it to everyone, and if it is not met then she can tell people to leave.

Nobody seems to be talking to anybody about what they want and will put up with and the resentment is growing.

SMJYellow · 11/07/2018 12:42

I hope to speak to brother A whenever I get a chance. Right now, wouldn't be very suitable with jet lag and all that.

Brother A is due to call next week and he will see the state of the house then, with the grass not done and overgrown. He will more than likely ask what is he brother C doing to help at home. Brother A and Brother B (also living abroad) they were always great at helping around the house when they were living at home.

I have pictures on my phone from the June bank holiday weekend of our mother out in the lawn bending over cutting weeds. Another weekend where brother C decided to spend the weekend boozing and losing his belongings instead of helping at home/cutting the grace.

It's this latest thing from brother C that has me completely bewildered. He wants our mother to give up her source of income here and pack her bags and go to brother A and provide granny duties (in his words). Why is he hell-bent at getting rid of our mother out from the family home?

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 11/07/2018 13:25

And you were photographing her rather than helping because? The whole situation sounds batshit.

SMJYellow · 11/07/2018 14:04

I was inside doing jobs. The house was quite and I didn't know where my mam was. I thought maybe she was out for a walk. I went into the front room of the house and saw her out the window.

I was so fed up with my brt not helping and having another weekend to himself boozing, I snapped a quick picture of our mother with her back bent over the weeds so that I could so my brothers in Australia, the situation that's at home. I took one picture of our mam and one picture of the overgrown grass that was growing past the windows at that stage. The snapping up of two pictures took less than a minute, then I went out and asked if she needed any help and I grabbed the spare clippers.

OP posts:
MiggledyHiggins · 11/07/2018 14:10

This is literally nothing to do with you so I'm not sure why you want to shoehorn yourself into the middle of the row between your brothers and your mother.

Your mother raised selfish arseholes by pandering to anyone with a penis in your family for decades. She reaps what she sows here - ungrateful misogynistic selfish financially abusive wankers. You've posted online for years here and elsewhere expecting your brothers to be anything other than they every were, and ever have been. You need to realise they will never change and you cant' change this situation. Ever.

You cannot change your brother(s). You cannot undo what your mother has created. Your mother will not kick her Prince out, nor will she ever put a stop to his freeloading and abusive behaviour. She will never stand up to their entitlement that she is little more than a home appliance and by extension, you as their sister are one too.

She even treats you and your sister so poorly and abusively herself all your lives in favour of her Golden boys. I'm guessing that as your mother becomes increasingly more unable for the household/ garden tasks she's decided they fall to you now because you are the female and therefore her successor to her life of miserable thankless drudgery and naturally you are seeing the injustice of your brother not pulling his weight. But as she wont' kick him out, and wont ever as him to help physically or financially you've two choices: suck it up or leave them to it.

Oldraver · 11/07/2018 14:36

Frankly the whole set up sounds batshit...you really let the grass grow so high, rather than cut it yourself or your mother, (is she incapable ?. Yes your DB should be doing things to help but I cant see why you let this happen.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 11/07/2018 14:59

You seem like you just want to dictate to your brothers and as though you think they should just do as you sat. Stop shoving yourself in between people just to make a point about how amazing you are and brother A isn’t (btw, it sounds like you’re describing a monestary with all this brother A etc) and if you don’t like the dynamic, move. End of.

beanaseireann · 15/07/2018 14:34

I'm with Miggledy Higgins on this OP.
Your DM has reaped what she sowed but you, unfortunately, have to live with it
Move out.
It's the only way.
Where is your father/ dad of brothers ?
Try and get Brother A onside so he can talk to the lazy, drunken Brother C.
You can tell I have experienced similar.

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