Do men feel emotional pain of a break up later or at all?

[HiyaCath]

Just went through a break up after finding out my long term partner was cheating. He seems so happy go lucky when I see him. I'm rock bottom and feel sick every day. How can they move on and not look back? I want to know as I'd give anything to ease this pain. Do they feel it later?

All men are not the same, oddly enough.

Yeah I know sorry. Shouldn't have worded it like that. People that seem cold and not looking back, did it all mean nothing or is it a wall?

I think, for the most part, us men are able to switch emotion on and off like a switch where one night stands, short casual flings and non-monogamous setups are concerned but, after a long-term relationship with just you, it is quite likely that your ex has similar feelings - he's just been conditioned from birth to hide and suppress them.

A lot of men are taught not to deal with feelings, but to minimize and ignore them. Unless he is a psychopath, rest assured he is feeling it, or he will feel it later when you have moved on. It is healthy to grieve a lost relationship. You need to feel your pain and heal. But in any case focus on your own well being rather than his moving on.

In all honesty, if he was cheating on you then maybe the relationship ended for him a long time ago which is why he appears to be dealing with it pretty well. I hope you get over your heartbreak soon and are able to move on and find someone better.

So just sweeping the feelings under a rug in a way? I feel like I would implode at some point if I did that.

@Barefoot he met someone at work a month ago and seems to be infatuated with her and has moved out.

Hiyacath there's a good chance the infatuation won't last. When the thrill of the chase gets boring he may well come crawling back. Don't let him. If he can do it once he can do it again. Be strong.

I think men sweat the logistical stuff like where to live & the financial implications rather than the emotional side in a break up. Obviously not saying all however, that’s from my experience

Well he was cheating so he had checked out of the relationship already. So he probably isn't feeling any pain about it. Or he's just a typical man and is hiding it like most do. They will be feeling sad about it, but they do hide it well. Just your ex might not be because of the circumstances.

As PP has said - he's probably fine with his decision now, because he's spent time considering it, and made peace with it already.

You're only now having the chance to thing through the implications etc.

I don't think this is necessarily a man thing - if a woman spends time considering whether to cheat/end a relationship, then ultimately decides to, the man impacted will likely have a similar period of grieving/processing...

People who cheated do feel the pain. Everyone has a shred of conscience and the feeling that you did a bad thing to someone can severely dent your self-respect. That I can say from a personal experience.

He's left and he's having all the fun, a new woman to shag and impress.

You are left with the remnants of the old life, just with a big hole in it where he used to be. It's easier to shrug things off when everything has changed for you and harder when you are the one who has to live with the reminders.

It won't last. Infatuation dies, or is killed by real life, bills and illness and arguments. THAT is when it will kick in for him and he'll realise what he's lost. At present he's got a new, distracting toy.

That's really bloody sad.

I've been a bit infatuated with people at work but I wouldn't gamble a relationship on it.

Wasted 9 years of my life.

The person who initiates the break up is always going to recover quicker from it- they don't wake up one day and have things change. They have more control. Plus, of course, it's what they want. Sometimes it's more nuanced and very painful for both.

I think if he was cheating, he has probably rationalised the whole thing in his head pretty well. If he grieves for the relationship he also has to feel guilty, which he probably wants to avoid. It may "hit him" a little when he ends things with the new woman (assuming that comes to an end, which is likely in the near ish future). He'll feel self pity and embarrassment then, probably.

Not to do with men in any real generalizable way, IMO/E. I'm a woman but very emotionally private/removed/not very expressive. That doesn't mean I don't feel the same emotions as other people do, although I do suspect I don't to the same extent in some ways. Every man I've broken up with from being a teenager to now has been way more "emotional" than me. Although I think that's because in most cases they'd cheated or done something equally arsey so maybe were putting on the water works a little bit.

Exactly, the one who dumps you has all the control and also an exciting new relationship.

The men I've known who've had their heart broken were just as miserable as anyone else.

Even though they're moving onto something new and exciting, it must sting a bit that you had to tread on someone to get that happiness?

So they can live with themselves, they have to convince themselves that it was all perfectly justified and for the best.

Yeah that makes sense @ravenmum

I don't think Tarzan people really feel much. They've latched on to the next one before letting go of the current one. It's just a transition and not a break-up. Sub in a new one and sub out an old one. Avoids feeling pain and a sense of loss. He may have already been mentally breaking up with you in his head for months now so when this new woman came along he was open-minded to a switch.