Need to let it all out

[mummytastic]

Just what it says in the title really! I need to get some stuff about my relationship with dp off my chest before I explode.

Dp and I have been together for approx 5 years. We had wuite a turbulent start to our relationship and it has always had it's ups and downs. We have dd who is one and who we both love dearly.

I've got loeads of niggly issues with dp that I feel are just grinding away at me. If I try to raise them, no matter how tactfully, then dp seems to think that I'm "having a go" at him.

I work long hours and I feel that dp needs to take on more of a role in caring for dd and also,more importantly, that he should want to do this. I feel that he can take care of her immediate needs for very short periods of time but he seems to find it impossible to care for her for a full day when I'm at work and he is off. He always ends up taking her to his parents house and leaving her their whilst he "does stuff". I've no objection to him taking dd to see her gps but I feel that she spends enought time in the care of others as it is and that when either of us is off work we should look after her. He refuses to try to do activities with her like taking her for a walk, taking her to the park or swimming. He also seems to be unable to consider her longer term needs without prompting by me, ie ensure that she has veg prepared for the next day or that she has clean clothes.

My next issue is money. I earn far more than dp and although he is trying to increase his income at work, and so far is being quite successful at it, he still does not really contribute to the household in a regular way. All of the bills etc come from my account, dp gives me cash intermittently from his account where his salary goes.I have no idea where his cash seems to go each month.

I feel like dp puts his needs, eg for a lie in/night out with his mates, above mine and dd's needs for a family life.

Today I have been at work all day, just like I was yesterday and Friday. I spoke to dp at 4.30 and he said that dd seemed whingy and that he was going to give her her tea. i rang the house several times from then till now and also dp's mobile with no reply. Finally ring his parent's house and he is there, his parent's took dd to a party at their neighbours house . I explained that I miss dd and him when I'm at work and that I really wish he had texted me to let me know that she was ok and they had gone out but he seems to think that I'm being unreasonable for asking this.

I'm sick of being tearful and feeling like I can't discuss how I feel without in some way antagonising dp .

I can't imagine anyone's managed to wade through all of that but if you have, thanks.

Reminds me of our house.
Is it just a male thing do you think? Its just that my dh is the same.

Perhaps it is a male ego thing? You earn far more, and you're more competent with DD; maybe he's sulking slightly and deliberately behaving in a childish manner because it's the only thing he can do better than you!

To be a devil's advocate - maybe you should try backing off a bit over what he does when you're not there. The rule in our house is that whoever is looking after the kids gets to decide what happens, and the other person butts out. It saves irritation all round.

He's obviously a bit unsure of whether he's able to look after your daughter, and probably feels reassured when he's with his parents.

Try to hang back on the criticism, and address the small, practical things - like preparing food for the next day - more directly. Tell him, at the beginning of the day (or leave a note), 'Please prepare DD's veg for tomorrow'.

Poor you!

I'm not sure what to say although you might feel better if you could maybe decrease the amount of hours you are doing now that your dp is starting to make good money?

I know this wouldn't help with your dp but it may stop you feeling guilty about her being with someone else on yours and his time off if she's spending more time with you. I was very tearful round about this age with my ds, he seemed to be getting so sociable and I wanted to spend more time with him.

Also try making a real effort with family time you have together, I have 2 dc's now and realize its not as exciting for him as being in the pub with his mates watching football unless we try and do something exciting when we're both off together.

Hope you get through it x

Thanks to those of you who replied to me yesterday. I think things were judst getting on top of me a bit.

We had a nice day together today, we didn't do anything exciting but we were together and had fun. I can see that my dp probably enjoys looking after dd more when I'm around and I know that he does do a good job of caring for her even if he doesn't always do things in the way that I do.

Reducing my hours is not an option for a about a year due to work related stuff and also although dp's income is increasing this is not yet reliable enough for us to say that in a years time we could afford it.

I'm going to try harder to let dp know how much I appreciate him both to boost his ego but also to try to make him be more vocal about his appreciation of me too!