Feel as though I need DH more than he needs me. Anyone else? How do you deal with it?

[Secretlifeofme]

I have been married to my lovely DH for nearly two years and we are trying for a baby. We are very happy together, rarely argue and make each other laugh. We love being together. However...

My issue is that I am definitely the more insecure person out of the two of us. DH is older than me and has been happily married before, although this marriage ended in divorce. He is very comfortable in his own skin and very confident, not afraid to be assertive with others etc. I on the other hand have previously been in a very abusive relationship for ten years and am much less confident than he is. I find assertiveness difficult (for example if we need to make a complaint in a restaurant or something I will always leave it to him) and I worry about what people think of me a lot.

I love DH so much and I know he loves me very much too, but I definitely feel as though I need him more than he needs me. I feel that I need reassurance from him a lot, for example needing to hear him say 'I love you' even though he does it a lot anyway. I am going away for a week without him tomorrow and I feel really sad. I know he will miss me too but I will definitely miss him more IYSWIM.

Has anyone been in this situation, or is in it now? How do you deal with it? It's not a problem as such but I think the inequality makes me feel a bit uncomfortable perhaps? Any thoughts welcome. Thanks

Thank you. I do have anxiety, which ebbs and flows according to what's happening in my life. I think that's a good tip about trying not to say 'I love you' too much. I'm working on it!

I'll look into the Big 5 test, thank you @GardenGeek

Bumping for the lunchtime crowd - any advice please?

You don’t need him more than he needs you, you are just looking to him for all of your emotional support, and he isn’t so much. What you actually need is to find this strength within yourself rather than relying on someone else for it. Do you think some counselling might help? I tried it a few years back and it was great, I’d have a few sessions every year if I could, it’s good for the soul!

My husband always said he didn’t need to be with me he wanted to be with me and I think that’s a perfect way to look at things

You sounds very much like me ~20 years ago.

I came out of an outright abusive relationship (physical, sexual, emotional, verbal) and although I took 6 months to myself without any dating of any sort, I didn't resolve the issues that had been caused by that relationship, or address the issues in my upbringing that had made me want to stay in such an unhealthy relationship.

I then ended up for 7 years with a guy whose public face was of a professional guy in a good career, middle class, very polite in conversation, very intelligent - but behind closed doors was a completely useless functioning alcoholic and a passive aggressive nightmare.

But because he wasn't hitting or raping me, I thought it was the perfect relationship.

I was needy as fuck. When he went away for a week on business I felt like I was dying. In retrospect he must have been completely overwhelmed (although that doesn't excuse his shit-ness.)

I am now the least needy person on this planet (well, the least I've ever met!) It's taken me a long time to get to this point and has taken cutting out most of my birth family.

If your birth family is dysfunctional then checking out the "Stately Homes" thread on this Relationships board could really help you.

Thanks all, some interesting views here.

My birth family is not dysfunctional as such, but my mum has mental health issues which were unresolved when I was a child and which led to her being quite emotionally abusive, I guess. She then attempted suicide twice when I was in my teens. With medication she became herself again and I now have a great relationship with my parents, but perhaps the early years with mum led to me becoming needy.