I feel like I'm trapped
I'll treat this as a kind of rant/diary entry. Not expecting any responses but some advice would be a bonus.
I'm with a joyless man living a miserable existence and I don't know how the hell to get myself out of it or how I'd carry on even if I did.
I'm in a permanent state of confusion. Go to bed (alone) every night and have palpitations and tears going over what he's done and thinking how pathetic I am to put up with it. Then I wake up in the morning and tell myself I'm being silly and it's all in my head, I'm being dramatic.
He is obsessed with the idea that I'm a 'slag' because before I ever met him, I dated a friend of his. He will never, ever let go of this or forgive me for it.
Recently, I've become more enlightened about things like Feminism. He takes great pleasure in mocking this and calling me and every woman he sees on TV slags, then says 'oh I'm being such a MISOGYNIST again aren't I'. He comments regularly on women, for eg, 'who the fuck would want to go with that?'.
We've never had a good sex life. He seems indifferent, disgusted by the idea of it. I've tried seducing him and he physically recoiled and said 'please no, eww!' (without being big-headed, I know the problem isn't me, I like how I look and so do others apparently).
He resents family time and engineers arguments or problems to avoid days out, especially if it's something I've been looking forward to, like my birthday. If we do manage it, he huffs and puffs until I agree to go home. When I ask him why he doesn't want to spend time with us, his face darkens and he says 'because that's not how I want to spend my time off'. He mainly sleeps, smokes or goes to the pub. If I question his plans, he says I'm a controlling partner and that hobbies are healthy and I shouldn't question him.
He previously asked me to marry him then denied it the next day. Then a few months ago, he asked me again. Told me to choose the ring of my dreams and he made a spreadsheet with ideas and costings for every little detail to do with a wedding. He knows the one thing I crave in life is stability and a conventional life (had a shit childhood and made some bad choices as a result of it). He suggested doing an official proposal in front of the children on a holiday we had planned. I was so looking forward to it....it didn't materialise. I asked him about it when we returned home and he casually said that he'd changed his mind and that was that.
He doesn't contribute to parenting at all (youngest is his). At all. If I ever asked him to do a nappy or help with feeding, he would say, 'no. I don't want to'. The same response if I ask him to lift a finger around the house, 'no, I don't want to. I don't want to'.
A few days ago watching the sports news, a woman was upset over the football results. I light-heartedly said, 'that's a bit much over kicking a ball around isn't it?' He laid into me, 'if you had anything going for you, any passion or anything worth living for in your life maybe you would understand but you've got nothing, you are nothing!'. It went on and on.
He knows I'm trapped. Lately he's been saying things are going to be his way from now on, with a smirk on his face. I take it that means more nights out. He knows I'm powerless.
I tried to tell him I can't carry on like this anymore. Poured my heart out. He said I was selfish and chose the moment to tell me he's suicidal and has always felt that way but has no desire to ever be happy.
My head is fucked.