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Original poster

Treating people like they treat you?

17 replies

ChandlersSmile · 10/07/2018 22:20

I'm sick of being 'nice' as I feel that I get walked all over and am thinking that it might be better to treat some people as they treat me. The type of situations/people I'm referring to are

A friend who only speaks to me when she feels like it or wants something. If I see her somewhere such as in a shop and she doesn't want to talk she won't even smile and will just say 'Hi' and will carry on walking. I recently saw her at a wedding reception and went over to say hello and she was in a group with other friends and she just said 'Hello' very abruptly and turned away. Yet when I see her and she is in the mood to talk she will talk away at me. I was thinking that maybe I just need to say 'Hi' to her and carry on walking.

A friend who has moved away from my hometown but still visits regularly. I have been to see her in her new town, which is 2 hours' away a few times. She regularly comes back to my town but I only find out via FB when she's been and gone and posted about who she has met up with. Yet she then sends me messages saying I must go and visit her again soon! I was thinking of not making any effort with her anymore and saying that I can't travel to hers again and can only meet her locally.

Lastly a friend who is always 'very busy' with her main group of best friends and only sees me when it fits in with them. She has cancelled on me several times when we have had plans as a better offer has come from her group of best friends. If I suggest meeting up or doing anything she is always busy. Literally everything has to be on her terms and has to suit her and her busy-ness. I was thinking with her that I will just start saying that I am busy whenever she suggests anything, and possibly not bother at all with her anymore as she clearly values her other friends more than she values me. She still comes to me rather than her 'besties' when she wants a favour though!

Does anyone else treat people as they treat you? I just find that the 'treat people as you want to be treated' just doesn't seem to work as I just get walked on.

OP posts:

springydaff · 10/07/2018 23:06

Definitely give it a try, I should.

Ime it gives people a bit of a jolt. But hey, who cares, they're not worth your breath.

I keep people on a short erm lead while the friendship is becoming established. If they take the piss = ta-ta. It works well. Some people come back and treat me very well bcs they know I won't take any shit. Those who bugger off are no loss for me.

You have to train people sometimes lol.

justthisguy · 10/07/2018 23:09

Absolutely. The thing is, you don't have to bitchy about it. Be polite by all means. Just do as you've been done by, as it were.

justthisguy · 10/07/2018 23:11

PS: the converse is true too, of course: if someone is really lovely then feel obliged to be lovely back!

There's a great phrase I saw on a pub sign on Ireland: "We treat everyone as a friend until they prove otherwise!" :)

Moominfan · 10/07/2018 23:18

Yep learn to say no. Like a muscle the more you use it, the stronger it becomes

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/07/2018 23:21

I did this with a friend recently (she was always busy, always in control of when we met, on her terms). I mirrored her lack of contact/unavailability and months passed with no contact whatsoever. Then she texted and was confused and asked if something was wrong? I guess she was shocked I wasn’t running around after her!

I no longer consider her a friend.

dirtybadger · 10/07/2018 23:37

I think the best thing to do is to stop being friends with these people. No need to create a fuss, just phase them out. And rather than treating them equally (they might not even notice! Or youll just come across as passive aggressive maybe)- point out what they are doing. Personally I hate conflict and dont see the point in explaining someone was rude to me, I would rather just stop bothering with them...less hassle.

I would say Im exceptionally "nice". People treat me well because they dont have much of a choice. I have a few friends who are late, etc, but theyre like it with everyone and I am comfortable telling them theyre an arsehole for it sometimes. If I wasnt comfortable doing that, I would ditch them. IME these people barely notice, the friendship is superficial, you can be replaced by them (sounds harsh, but dont be hurt by that- thats their issue).

The other thing to be aware of...is that you may feel guilty if you are knowingly gaming around with these friends. Why bother? Its all too much effort. Leave them behind

Original poster

ChandlersSmile · 11/07/2018 09:44

Thank you everyone for the replies!

I think I'm going to start treating these friends as they treat me and then just take it from there, probably phasing them out. What pisses me off even more is that they treat other friends so nicely and respectfully and I'm just an afterthought!

Has anyone else noticed too that people who are miserable and offhand always have people fawning over them and running round after them trying to be their friend? There is a mum at my DCs school whom everyone describes as rude and up herself yet everyone is desperate for her approval. I really don't think it pays to be nice these days! Narcissism is clearly the way to go!

OP posts:

Original poster

ChandlersSmile · 11/07/2018 14:29

I will see 'friend who only talks when it suits her' on the school run shortly so I will just be saying 'Hi' to her like she does to me and won't be standing around to chat even if she wants to.

OP posts:

Twofishfingers · 11/07/2018 14:34

I've been in that situation, and that's what I did. I just treated the same way that they treat me and you know what, it took one of them TWO YEARS to realise what was going on. Once she got it, we were friends again but not like before. Now it's on my terms.

Be prepared to be a bit lonely at times. That's the only thing I would say. And speak your mind - if your friend says you should come and visit me, be prepared to say 'well next time you are in my town to visit So and so, call on my to see if I'm here instead'.

I am working on one friend in particular at the moment. She used to always call me, we'd meet up every week, she was a single mum, and needed lots of support which I happily gave her. Now she has moved on, she is married, has made new friends, and never calls me. I'm waiting for the moment that she asks me for a favour...

Joysmum · 11/07/2018 16:02

When I did counseling one of the things that came up was that I overcompensate for the lack of effort of others.

My counselor suggested I mirror others so that I operate to their normal and that way I can reassure myself that I’m not being out of order myself and could be confident in reducing how much I give of myself to those who don’t deserve it.

It’s been the best thing I’ve ever done. I have more time and energy for those who value me and make feel happy and good about myself.

I really recommend it. It is a process as you adjust to a new normal but it’s worth doing.

Lordamighty · 11/07/2018 16:37

Yes I do this. I mirror their own behaviour back at them. It works particularly well with things like texting. Some friends always reply quickly, others leave it for days to respond so I do the same back to them. Their time is not more important than mine.
Don’t prioritise people who treat you as an afterthought.

pissedonatrain · 11/07/2018 17:51

Good thread. I tend to overcompensate too and I'm going to try and mirror other's effort.

Vitalogy · 11/07/2018 17:57

OP, it's the other way around. You treat people as you'd wish to be treated. People that treat you badly, if at all possible stay as far away as you can from them.

Have a look into The Law of Attraction.

Best wishes.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 11/07/2018 21:00

I have noticed that there are those who are miserable who did seem to get a lot of fawning over. OK some did have real issues too and as an overly nice person I got sucked in.
I thought there where nice people just misunderstood and sometimes we did have fun but it could be so draining. However, I remember when I was having a bad time (think messy breakup and a life limiting injury to a parent) they weren't there for me. If anything one of them practically told me off for having the temerity to be depressed and coming out of my 'nice perky person' box!

So yes, that is a thing in that people assign roles to other people and there are some in the 'depressed moody' box that do get the attention.

AgentJohnson · 11/07/2018 21:13

Interesting that you refer to these women as friends.

ICESTAR · 14/07/2018 10:55

I don't think any of these women are your friends. None of them act like they like you very much which is just awful and soul destroying. I had some like these and I grew a backbone and got rid of them all. I felt bereft at first, like what had I done but honestly it's the best thing I ever did. Remember actions always speak louder than words. Find friends who do what they actually say. I have some great friends now. Good luck.

Bubba1234 · 15/07/2018 15:13

Yes starting today treat people the way they treat you.
My brothers gf. She talks about me behind my back treated me like shit for years now I literally act like she dsnt exist. I avoid things she will be at so I don’t have to deal with the looks or bitching. It’s heaven not to have to put up with it.
Friends. I use to be so needy. Ran around like a headless chicken for people. Never was returned.
Now I only meet people when it suits me. I literally could not care less about friendships 99 percent are fake. I have boundaries now and people know they can’t use me anymore.
For example I was supposed to meet a friend.apparently I’m her bestie she loves me etc. she never makes the effort and constantly lies and changed plans. Does it bother me hell no I just laugh. She was going to meet me at my place. Then no a few minutes before it was like no you come to me. I said no.

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