Toxic mum. Sudden realisation. Where next?

[Trumptytrump]

(Nc hopefully not too outing) long post...

I've recently being having a bad time with various things. Not least dd diagnosed with ASD.

I've come to the realisation that my parents. Specifically my mum but enabled by my dad are just not in any way empathetic or interested.

Over the years I've always felt very let down by them. I know a lot of friends with spectacularly bad parents and we are Non contact/low contact with Dps family and some siblings as they are beyond nasty/dysfunctional. As a result, my parents who do visit and do the odd thing for us have been painted in a positive light and my dp struggles to see them in a bad light. Although acknowledges they are volatile.

But now dd is having problems my dm doesn't want to know. She has her own health problems and her and my dad keep flipping it back to her problems and how they're worse. I sent her 25 page diagnoses and all she could say was relate a story about her own health problems. And say it's not as bad (she has a long term condition but is very fit and active).

And when I've asked for their help for some respite has said 'well we didn't get any. They drove 2 hours from theirs on Sunday to see us and started a row so they could leave in a huff accusing me of starting it and being selfish. They've done tgis countless times. There's a narrative in my family that I cause rows. I now purposefully don't respond but even that causes a row.

I am at breaking point and they know I'm having a bad time. No sorrys ever.

I've been doing some reading and come to the very late realisation in my mid 40s that this is a pattern. At all the really bad times in my life they've abandoned me. They are 'inadequate' toxic parents. My mum may be a narcissist too. She's really negative and self serving. I've developed really bad patterns of feeling unloved and projecting my anger on to dp and friends and I fear dc. My dp is struggling to agree, and my db who lives overseas will not discuss it.

Now I know this I need strategies.

Going NC is not an option. I tried pulling them up on it, but that played into their hands and caused them to call me all things under the sun.

The dc love them.

How the hell do I move on from this. They are in their 70s. Thankfully at moment in good health.

Wise mumsnetters how can I manage this so they don't hurt me anymore... they're very good at pressing my buttons, punishing me with silence etc, playing the we've been wronged card. They don't see much of our family never have and as a child I was cut off and alienated from others. They are largely friendless too.

Help!

I’ve seen many posts on here about toxic parents and several responses have mentioned Grey Rock technique.
I googled the term and found out that I’ve been doing it for years with my very toxic mother.
Have a look and see if that might help you.
I’m nc with my mother now but my DS is still in contact, we don’t talk about her much but he is an adult and is very aware of how manipulative she is.
I wish you well for the future and remember it’s not your fault.

I just wanted to add that you can’t change their behaviour, you can only change your reaction.
Expecting them to change is like wishing apples were oranges.
It’s not going to happen and try not to waste head space thinking that they will change.
People like that never do, they are never wrong, someone else is always to blame.

Thanks Preston
I think I only just realised last week that they'll never change. Right up till then I thought it was my fault and I could make them happy- and convince them to support me. I know this vut it hurts and I need it to sink in so I become more robust. I've been doing this act for at least 3o years. I can see they're already reacting to a difference in me.
I'll check out grey rock. Not heard of it.
I'm just wondering where I'll get the resilience from as already at rock bottom with dd.

Easy. Lower your expectations. Expect nothing from them and you won’t feel disappointed. Make your friends your family instead. Live a full life and find your own solutions to childcare issues. Expect nothing

Accept them for who they are. They don’t want to support you and that’s their choice. They will reap what they sow long term. When they are old and frail you will feel less indebted to care for them. There will be less mutual support. Less of a bond. And that’s ok.

Check out the stately homes thread. That will help get the journey started.

Thanks. I have lurked on that thread. That's how I discovered toxic parents. I think because I do know quite a few people with terrible mothers I just thought mine was just a bit depressed/negative but now I realise she's also narcissist....and I can see how she's turned me against people and made me feel bad about my successes too.
I know she loves me. But ...it's like I have to review everything she's ever said to me in a new light. For example, I am close to my elderly grandmother, and she's constantly trying to poison my mind against her and controlling when I see her. That will be stopping for one. I've been quite good at ignoring that to a point. But a few weeks ago my dm 'confided' that she'd made her childhood 'miserable and she 'hated' her. I've no evidence of this. I wonder why else she would do this now (my dgm is nearly 100!)

Definitely grey rock. It really really works.

There are websites dedicated to adult daughters of narcissistic mothers. They are worth a look.

I find it helps me to detach to always think "why are you saying that?" And "Why did you do that?" in reference to her fucked up thinking. Unlearning trying to fix her emotions was a big thing. So I will think "Hmm, you are making snide comments after you've heard I've done well at something. You are a loon."

Also, unlearning being afraid of rants, tempers, huffs and slurs. She kicks off and it is like a toddler saying mean words when they can't have chocolate for dinner. Water off a ducks back.

Mine is ultimately deeply deeply selfish and needs to be the centre of attention. A lot like a toddler. In oh so many ways. Same rules as for a toddler work pretty well.

Thanks everyone
I think I'm going to need therapy!

Been really questioning if I've picked any of this up. I don't want to be like this with my dc.

And why all these 65-80 year old mothers with these tendancies. I have 3 friends with similar. Is it because they were unable to be fulfilled themselves because of when they were born?!?

It isn't a generation thing. Every generation has bad people and bad parents. People often don't realise until they are in their 30s or 40s and the parents are in the 60-85 range.

Rabbits has made a good point re toddler behaviour and your reaction.
I had CBT for a while and it was suggested to me that I picture my mother as a small annoying dog-made me laugh.
Try (if you can) not to look back because you will drive yourself nuts trying to rationalise her behaviour.

I have a toxic mother too and wound up going nc with her 2 weeks before ds was born 14 months ago due to her specifically ignoring a boundary I warned her not to cross a second time. We had an argument prior to her ignoring the boundary and her reasoning was because she was angry that I wasn't speaking to her but still speaking to my grandparents. This is the same woman who when I met my DP told me "a man like him can never love you, he should be with someone like me" (my dp is 14 years my senior so closer to her age than mine as mum had me young). Going no contact had made me the healthiest I have ever been mentally but it was such a horrific thing to go through at such a vulnerable time.

I think the only advice i can give which others have stated is that you can't change them and if they truly are narcissistic confrontation will only lead to gaslighting. It's so much more difficult to ignore gaslighting when you know it is happening which is why I had an argument with my dm in the first place. The hardest part of being the child of a narcissistic parent is indeed that you become a people please as we are conditioned to service their needs. I think trying to detach yourself from the need to have their favour is a good first step (and also the hardest). Instead you can only accept them as they are or decide your life and children's life is healthier without their presence.

Sending you love an empathy. Please remember that it's not you, it's not all in your head and you have aren't destined to make their mistakes xxxxx

I knew early on how bad she was, but it wasn’t until my DS was growing up that I realised just how bad she was. I could never have treated my child the way she treated me.
She’s 85, I’m 60 and my DS is 40.
I realised in my mid 20s and it took me a good few years before I could stop wanting her approval.
I knew I’d never get it.
And now I’m really not at all bothered about her

Why is NC not an option? Could you just give yourself a breather for a while or reduce contact at least?

I think counselling/therapy is pretty essential if you feel that your upbringing and relationship with your parents (past and present) are negatively affecting your feelings and behaviour (which it sounds as if it is).

It’s a bit concerning that your DP is disagreeing with you about all this, especially as his family is problematic - i would have thought he’d be more understanding because of it. Does he think your family “isn’t as bad”?

Another vote for NC here. I think it's a mental conditioning outcome that you can't/darent stand up to them in this way.

It took me years. Decades even until I was in my 30s before I just decided enough was enough and went fully NC. The best thing I've ever done was releasing myself from the burden of trying to please someone who can never be pleased.

She recently tried to make contact, suddenly now I have DC I have something she wants. I humoured her just to show DH she can't change and I was proven right when she started to abuse me again. He was so horrified at how someone could treat their child and then tell them it was their fault that he now fully supports NC with her too. People don't change. Bullies need standing up to and that's exactly what they are.

Big hugs.

Thank you all. Good advice.

I feel like I'm in a good and bad place. Good that I finally realise and bad that I know now she won't change..more sad. I mean I always knew this but I hadn't really processed this.

We don't see them more than every two months, but I do get random texts and emails. They love the dc- but in a selfish way I must say. Dc haven't noticed that yet. We have no other family in UK. I am relied on for Christmas birthdays etc. This is not reciprocated. They've never taken me out. I plan a birthday surprise for them every year..big things for big dates etc l. I'm a people pleasing mug aren't I!!

Dps family are overseas. He has little to do with them. His dad is awful man. Mum dead. That's why he has latched onto my parents being better than nothing.

Before dc they didn't see me much at all during my young years. There were years where I kept contact to.minimum. this was unconscious.

My dm is more of a drama llama than what you'd say a classic narcissist. 'no one has as bad a life as her, shes put upon and no one understands me' type narcisist. I also.think dm and dad act jealous of our success. And things that go wrong they love dissecting. I thought it was 'helping us but now I realise they enjoy it! They've had a good life and one or two bad things happen as do we all.... it's hard to accept they were born like this!

Thanks again.

Sorry to hear of your experiences too.

Jealous of success. Tick. Enjoy when things go wrong for you. Tick. Oh Hun. Sorry but it's so similar. Stay strong and believe in yourself. You deserve better than this.

As others have said - google the Grey Rock technique.

But also get this BOOK HERE and leave it laying around when they visit next!

I see there's a whole Amazon section on toxic parents and narcissist mothers! 🤣

I'm still ploughing my way through the ASD self help books for my dd!

But I need this!

Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.

If you have some knowledge of how to help DD, pause on that for a bit while you sort yourself out.