Why do we stay in relationships that are bad for us?

[joliejoleen]

I have been asking myself this question for a while now. Is it low self-esteem? Insecurities? Just why do we stay with people who treat us like shit? (Some of us, that is!)
It has taken me TWO years to finally let go of my stbxh... after he nearly sabotaged my uni course, punched me, called me names, walked out on me many times, left me alone on NYE and went clubbing with a mate, and then finally moved out 6 weeks after the death of my mother, leaving me in shitloads of debt. After ALL THIS, I still let him back in. But nothing has changed, he's feeling zero remorse and last night he hit me again! And now, ONLY NOW, am I truly done with him. But why have I put up with so much shit and abuse for so long??? I honestly hope someone comes along and gives me some kind of diagnosis. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

For most people change is sometimes more scary than staying in a shitty but known situation. My opinion, anyway. At least where you know what the future holds- albeit misery!

Refusal to admit I made a mistake, coupled with low self esteem. I'm a stubborn cow at all the wrong times.

Sunken costs fallacy (If we break up, I've wasted x years on him) and "better the devil you know". In my experience.

I live in a fucking awful situation. DP is emotionally and sometimes physically abusive (pushing and shoving mostly). My SD hates me and I suffer from anxiety. Every part of me tells me to leave but I can’t bear being on my own.
No idea why we do it? Insecurities.

Insecurities.
Shame.
For some people, they're colluding in the maintenance of their partner's/family's reputation - they can't bring themselves to admit to others what has been happening.
We're told that love is enough and can be transformative. That if only you believe in me and trust me then I can change.
So many people have been brought up with dysfunctional family structures that they've been taught to tolerate the intolerable to the point where it's very hard to even acknowledge to yourself that something should not be tolerated.

Some permutation of the above and other factors...

I am trapped in an unhappy relationship because without my partner around I would not be able to care for my DC, one of whom is disabled. He is an utterly shit partner but does look after the children when DS needs 1:1 support. It's rubbish.

For me staying with an abusive partner was thinking that it was my fault/I was to blame, hoping constantly that he would change, being treated really nicely sometimes normally right after some form of abuse, being told no one would ever love me as much as he did, being so ground down that I thought i couldn’t survive without him, not knowing physically how to get out of the relationship in a safe way and worrying about being alone the rest of my life.
I’m very happy to say though that none of those things were correct and as soon as I started telling people close to me I got that help to get out and time and therapy have helped me emotionally recover.

Thinking I’m not good enough to do better. My child. Co-dependent and lazy/comfortable in our lifestyle. Scared of change. Scared of being alone. Scared because we have a child so I’ll never be truly rid of him. But he’s leaving now so it’s time to deal with it. We were at a family wedding last weekend and he acted like my daughter and I didn’t exist. I will NEVER allow him to humiliate us again. Every man at that wedding interacted with our daughter - danced with her, talked to her - while he spent all night by the bar with his buddy he sees every day at work.

For me, the deep shame of having made such a terrible mistake in my choice of partner and the impact us splitting would have on others.
I married this man in front of my DC and it just feels too big to undo.
He isn't abusive, the relationship is just so so wrong for me.
If there were no DC involved I would have left years ago. My younger self would despair at what I've become

Scared of the unknown. Scared it might be a mistake. Scared I couldn't cope with the DC on my own.
Turned out I had nothing to be scared of.

Some of these comments have made me so sad... we only get one life 😔