I found some photographs at the weekend. My mum died when I was a teenager and it’s fair to say we didn’t have a good relationship. She drank a lot and when she drank she was really nasty. She repeatedly called me some horrible names, most of which wasn’t true, blamed me for things that had happened years ago and in general had me believing that I was ugly, stupid, inferior to everybody. My brother had the same treatment.
I found it difficult to mourn her loss; I felt sorry she died because I wouldn’t want anyone to die while still fairly young but I didn’t feel any sense of personal loss. I really have missed having a ‘mum’ though.
The photographs I found though showed a woman I’d forgotten. She was sometimes mean and lashed out when I was little but she was nicer then, I think. She was beautiful. I know a lot of women think their mums are beautiful but objectively she was stunning. Beautiful dark brown wavy hair and slim and gorgeous. And she had such a warm smile.
I realised I did love her. I don’t think I do now but I must have once.
No idea what I’m expecting and I don’t think anyone will reply ... I just feel weird.