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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Hurting bad

18 replies

NoMoreFear · 10/07/2018 14:14

Today is day 1 of knowing I’m alone.

I’ve been in limbo with my husband for close to 6 months now, time which he took to explore whether or not he still loves me. It was excruciating, waiting for him to make up his mind if I’m worth any time or effort after 10 years together. It destroyed my self confidence. And now he’s decided I’m not. There’s no real reason you can put your finger on. We both have good and bad parts and our life was normal with some wonderful highlights and no real lows. We’re good with money. No OW (I wish). And this is why I’m slowly dying inside. It’s like lukewarm water. Just being left behind with a young daughter (who is healthy and easy to raise) because he’s not feeling it. How can I get over this? How can I get angry?

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 10/07/2018 14:16

I'm so sorry to hear this. It will take time but it will get better and now you have the opportunity to meet someone who loves you and wants to be with you. All the best op.

itisi · 10/07/2018 14:17

Just wanted to let you know I'm here. This is so very awful for you. I'm sure someone will be along soon with something more constructive to say, but for now I'm sending a virtual hug.

Original poster

NoMoreFear · 10/07/2018 14:20

Thank you. Thank you for just saying something. For being here.

OP posts:

letsdolunch321 · 10/07/2018 14:29

The anger will come and when it does let him have double barrells of it.

He sounds a charmer!! leaving you in limbo for 6mths. Now is the time to think of you & your dd.

Is he still living in the property? Is the property rented or morgaged?

noego · 10/07/2018 14:33

Don't blame yourself. That is key. His issues are his alone. You be the sane one and look after that LO.

blearyeyedbear · 10/07/2018 14:43

You can and will get over this, because there will come a point where you will see him for what he is. A pathetic, self centred, loser. Why let someone as unimpressive as him destroy your self esteem? Don't. You're worth so much more.

Walk away with your head held high, and believe in yourself, for from now on you live your life how you want to without ever having to consider him. There is freedom in that

OrdinaryGirl · 10/07/2018 15:06

Just extending a paw of support NoMoreFear 🐾
So sorry you are in this situation, it must be a terrible time. Please be kind to yourself -do you have someone IRL you can talk to as well as us?

sadiesnakes · 10/07/2018 15:12

Be very careful OP, I know you think there isn't but there usually always is an OW, in some form or other. Men very rarely walk away from even bad relationships without there being someone else in the picture. Just be alert.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/07/2018 15:13

You are in shock. Take care of yourself as though you'd been in an accident, plenty of sleep, try to eat, etc.

Sometimes these things happen. Nobody's fault, just one partner falls out of love, and it's awful for the one left behind because they haven't had the months of soul-searching and mental preparation to leave. They just wake up one morning and it's over. The other partner has had one foot out of the door for ages.

Original poster

NoMoreFear · 10/07/2018 15:32

He’s leaving on my birthday, mid August. In the meantime I’m taking DD on holiday and trying to get strong for her. I can’t let this spiral. I need her to see I’m okay so she will also think this isn’t that bad. I’m just terrified I’m not strong enough. I hate how I’ve let my relationship with him define me and I let him define what I’m worth. I should’ve walked away the first time he even hinted at having doubts about us and me. He knew all along. Not sure what he was waiting for. In the end I had to ask him to leave.

Thank you for your words. I’m re-reading them and it feels good. My mom is a great support too IRL.

OP posts:

OctoberCarrot · 10/07/2018 15:42

Why mid August? On your birthday. Don't let him control the timing. If he is ending it let him off now. Let him have taken his stuff whilst you are on holidays.

I am going something very similar and it is heartbreaking. I don't know where to turn at the moment but I am strong so I know I will survive.

letsdolunch321 · 10/07/2018 18:58

Leaving in August - on your birthday .... what an absolute pisstaker !!!

Ryder63 · 10/07/2018 19:03

I echo stop letting him control the timing. Tell him to leave NOW. what a selfish prick

anotherfail · 10/07/2018 20:22

Totally agree. You choose when he leaves and to minimise the pain to you, I'd suggest sooner rather than later. What sort of arsehole would actually plan to do it on your birthday?! So so cruel. Tell him to sod off now.

Original poster

NoMoreFear · 10/07/2018 20:52

I did, but he refuses. I can’t believe I let him get away with 6 months of playing me. He is like an ice cube. Cold, detached, “it’s all about me”. He is cruel beyond understanding with both myself and my daughter. He literally said “she’ll be fine and she will be a great support for you”. SHE IS 7! Dick.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoMoreFear · 11/07/2018 15:16

Survival mode continues. Yesterday we told our daughter we will be going on holiday separately. She was sad and asked if we can all 3 on holiday at Xmas because daddy surely has time then. Broke my heart, he seemed like whatever and told her “we’ll see”. Today I really felt like it’s over. Looking for apartments to move into (ours is a rental and too expensive on my own). The anger is definitely setting in - for what he’s putting our family through without having tried anything to protect us. I will hate him more for every second of pain my daughter goes through. But I need to accept our new status and move on. I think I’m starting to.

OP posts:

FluffyPersian · 11/07/2018 15:23

But I need to accept our new status and move on. I think I’m starting to.

I think you have been far too accepting.

He tells you he wants a nice 6 month holiday to 'explore whether he loves you or not'..... If you had said that to him, do you think he would have said 'OK then, no worries... I'll be here when you get back'? I imagine he might have said 'If you leave, don't come back'?

You don't have to accept his crappy treatment, you don't have to accept anything. He's said you're daughter will be a 'great support' to you because that's potentially how he sees it: You need the support as you're weak (I'm not saying you are)......

Don't tell him anything / Don't pander to him - Go completely and utterly cold and get him out of your life as much as possible, as quick as possible.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation but you WILL get through it and hopefully, your daughter will see how strong and resourceful her Mother is

Original poster

NoMoreFear · 11/07/2018 15:53

Fluffy these are my top concerns - focusing at work and being the best, strongest mom possible. Most of the time I’m pissed with him and I know what he’s done and how he has behaved is inexcusable, but then I think the good man I loved is still in there somewhere and it softens me up and not understanding how he could do this crushes me. It’s exhausting.

So far I kept rejecting his “trying to soften my guilt” offers, like taking the expensive TV etc, but I changed my mind. I will take everything from the house that will make my and my daughter’s life easier.

OP posts:

Flip