Where to start? Longtime reader but only just created an account of my own.
I very much love my husband but I just don’t think I can carry this weight anymore. He’s lived a “colourful” life so to speak. Drugs, drink and many many women. He was approaching 40 when I met him by chance and I had been a single mum for 5 happy years. We fell in love and his past never phased me. Turns out in addition to the 3 kids by 2 women I knew about, there was AT LEAST another 2 by another 2 women that he has no involvement with. (No judgment, my 2 girls I was singe with are by 2 men) but I was in love and thought I could work on it.
We’ve been together 4 years now with a little boy of our own and I’ve just found out I’m expecting again. Cue his drama! During my last pregnancy he went awol on drink and drugs, failed to turn up to scans etc so I cancelled our wedding. Refusing to marry someone who behaves like this. We eventually married quietly when I was 36 weeks pregnant as I believed that he’d realised what he was losing. My son was born via a traumatic emcs. 2 weeks later it was New Year’s Eve. He walked out on me and my son even though I couldn’t move or take care of him on my own properly. As far as I know he spent the night on coke, rolling in at 9am with no interest in our newborn son or how I was physically coping. I had enough and kicked him out. He went to AA of his own accord. After watching him progress I agreed to try one more time.
Last week we very unexpectedly found out I was pregnant again. Yet again he’s turned into an idiot. Just being cocky and demanding and I’m exhausted by him. To day he’s phoned me up while he was working and I pulled him up about his behaviour yesterday in front of the kids. He’s as usual unrepentant and I said I wasn’t going through another pregnancy with his shit again. He claims he did nothing wrong and behaves like this because “you kissed that guy” he means that when we’d been together a few months we went on holiday. He claims he saw me kiss some guy. I genuinely don’t think it happened but he insists it did. (We were both very drunk) when I said “whatever, you’ve done far worse” he counters with “you shagged Alison as well that night!” His female friend!! I most certainly did not and he’s never accused me of this before. I genuinely am thrown by this and just feel defeated. I’ve supported him through so much. In addition to above I have facilitated contact between his 3 “legitimate” kids that he didn’t have. I raised our son and my children pretty much single handed and forgiven his bullshit time and time again. I just feel broken that 6 days after finding out we’re having another child, he’s straight back to pathetic behaviour. He made my pregnancy hell last time and I just cannot do it again. I’m being accused of something I absolutely didn’t do and for what?! To continue to support someone who treats me this way??
Sorry for the essay but any advice welcome. I’m at a total loss.