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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

At the end of the road.

21 replies

OctoberCarrot · 10/07/2018 10:24

I am bereft. Lost. My marriage is stumbling to the end and I am not even married 8 years. In hindsight it was rarely a good marriage. Two very strong characters rarely make good bedfellows. I was so happy to meet someone later in life that I didn’t look at the flaws, swept up in emotion and delight that I had found someone. We stumbled along with some highs and unfortunately many lows. Recently my husband has been made redundant and has decided to take time off, do things that I can’t comprehend – nothing illegal or immoral but just not suitable for someone who doesn’t have a job and is not doing anything about looking for a job. He took out a significant loan in my name to buy an executive car and won’t listen to my reasoning about not spending so much in light of lack of job. He is supposed to be minding the children during school holidays but hasn’t provided one healthy or nutritious meal in the time. He’s told me that he is done with me controlling and that he is just doing his own thing – this includes learning new things and training for quite a big race.
Last Friday he said he was leaving me when I am at work and have 2 children to mind. Told me to sort it out. I have no money – overdraft at the limit – I can’t afford to pay for someone to mind the children. He has significant funds from redundancy but is not prepared to pay.
He said he would give counselling a try. I really really want to give my marriage one last shot. I want to look my children in the eye and say I did everything I could to keep the family together. We got a counselling appointment – last minute but we could have made it work but he said it was all too much.
Not sure what I am expecting – miracles? There are probably no miracles I know.
If anyone has any tips on what I should do? Plan? I would appreciate it. I don’t really want to be out in the open just yet but my brain is just bursting and I am not sure how to cope.

OP posts:
Macey69 · 10/07/2018 11:16

Sounds like he got a big payout of money and decided to live it up at your expense! Got a car loan in 'your' name despite having the funds to buy it himself? Selfish mid life crisis going on! That money belongs to both of you and your family! Kick him out don't take him back. Get the car back and try to sell it for as much as you can get to pay off the finance on it if you can! Its in your name! Move on you deserve better than this!

OctoberCarrot · 10/07/2018 22:09

So it came to a head tonight and he’s walked out leaving the children with me and no childcare for me going to work tomorrow. I told him he couldn’t take out a car loan in my name when our marriage was on the brink of collapse.

I feel sick. We’ve come to the end of the road and I’m so sad. Everything I dreamed of crushed.

OP posts:
springydaff · 10/07/2018 23:36

I'm so sorry op Flowers

As painful as this is now, the time will come when you welcome this with open arms and see it for the blessing it is.

He's not a nice man, bottom line. No I don't think you should fight for the relationship -as MN is wont to say: he's showing you who he is so listen. He won't change (he'll get worse imo).

Really, let this one go. Flowers

OctoberCarrot · 11/07/2018 07:13

Is the guilt typical? I know it’s not solely my husbands fault and that at times he’s tried his hardest and I’ve been a bitch.

Saying that he walked out last night to stay with his parents left the children to me and even though he’s not working I’ve to get the children to summer camp and collect even though I have a job to go to and plans he was aware of for this evening. Not really the actions of a man trying to salvage his marriage.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 11/07/2018 07:19

How's he managed to take a loan out in your name? Surely you've signed for it? It's no way to live. Take the day off sick and arrange your finances and a child minder. If he's left start seeing what you may be able to claim for.

RandomMess · 11/07/2018 07:41

Can you drop the DC off at his parents?

If he fraudulently obtained that loan I'd be telling him to repay it or go to the police tbh.

OctoberCarrot · 11/07/2018 08:33

I did sign for it. I was only half on board With the idea of buying a car. He manages the money and in fairness does a good job. In light of the marital rift I backtracked on him having a car loan in my name. He’s returning the funds.

I’m lucky the camp that the boys go to can take them all day so I’m teary eyed going to work. I feel sick.

OP posts:
TheGoldenWolfFleece · 11/07/2018 08:35

Why the bloody hell did you sign off on the loan?

OctoberCarrot · 11/07/2018 08:47

He convinced me. I sort of understand his arguement for it but after the last month I couldn’t put a loan in my name for a car. I may need it for other things in the future.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 11/07/2018 10:18

Take the car back if you're paying for it

OctoberCarrot · 11/07/2018 10:39

He hasn’t bought the car yet. I’ve asked for the loan back. It’s non sensical what he is going.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 11/07/2018 11:08

Contact the loan company yourself and cancel it. You can't trust him. He's got significant funds from a redundancy but he won't pay for a car or his DC's out of it, what makes you think he'll pay the loans

OctoberCarrot · 11/07/2018 11:12

He’s returning the full amount of the loan to me. He will do that. He’s a lot of things and am very stressed about it all but he definitely wouldn’t keep money that’s not his.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 11/07/2018 11:18

Are the children his or from a previous relationship?

blackteasplease · 11/07/2018 11:29

Well thank goodness you are married as (depending on all circumstances and needs, greater or lesser extent) the courts will see all assets and liabilites as shared.

That will include his precious redundancy money. And he needn't think putting loans on your name doesn't mean he will.have to pay them - money to pay it can go to you in the divorce.

See a lawyer asap. Do whatever you can to pay for childcare as what you don't need is to lose your job.

LuvMyBubbles · 11/07/2018 11:34

Poor thing OP. He is being a shit. Can you get any flexibility with work? Reduced hours maybe to help you through this?
Any family around to help?
What’s the situation with the house? Can you afford it in your own?

OctoberCarrot · 11/07/2018 11:41

Their his children. I will probably be able to afford house on my own. If not I’m very lucky that I have family money which will hrlp me. So I don’t think financially I’ll be totally screwed but obviously total lifestyle change.

I’m in Ireland so I’ve contacted a lawyer who can hopefully provide some assistance.

Tbh I’m not worried about the money. He won’t screw us over and if he does I’ll be fine. I’m more forlorn and bereft at the end of the marriage and all the hopes and dreams. I know I will be ok but at the moment I feel so raw.

OP posts:
OctoberCarrot · 11/07/2018 14:19

OMG I feel sick. I was such a fool. He has withheld 7000 from the loan for money I owed him. He paid off a credit card bill years ago for me - the credit card I used to pay for food for our children and household stuff. He actually did that - he made a conscious decision to hold back the money. My head is about to explode.

OP posts:
notagain2018 · 11/07/2018 14:27

God OP, he cannot be trusted one bit. See that lawyer ASAP. Whose name is the car in?
My ex did that. He gave me £600 towards paying off a credit card when we bought a house so we could get the mortgage. He has been underpaying me maintenance since last year to claw that money back. Despite the fact I paid for every single holiday we ever went on (totally thousands of pounds) and i didn't get a penny from him for those.

OctoberCarrot · 12/07/2018 13:36

He put the rest of the money back in my account. He came home yesterday to get some stuff. He hasn't seen the kids in 2 days. They are now wondering where he is. I've told him that he can't just saunter back in when he feels like.
Though you know what I feel a hell of a lot calmer. Like a peace has come over me. The constant fight, nit picking, barking between the 2 of us has ground me down. yes it is hard dealing with the kids on my own but you know what it is a lot better than having to fight over every little thing.

OP posts:
PaleRider1 · 12/07/2018 13:58

So he's had a big redundancy payout but got you to take out a loan in order for him to buy a car?

Why didn't he use that redundancy money?
Sorry OP but I think he's pulled a fast one on you, and a very fast one at that. Especially as he has held back paying the entire loan back.

Legal advise pronto
May I also suggest (if you haven't already) that you speak to your employers and put them in the picture of what is happening at home. They will be far more understanding if you are late / miss work / need time off for solicitors / children etc. if you are upfront. The last thing you need now is loosing your job.

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