Contact with ex and boundary setting.

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi everyone. I posted on here last week, but I wasn’t honest enough. I haven’t told anyone in RL what’s happened and I won’t, I don’t want to burden anyone and I’m ashamed.

My ex and I together a year and a half. A lot of issues, some of which I posted about on here, mainly being his desire for me to sleep with other men. Because of this, I made up ALOT of stories to appease this side of him. I never slept with anyone in RL, the stories I told were made up.

Anyway,separated officially for about five months, however still in contact. I realise I am codependent, I also realise I carry a lot of shame. I still care for him and although I absolutely know it was right to end the relationship, I was still very much upset. I’ve done the block/unblock thing, I’ve told him to stay away, I don’t initiate talk. I see my friends and family a lot more, but I can’t seem to fully let go, which feeds into my shame, which compounds the whole thing. Sometimes I’m okay, sometimes I can’t stop crying.

I have since slept with two guys. I know doing this wasn’t a healthy thing to do. Ex knows about the first, he even got in touch with him and made it seem as though my ex And I had arranged it together, which we had not, so this caused a huge drama. I felt HORRENDOUS about it all.
The second guy, he doesn’t know about, but keeps pressing me for information because ‘I know you and I know what you’re like’.
I feel as though I need to tell him, I’m
Lying to him and I feel bad about that. And sadly, because I think if I don’t offer these pieces of information he’ll leave my life completely. I got very ill around Christmas time, and my ex was there for me. I can’t even remember much from that time, but I think it made my codependency worse. I should say I’ve never suffered codependency before now.

My boundaries are completely skewed, but I know I don’t feel right. I feel bad for lying and worried that he will stop contacting me altogether. But I also know that it is nothing to do with my ex. Any man I decide to meet with hasn’t given permission to play in any sort of game, and I don’t want to cross that boundary. It is between me and them. I don’t want this drama. I want it to be clean, and really there’s no reason why it can’t be. I really dislike myself when it comes to all this.
I need a bit of advice in getting my boundaries in order. I am so use to telling him ‘stuff’ it’s almost a default. I would have liked to remain friends, but I don’t know how to do this. I sway between anger and sadness and indifference.

Actually, reading that back, I just need to get a fucking grip and move on!!! Jesus Christ !

I remember your thread and tbh he sounds very sexually abusive. You understand this right?

Confused ... I do, but then I don’t. It’s done in a way that I’m made to feel special. This morning for example...’just telll me what’s happened, I’ll still love you and I promise nothing will change’. I do know this, but I can’t explain, it’s almost hazy in my mind. This is why I can’t talk about any of this to my friends, I understand why they’d be very angry at me.

He's taking sexual pleasure from this, and it's clearly making you very ill. That is abuse, this making up of stories is abuse. But being so kind is how he he has trained you. Effectively you are brainwashed.

He said that he only got a buzz from it because he loves me...but we haven’t been together for a while, so I don’t know how true this is anymore, even though he said it this morning.
Erm, I’m not really sure what to say, I just want someone to sit me down and tell me exactly what’s happened and what is happening. I’ve made up these stories for him, but he now says to me “I don’t know what to believe you’ve told me so much stuff” which leaves me feeling ashamed and embarrassed because I thought that was what he wanted.
I just can’t make sense of myself.

He doesn't want you to make sense of yourself!!
It sounds like you need to block him out of your life once and for all. As long as you talk to him, he will twist things and you won't know which end is up. You need time to rebuild without him, and some really great counselling. I have no experience of it, but the Freedom Programme gets recommended on here a lot. Please look into it.

and hugs for you!

Thanks Spunkymom .... I know I need to block him, I’m being pathetic. I’m heartbroken. I can’t beleive that anyone would treat anyone that way. I suppose that’s part of what’s causing the disparity, I can’t accept anything insidious, I want to believe that we had something special. He told me although he’d always had this fantasy, he’d never told anyone about it before me and never acted on it. But that makes it worse, why me?

I identify with this as my ex partner also got sexual pleasure from me being with other men. I was happy to explore it and we had an open relationship that was good for both of us. The difference was that I agreed, he never put pressure on me, he consistently told me it was fine to say no and that it was my choice. I totally held my boundaries and even found them to be strengthened by the relationship. few people understand how this can make your relationship stronger - but in our case it truly did.

We are now ex partners and sometimes I still tell him a few details of my current partners - he is respectful of the fact it is my life and he has no right to ask for these details. but we are still close and I know he likes to hear so I CHOOSE to tell him little bits. Sometimes.

Your relationship is nothing like this. he should not be pressuring you for these details, you should not have made up stories and you should put your boundaries in place immediately.

Your best approach to this is to tell him you made up the previous stories to keep him happy. That it was you fulfilling his fantasies because you loved him - but that you can't do that any more.

There is no shame here for you at all. He chose you because he knew you would carry out his requests, but he wasn't mature enough to realise that his fantasies of a highly sexual girlfriend needed to be carried out with someone who was emotionally able to handle that. he wanted an easily manipulated woman. He doesn't understand his own fetish.

I understand the lure of this too. Keeping someone happy is addictive. but keeping yourself happy is much more important.

You can PM me if you like. I know that there are not many women who have experienced this first hand.

@rememberatime that resonates very strongly basically as that has just happened to me, and my ex was coercive and eventually emotionally abusive. The damage done has been severe in terms of my self esteem. He basically prioritised his sexual pleasure above my wellbeing and destroyed us.

@Wadingthroughshit it took months to understand what had happened but I fully understand that fog of guilt and shame. At the moment I still feel like I'm on a rollercoaster but at least my body feels like my own again. This man won't be happy until you are taken apart.

Thank you so much @rememberatime and @confusedbythem* for your insightful posts. I obviously don’t want anyone to be hurt, but it’s comforting to know people understand.
I think I am quite a highly sexual person, but on my terms, not at the request of someone else. But, although I raised how I unhappy I felt about it 7/8 times, I did for the rest of the time go along with it, so I have to shoulder half the blame. Making up stories and going along with makes me complicit.i absolutely accept my part in all this.
There was one time I arranged to sleep with a guy id slept with before ex and I had met. I went to his house, felt incredibly upset, cried, then went to get a smoothie instead!
So yes, I’m not emotionally cut out for it at all.
Is there much point in my trying to understand what has happened? Trying to define and pinpoint it?
And, obviously I candidn’t tell anyone in RL, I’ve told him about the second guy today. He wasn’t upset at all, loved it, and has asked me to be his plus one to a wedding !

What happened at then end of your relationships? How did the end come about ?

The end came about because he treated me horribly over a liaison he made me have, but continued looking to do it himself anyway.

@confusedbythem ... so you met someone, but he treated you horribly? Did you do it ‘wrong’ ? I’m so sorry that’s happened, how long were you together?

He handpicked an ex from my teen years and pushed me to meet him, demanding to see screenshots and pictures, pushing me to sleepover and have sex. He then began to stonewall me and treat manipulate me, so I told him I wasn't having any part of it. He continued his treatment and also continued searching for an outside partner for himself. I eventually had a breakdown. We have split and I am very damaged by it all, my mental health is in pieces really

Our rekationship ended because of other issues. Distance mainly and a lack if a real future. The sex thing was actually a good part that we both still miss. I think the communication we had endured we were both ok emotionally. We loved each other deeply and were careful with each other. It's not for everyone. You need to be strong.